Entries Tagged 'awesomeness' ↓

It's a wonder to me that Mausoleum and I have both been walking this planet since 1983, yet last night marked the first time we'd crossed paths. Approximately three minutes after I started playing the DVD, I realized that I'd found my one true soulmate. It doesn't matter where Mausoleum has been all my life- the important thing is that we've found each other at last, and we're now destined to walk the earth together!

Whilst visiting her mother's grave, li'l Susan decides she no longer wants to live with her Aunt Cora. She takes off running through the graveyard, stopping only when she hears someone whisper-singing her name. She peeks inside one mausoleum, but then spots another one across the way that's far more interesting in that it features its own weather system.

She enters the crypt, which is all lit up in greens and purples like the finest Spencer's Gifts. We learn that this is the tomb of the Nomed family...yes, NOMED. That's some seriously Nilbog shit, if you know what I mean.

Anyway, a clawed hand rises from the sarcophagus, things that defy explanation happen, and Susan's eyes light up all green and make a laser noise. The girl done went and got herself possessed!

Fast forward! Susan is now all grown up- she's portrayed by ex-Playboy Bunny Bobbie Bresee and she's married to Marjoe fucking Gortner. A charmed life, you say? It's easy to assume so, but there's a dark side to this fairytale existence! See, a woman of Susan's...err, attributes finds herself constantly subjected to the lechy gaze of creepy weirdo peeping tom gardeners and creepy weirdo Dan Haggerty-esque disco patrons.


All Susan wanted to do was go dancing with her husband (yes, Marjoe fucking Gortner disco dances!), but that Dan Haggerty-esque jerk made it so difficult that she was left with no choice but to use her magic green gaze to set his car on fire while he was locked inside.


The next day, the creepy gardener makes a bold pass at Susan while her husband is at work- her eyes get their green on and we know it's time for some demonic justice! But not before we bear witness to an eerily silent montage that clues us in as to just what, in fact, a gardener does with his day after making a pass at his employer:












Finally, Susan gets around to launching Operation: Get Back At The Grope-y Gardener: she strolls out onto her balcony wearing only a towel, then sips Riunite as if she's straight from a Jackie Collins novel.

Okay, in reality that's only Phase One of her plan. She continues the seduction approximately 9 hours later, when it's pitch black outside...insert helpful moon shot!

Susan's plan includes actually sleeping with the gardener- boy, this really teaches him a lesson! He suggests they partake in another round, but instead, Susan does her green-eyed thing, turns into some sort of a monster, and kills him with a garden implement. Okay, I guess that really teaches him a lesson.

Soon enough, Susan's victims don't actually have to trespass against her in order for her to unleash the NOMED lurking inside. Poor Aunt Cora, for example, shows up for a visit only to find herself floating around and killed dead thanks to her monsteriffic niece.



One person spared Susan's wrath is Elsie the maid (LaWanda Page...yes, Aunt Esther from Sanford & Son!). Intended as comic relief, Elsie is, in fact, a whopping slice of politically incorrect pie. Yet while she's given to saying things like "Great googily moogily!", Elsie is a rarity in that she's a black character who makes it 'til the end of the picture. When faced with a green fog emanating from Susan's bedroom, Elsie admits there's "Some strange shit goin' on in this house!", yells "No more grievin', I'm leavin'!", and splits.

There's so much more to Mausoleum, but I don't want to give away the whole package, as everyone should be allowed to discover it for him- or herself. Director Michael Dugan has truly given the world a gift! However, a few highlights:

- Susan undergoes hypnosis where she reveals her NOMED nature and corn teeth!

- There's the use of the term "facial fantasy"
- Dialogue includes "Yes...there's a history of possession."
- When possessed, Susan's depravity has no limits- she steals art from the mall!
- Something happens- I cannot reveal what it is, for you must witness it with your own eyes, but suffice it to say, it causes Marjoe fucking Gortner to pull what can only be called a Ridiculous Face of Pre-Death:

- While Mausoleum makes no sense as a whole, the very last shot of the film is so illogical that it actually defies the laws of science and mathematics. Even if you've never seen the film, your guess as to what the fuck is going on here is as good as mine:

- Then we get the end credits, which feature a tender song called "Free Again", written and sung by Frank Primato. It boasts lyrics like "Let's blow the fire dead...that's burning in my head..." and it's every bit as dreadful as you think it would be.

In case you haven't guessed, Mausoleum is a terrible, terrible film. The acting is horrendous, the dialogue atrocious, and the timing between the players is so off that every scene comes across like rejected audition tapes. There's a charm to Bobbie Bresee, but it's one borne of a performance that feels bathed in quaaludes. The sound is awful, as if there's a muted coffee pot percolating somewhere just off camera for the duration of the film. The direction is all but incompetent at times with dull compositions, pointless zooms and pans, and bizarre insert shots. The end of the film, featuring the "exorcism" (I use that term wicked loosely), takes 20 minutes but should only take seven. The creature effects, by genre vet John Carl Buechler, are '80s-style cheesy.

All of that is true, but oh how I loved this movie! I never wanted it to end, ever. On a scale of 1-10, I'd honestly rate it infinity. Lawd help me, it's true- the depths of deliciousness achieved are face-rockingly limitless. Forgive me, Shark Attack 3: Megalodon...step aside, Pieces...there's a new love of my life, and its name is Mausoleum!

Can you feel it in the air? Can you dig it? It's October, y'all! Wait, scratch that- it's SHOCKTOBER! Time to buy your fake eyeballs at the grocery store, time for the crunch of leaves and the rustle of cellophane on the boxes of Ben Cooper costumes.

Okay, so I live on the lower left coast, where the leaves don't change until January (if they change at all)...and Ben Cooper costumes are a thing of the way way past. Just let me have my Halloween-time delusions, won't you? It's the most wonderful time of the year!

The horror blogging community seems to agree, and most everybody's got plenty of tricks and treats in store for your ass this month. Behold...IF YOU DARE!

• Arbogast on Film will once again delightfully deconstruct 31 screams in 31 days
• Things that don't suck include 31 Days of Horror at Things That Don't Suck
• Cinema Suicide is posting a month's worth of Halloween trivia
• It's Shocktober Classics time at Classic Horror, new reviews every weekday
• The Vault of Horror is exploring the Naughtie Aughties year-by-year
• Get in the mood for the season with Day of the Woman as she explores the bits and pieces that add up to Halloween
• Fascination With Fear will be gettin' its quote on all month long
• Countdown to Halloween with a sweet-smellin' potpourri of bloggers at...umm...Countdown to Halloween
• Cinema Fromage is running a serialized horror story all month: Long Harvest
• There's more counting down with countdown participant The Drunken Severed Head
  

As for moi, I'm heading back to my SHOCKTOBER roots and watching & reviewing a movie every day for the duration of the month- the caveat being that I'll only feature movies I've never seen before. Old stuff, new stuff, great stuff, bad stuff, B & W, cullah, stuff I should've seen long ago but lamed out on...it's all up for grabs. I'm really excited to dive back into the daily madness. I've even got a few of my famous (to me) butt-numbing marathons planned. And other stuff.

Whether you're a brother or whether you're a mother a reader or a blogger, there's not doubt: SHOCKTOBER is the best time to be a genre fan!

Hey, remember a few weeks ago when I was all, "Yeah, so I'm inking this comic book and the penciler is this guy named Brent Schoonover and he's really a terrific artist!"? And remember how we all drooled over his Creature from the Black Lagoon illustration?


Yeah, well...feast your peepers on what arrived in my mailbox today.

Click! Make big! I'm still pinching myself over the gross beauty of this 11" x 14" inch amazingness. Go to his website, get some Brent art, and let's all pinch ourselves together! HOLY CRAP!

My dearest dudes, dudettes, and whatevers,

It's time to choose another movie for the communal experience known as The Final Girl Film Club. I am super duper triple dipple wicked mega excited about October Shocktober's pick...almost as excited as I am about Shocktober itself! I'm heading back to my slasher roots to pick a movie I've talked about here at The Old FG Place many times, but I've never properly reviewed...folks, please give it up for...

A decade after a cruel prank against a fellow student went horribly awry, eight friends receive a mysterious invitation to a "private" reunion at their now-closed high school, where they come face-to-face with a frightening figure from their past. One by one, the once-popular former students fall victim to a twisted, bloody fate, and the only person laughing now is the one getting revenge.

That's the Netflix description...here's the link for those of you who get your movies in that oh so modern fashion. Me? I'll be watching a cruddy old VHS copy. It's totally appropriate.

Super psyched!!

The film: Slaughter High
The due date: Monday, October 19

As always, email your links to me at stacieponder at gmail.com. Include a link to Final Girl in your write-up and you're GTG!

This week at AMC, I have compiled an ever-so-helpful list of the Top 10 Killer Families of Horror. You know, the folks who are all related through both blood and a love of murderin'...those who are usually referred to as some sort of "clan". That word really carries certain connotations, doesn't it? Or is that just me? Anyway, the Torrance family never engaged in any homicidal hijinks together, but I need to post this portrait anyway because it is made of 100% pure awesome.


You know what else is made entirely of awesome? This page, which features ten LEGO horror movie reenactments. The Thing? In LEGO? Yes, please. Oh, if they only had video cameras when I was a wee bonny lass... (thanks for the tip, Bill!)

I can't wait for October. Let's celebrate the season of scares a little early this year, yeah?



Okay, Jan Terri is no Icy Spicy Leoncie, but still.

Depending on how much booze you've had so far today, you may or may not remember that once upon a time, I wrote up a list of 50 Horror Films I'd Love to See. Then I created Ghostella's Haunted Tomb, and made the leap from dreams to reality with a few of those titles: Who's Been in the Herb Garden?, Taste of Flesh, Taste of Fear, and Deadly Dress 4: Never a Bride are just a few of the titles turned movie (using that term loosely) that the world can now enjoy (using that term even looser). Who knows, then, what may happen with this list of 15 More Horror Films I'd Like to See? WHO KNOWS? For now, I simply anticipate that it will be read, unless you rightthissecond leave this page, which- let's be honest- would be a bit silly seeing as how you've already read this far.

Anyway.

1. Curds: The Legend of Fungal Joe
2. Children Are the Corn
3. Don't Look in the Pie
4. The Homewrecker, Part 5: Tupperscare Party
5. I Was a Teenage Chupacabra
6. The Devil's Mudflaps
7. Rod Roddy Has Risen From the Grave
8. Supercide Me
9. Death Loaf
10. The Curse of the Haunted Ghost
11. It Only Hurts When You Stab Me
12. I Kill, You Die
13. Death Face 2000
14. Revenge of the Furnituremaker: Bloody Stools
15. The Tell-Tale Vagina

Here's a bonus title that doesn't obviously jive with the genre: Carny Asada

If there's one thing I've learned from writing down these 65 titles, it's that I'm obviously wicked into the idea of horror movies that somehow involve corn.

You will?! Oh, fabulous. It's so easy! All you have to do is:

1. Head over to AMC and read my latest, all about stuff you should...you know, watch. If you left a comment over there, or clicked "recommend", that would make my editor happy. Trust me, it's horrible when she's NOT happy. I'm not going to say she hits me, but she totally does.
2. Wish a happy birthday to Chainsaw Mafia honcho (honchette?), Fangoria Spooksmodel, Ludlow staaaah, and all around super lady Shannon Lark.

What oh what will you get in return, besides that thrilling feeling one only gets when doing a good cyber-deed? Here's what you'll get: a whopping almost ten minutes of awesomely horrible horribly awesome horriblawesomeness from that craptacular flick I recently reviewed, Don't Go in the Woods...Alone! Finally, after all these few days, you can witness for yourself some of the worst acting in the history of ever- and all for just a few clicks. Hooray for everything!

Fangoria online just put up an exclusive clip from the forthcoming film Walking Distance. Writer/direct Mel House is playing it smart- releasing just enough to keep people (well, me anyway) intrigued and all anticipatory, but not enough to really give anything away. In this day and age of meta this and set report that and trailers that you know only show the very best stuff, a little mystery is awfully refreshing.

Check out genre faves Reggie Bannister, Debbie Rochon, and some broad named Shannon Lark in action!

...the waiting really IS the hardest part! Everybody's posting it, so why don't I? The trailer for The Final Destination (or, FINAL DESTINATION OH MY GAHD 3-D!), that is...

The Final Destination trailer


I'd be excited even the film was in a mere two dimensions...but three? Please. California needs to legalize gay marriage NOW so that the expected marriage bedlam will ensue and people can then marry whom- or whatever they want, so I can marry this fucking movie.

Come on, August, what the frig is taking you so long to get here??!

WHY IS THIS THE FIRST TIME I HAVE BEEN EXPOSED TO ZUIIKIN' ENGLISH?

I assure you, it will not be the last.

Baby, sometimes bad movies just hurt so good! Over at AMC today I've listed 10 of my favorite bad horror movies, so check it out! I've talked about most of them before, I think, but it never hurts to spend some more time discussing Rumplestiltskin.

OR DOES IT?

When the trailer for Mega-Shark vs Giant Octopus began making the rounds a couple of weeks ago, it spawned an internet boner heard 'round the world. How could it not? Among the tantalizing highlights are a mega-shark chomping the Golden Gate Bridge, a mega-shark leaping into the air to chomp a commercial airliner, and the promise of appearances by Lorenzo Lamas and Deborah Gibson. If there's that much awesome packed into a two-minute trailer, then surely the other 90 minutes of the film will be so awesome that Mega-Shark vs Giant Octopus will rip through the very fabric of space and time and create a new universe all its own, right? Well, those were my expectations, anyway, and I really don't think they were too high.

The fact that MS vs GO comes from The Asylum is either a cause for alarm or for celebration, depending on your tastes. The Asylum, see, is the Designer Imposter Fragrances of the movie world: they're the ones responsible for Snakes on a Train. When The Day the Earth Stood Still hit theaters, The Asylum rushed to release The Day the Earth Stopped. Michael Bay's Transformers, meet The Asylum's Transmorphers...and so on and so on. They're shameless, and I kinda dig that. However, my grudging admiration doesn't mean their films are actually any good; rather they're an orgy of awful: bad acting, bad CGI, bad green screen, and bad writing combine to form a sweaty miasma of- you guessed it- bad movie awesomeness. Suffice it to say, Mega-Shark vs Giant Octopus had a lot to live up to.

If there's one thing I learned from my beloved Shark Attack 3: Megalodon (and believe me, I've learned way more than one mere thing!), it's that nothing gets the blood pumping like hot, hot underwater mini-sub throttle action. Right off the bat, MS vs GO doesn't disappoint: Deborah Gibson and a pal are tooling around in a mini-sub, looking for...stuff...and there's plenty of button-pushing and throttle throttling to satisfy even the most cynical movie fan.

What's perhaps most magical is that sometimes Deborah Gibson is wearing goth nail polish, and sometimes she's not.

Let's get this out of the way: I love Deborah Gibson in this movie. I like the fact that she's got some years on her. She's earnest, a bit charming, and she manages to say lines like "There's poetry here!" in a way that doesn't completely make you want to kill yourself. Bravo, Asylum, for casting her. I hope she's in every movie ever made from now on, amen.

Some Army dudes or something or other drop some sonar something something...eh, it didn't make much sense. Just know this: the mega-shark and the giant octopus were frozen in place as they were grappling (presumably) to the death (the Ice Age came on fuckin' fast, y'all), but now they're free! Free to grapple! Free to fight! Free to be you and me KILL!

And kill they do, sort of. Frankly, the trailer shows all the best bits, like when the mega-shark takes down the Golden Gate Bridge...

...or when it inexplicably leaps...what, 15,000 feet into the air to take down a jumbo jet:

Besides the OBVIOUS amazingness of the sequence, the shark vs plane scene provided another moment that will live forever in my heart of hearts: as the plane hits some turbulence, a stewardess asks a man to take his seat. The man replies, "I'm getting married in two days." It makes no sense- did he then expect her to respond with "Oh, sir, we had no idea- in that case we'll go around the turbulence!"? I assume it's supposed to add some poignancy to the man's imminent death at the mega-teeth of mega-shark, but all it adds, in the end, is more nonsensical awesomeness.

These positively mysterious deaths cause Deborah Gibson and her cronies to DO SOME SCIENCE. Apparently they work at the Kool-Aid Institute for Underwater Studies, as their "research" involves pouring one colored liquid into a container of another colored liquid, then frowning at the results.




My oh my, I love it when people do science in movies.

After she has sex with a co-worker in the employee breakroom, Deborah Gibson has an idea: they should use pheromones to lure the mega-shark and the giant octopus into some kinda traps! It's a foolproof plan, I tells ya! Lorenzo Lamas shows up as some sort of...err, Army guy, I guess, whose job it is to have a ponytail and to glower.

I'll admit, Mega-Shark vs Giant Octopus was a somewhat rollicking good time up until this point; then everyone piled into a submarine and the proceedings came to a big, fat, grinding halt as there was about a half an hour of this:

Deborah Gibson looking concerned, the...uh...submarine driver looking nervous, the captain saying "steady!", and Lorenzo Lamas hiding his face in shame. Seriously, this went on forever.

Eventually, the mega-shark and the giant octopus resume their battle, and I have to wonder what happened between them that caused them to hold a grudge for millions of years. I bet it involved infidelity. Somehow, in my dreams, a weave is also involved.

The biggest fault with Mega-Shark vs Giant Octopus is that there's simply not enough mega-shark vs giant octopus. That's what folks wanna see- these two CGI behemoths duking it out. We want to see more ridiculous, impossible outrageousness. If the shark took down the Golden Gate Bridge, then why couldn't the octopus go after the Statue of Liberty? It's all made out of computer anyway, so the filmmakers should just balls-out go for it. It's not about making it real, it's about making it fun. Unfortunately, the fun to not-fun ratio in this film is roughly 1:5. I expect those odds to improve in the sequel. Yes, the ending sets up for one, and yes, I'm already looking forward to it- especially if Deborah Gibson is back to do more science!