Entries Tagged 'briefcase woman' ↓

In but a bunch of days, your friendly cantankerous neighborhood Final Girl will be celebrating its blogiversary. Its niftiest fiftiest blogiversary, to be exact! Can you believe it? She's old enough to rediscover herself during a trip to the tropics, to wear caftans as much as she pleases, and to go nuts on the white zinfandel on the weekends. I can't believe it! My precious little baby is not a Final Girl, she is a Final Woman. Seems like a thing worth celebrating, maybe, so let's celebrate with an EVENT: an event wherein we all kind of talk about our favorite horror movie moments! But let's not talk all willy-nilly. Like any good event, there must be rules. Rules to which one must strictly adhere, lest...well, I think we all know what will happen if rules are flouted. We've all seen Footloose*.

*I've never seen Footloose

Okay, so rules comma the:

1. You can submit a list your five favorite horror movie moments. I don't care if they are the moments you find the scariest, the funniest, the grossest, the most profound, the most boner-inducing, whatever. That is your business! This is your list! I don't need explanations, although if you give me a why and/or a whyfor, I will not complain. Unless it's about your boner or even your metaphorical boner, because I am not here for that. (omg not without dinner first right ha ha ha lol) (I'm really not though.)
2. Keep it simple, smarty-pants! You can get obscure...again, that is your business! But it's helpful if it's just, like, "When Annie sings 'Oh, Paul' in Halloween" or "Leatherface twirling with his chainsaw in TCM" or "The videotape in Ringu" or whatever. After all, there's a chance that your favorite moment is also someone else's favorite moment, so this might help with the listing process if I'm going to make a list. I don't rightly know yet. If there's one thing we should have all realized by now, I've been doing this for 15 years but I still don't know what I'm doing.
3. Your favorite "moment" doesn't have to be a moment! It can be a performance, a specific shot, a whole sequence, whatever. FOR THE LAST TIME, THAT IS YOUR BUSINESS. Just know that "moment" is pretty broad here.
4. Definitely include the movie title! Between now and whenever I get your list, I could be in some horrible boating accident and I will hit my head and instead of gaining psychic powers like Cynthia Rothrock did when she hit her head on that tree in Sworn to Justice, I will just get amnesia like someone in that movie I can't remember and I will forget that, like, Michael Myers is in Halloween. 
5. If there's a link to one of your moments on YouTube or something, include it! 
6. Send your list to me at stacieponder at gmail dot com by the end of the day (US PST), Friday June 10. Lists sent after that will be tossed in the trash pile, sorry! Include the subject line HORROR MOVIE MOMENTS so I know what's up.
7. Every US resident who sends a list is eligible to win a Super Amazing Final Girl Blogiversary Prize Pack the Likes of Which No One Has Ever Seen, so include "US RESIDENT" in your email somewhere if you want a chance to win. I'm sorry, international friends, you are the best but for fuck's sake shipping stuff to you is expensive and I am not some 1% hundredaire.
8. I think that's it? 

In but a bunch of days, your friendly cantankerous neighborhood Final Girl will be celebrating its blogiversary. Its niftiest fiftiest blogiversary, to be exact! Can you believe it? She's old enough to rediscover herself during a trip to the tropics, to wear caftans as much as she pleases, and to go nuts on the white zinfandel on the weekends. I can't believe it! My precious little baby is not a Final Girl, she is a Final Woman. Seems like a thing worth celebrating, maybe, so let's celebrate with an EVENT: an event wherein we all kind of talk about our favorite horror movie moments! But let's not talk all willy-nilly. Like any good event, there must be rules. Rules to which one must strictly adhere, lest...well, I think we all know what will happen if rules are flouted. We've all seen Footloose*.

*I've never seen Footloose

Okay, so rules comma the:

1. You can submit a list your five favorite horror movie moments. I don't care if they are the moments you find the scariest, the funniest, the grossest, the most profound, the most boner-inducing, whatever. That is your business! This is your list! I don't need explanations, although if you give me a why and/or a whyfor, I will not complain. Unless it's about your boner or even your metaphorical boner, because I am not here for that. (omg not without dinner first right ha ha ha lol) (I'm really not though.)
2. Keep it simple, smarty-pants! You can get obscure...again, that is your business! But it's helpful if it's just, like, "When Annie sings 'Oh, Paul' in Halloween" or "Leatherface twirling with his chainsaw in TCM" or "The videotape in Ringu" or whatever. After all, there's a chance that your favorite moment is also someone else's favorite moment, so this might help with the listing process if I'm going to make a list. I don't rightly know yet. If there's one thing we should have all realized by now, I've been doing this for 15 years but I still don't know what I'm doing.
3. Your favorite "moment" doesn't have to be a moment! It can be a performance, a specific shot, a whole sequence, whatever. FOR THE LAST TIME, THAT IS YOUR BUSINESS. Just know that "moment" is pretty broad here.
4. Definitely include the movie title! Between now and whenever I get your list, I could be in some horrible boating accident and I will hit my head and instead of gaining psychic powers like Cynthia Rothrock did when she hit her head on that tree in Sworn to Justice, I will just get amnesia like someone in that movie I can't remember and I will forget that, like, Michael Myers is in Halloween. 
5. If there's a link to one of your moments on YouTube or something, include it! 
6. Send your list to me at stacieponder at gmail dot com by the end of the day (US PST), Friday June 10. Lists sent after that will be tossed in the trash pile, sorry! Include the subject line HORROR MOVIE MOMENTS so I know what's up.
7. Every US resident who sends a list is eligible to win a Super Amazing Final Girl Blogiversary Prize Pack the Likes of Which No One Has Ever Seen, so include "US RESIDENT" in your email somewhere if you want a chance to win. I'm sorry, international friends, you are the best but for fuck's sake shipping stuff to you is expensive and I am not some 1% hundredaire.
8. I think that's it? 

In but a bunch of days, your friendly cantankerous neighborhood Final Girl will be celebrating its blogiversary. Its niftiest fiftiest blogiversary, to be exact! Can you believe it? She's old enough to rediscover herself during a trip to the tropics, to wear caftans as much as she pleases, and to go nuts on the white zinfandel on the weekends. I can't believe it! My precious little baby is not a Final Girl, she is a Final Woman. Seems like a thing worth celebrating, maybe, so let's celebrate with an EVENT: an event wherein we all kind of talk about our favorite horror movie moments! But let's not talk all willy-nilly. Like any good event, there must be rules. Rules to which one must strictly adhere, lest...well, I think we all know what will happen if rules are flouted. We've all seen Footloose*.

*I've never seen Footloose

Okay, so rules comma the:

1. You can submit a list your five favorite horror movie moments. I don't care if they are the moments you find the scariest, the funniest, the grossest, the most profound, the most boner-inducing, whatever. That is your business! This is your list! I don't need explanations, although if you give me a why and/or a whyfor, I will not complain. Unless it's about your boner or even your metaphorical boner, because I am not here for that. (omg not without dinner first right ha ha ha lol) (I'm really not though.)
2. Keep it simple, smarty-pants! You can get obscure...again, that is your business! But it's helpful if it's just, like, "When Annie sings 'Oh, Paul' in Halloween" or "Leatherface twirling with his chainsaw in TCM" or "The videotape in Ringu" or whatever. After all, there's a chance that your favorite moment is also someone else's favorite moment, so this might help with the listing process if I'm going to make a list. I don't rightly know yet. If there's one thing we should have all realized by now, I've been doing this for 15 years but I still don't know what I'm doing.
3. Your favorite "moment" doesn't have to be a moment! It can be a performance, a specific shot, a whole sequence, whatever. FOR THE LAST TIME, THAT IS YOUR BUSINESS. Just know that "moment" is pretty broad here.
4. Definitely include the movie title! Between now and whenever I get your list, I could be in some horrible boating accident and I will hit my head and instead of gaining psychic powers like Cynthia Rothrock did when she hit her head on that tree in Sworn to Justice, I will just get amnesia like someone in that movie I can't remember and I will forget that, like, Michael Myers is in Halloween. 
5. If there's a link to one of your moments on YouTube or something, include it! 
6. Send your list to me at stacieponder at gmail dot com by the end of the day (US PST), Friday June 10. Lists sent after that will be tossed in the trash pile, sorry! Include the subject line HORROR MOVIE MOMENTS so I know what's up.
7. Every US resident who sends a list is eligible to win a Super Amazing Final Girl Blogiversary Prize Pack the Likes of Which No One Has Ever Seen, so include "US RESIDENT" in your email somewhere if you want a chance to win. I'm sorry, international friends, you are the best but for fuck's sake shipping stuff to you is expensive and I am not some 1% hundredaire.
8. I think that's it? 

In but a bunch of days, your friendly cantankerous neighborhood Final Girl will be celebrating its blogiversary. Its sweet sixteenth blogiversary, to be exact! Can you believe it? She's old enough to drive (omg look out everyone on the road right ha ha ha lol), to drink (Capri Sun), and to get fucked up (on kitten videos). I can't believe it! My precious little baby is not a Final Girl, not yet a Final Woman. Seems like a thing worth celebrating, maybe, so let's celebrate with an EVENT: an event wherein we all kind of talk about our favorite horror movie moments! But let's not talk all willy-nilly. Like any good event, there must be rules. Rules to which one must strictly adhere, lest...well, I think we all know what will happen if rules are flouted. We've all seen Footloose*.

*I've never seen Footloose

Okay, so rules comma the:

1. You can submit a list your five favorite horror movie moments. I don't care if they are the moments you find the scariest, the funniest, the grossest, the most profound, the most boner-inducing, whatever. That is your business! This is your list! I don't need explanations, although if you give me a why and/or a whyfor, I will not complain. Unless it's about your boner or even your metaphorical boner, because I am not here for that. (omg not without dinner first right ha ha ha lol) (I'm really not though.)
2. Keep it simple, smarty-pants! You can get obscure...again, that is your business! But it's helpful if it's just, like, "When Annie sings 'Oh, Paul' in Halloween" or "Leatherface twirling with his chainsaw in TCM" or "The videotape in Ringu" or whatever. After all, there's a chance that your favorite moment is also someone else's favorite moment, so this might help with the listing process if I'm going to make a list. I don't rightly know yet. If there's one thing we should have all realized by now, I've been doing this for 15 years but I still don't know what I'm doing.
3. Your favorite "moment" doesn't have to be a moment! It can be a performance, a specific shot, a whole sequence, whatever. FOR THE LAST TIME, THAT IS YOUR BUSINESS. Just know that "moment" is pretty broad here.
4. Definitely include the movie title! Between now and whenever I get your list, I could be in some horrible boating accident and I will hit my head and instead of gaining psychic powers like Cynthia Rothrock did when she hit her head on that tree in Sworn to Justice, I will just get amnesia like someone in that movie I can't remember and I will forget that, like, Michael Myers is in Halloween. 
5. If there's a link to one of your moments on YouTube or something, include it! 
6. Send your list to me at stacieponder at gmail dot com by the end of the day (US PST), Friday June 10. Lists sent after that will be tossed in the trash pile, sorry! Include the subject line HORROR MOVIE MOMENTS so I know what's up.
7. Every US resident who sends a list is eligible to win a Super Amazing Final Girl Blogiversary Prize Pack the Likes of Which No One Has Ever Seen, so include "US RESIDENT" in your email somewhere if you want a chance to win. I'm sorry, international friends, you are the best but for fuck's sake shipping stuff to you is expensive and I am not some 1% hundredaire.
8. I think that's it? 

Well, the first episode of The Scare-ening is in the can. If you visit the show page, there are links that will allow you to download it directly or through iTunes. It's, uh, NSFW.


It's also essentially an hour of madness. There are some kinks to work out and issues to resolve, and we'll get better at this stuff as we go. The show airs live, which leaves one (me) feeling all sorts of pressure. Life on the edge, I tells ya...it's as dangerous as it is glamorous!

Thanks to anyone who listened, and big thanks to our guests Hannah Neurotica of Ax Wound, Andrew Shearer, Monica Puller, and Rachael Deacon of Gonzoriffic, Brian Solomon of The Vault of Horror, and Brittney-Jade Colangelo of Day of the Woman.

Any and all hate mail should be sent to my co-host Heidi Martinuzzi. Hooray!

Since the rest of the world posted their End O' the Decade Specials, you know, weeks ago, I figured this would be the perfect time for me to do the same. Always on the cutting edge, c'est moi! So, what exactly is it that I've assembled here? Well, it's simply a list of horror movies I've really enjoyed from the last decade. That's it. I'm not saying they're "the best", and they're not the only horror movies I've liked- in fact, I'm not quite sure what criteria I used in choosing titles beyond "Would I watch it again? Why, yes I would!" Therefore, this list is rather Final Girl-specific...in other words, there's probably lauded films you'll be surprised to find missing, and some real pieces of crap you'll be surprised to find included, but that's just how we do here at the ol' FG. That said, there are plenty of good movies I've yet to see- at least, I hope there are- so feel free to shout 'em out loud in the comments.

I meant to include ten films from each year to make a nice-n-weighty (that's my style) master list, but damn...some years just stunk and I had a tough time finding even a couple of titles to feature (2005, I'm looking at you!). On the other hand, 2007 and 2008 saw some fucking terrific movies. Oh, and release dates/years might be wonky, as they sometimes are, but again- that's just how we do. Links to reviews are provided, if I done reviewed 'em. Oh, and they're not in any particular order, but I'm going to put an asterisk next to my favorite selection from that specific year. A couple years, phew, it was a tough choice. Anyway, without further ado...




2000

• Cherry Falls
• Final Destination
• American Psycho

• Nightmare
  
• Pitch Black
• The Convent*

2001

• Dagon
• Cookers
• Anal Paprika
• Just Seeing If You Were
• Paying Attention
• But That Really Is A Movie
• Session 9*

2002

• 28 Days Later
• Dog Soldiers
• Shark Attack 3: Megalodon

• The Ring*
• Ju-On
• Resident Evil

2003

• High Tension

• Dead End
• Final Destination 2
• Wrong Turn*

2004

• Dawn of the Dead
• Shaun of the Dead*
• Dead Birds

2005

• The Descent*
• Voice

2006

• Bug*
• Cold Prey
• All the Boys Love Mandy Lane (ha ha ha, "2006"!)

• Silent Hill
• Wilderness
  

2007

• Inside
• 28 Weeks Later
• The Mist
• The Orphanage
• [REC]*

• Black House
• Joshua
• Planet Terror
  

2008

• Let the Right One In
• Martyrs*

• Pontypool
• Resident Evil: Degeneration
• Splinter

2009

• Drag Me to Hell*
• Paranormal Activity
• My Bloody Valentine 3D
• Orphan
  

And there you go. Don't you feel more fulfilled now? I know I do.

So wait, those asterisks...does that mean that I liked The Convent more than I liked American fucking Psycho? Yes, it's true. Of the two, is The Convent the better film? Most certainly not. But "quality" doesn't always relate to "entertainment value", and I had more fun with the day-glo nuns. That's just the way it goes sometimes, homies. There's no accounting for taste.

2008 and 2009 were perhaps the most difficult for me to choose a "favorite". Did I actually enjoy Martyrs? That's really really not the right word, but it's a film I'm still thinking about months after seeing it...it's a film I'm still trying to wrap my head around enough to even write up something on it, something that the movie deserves. So yeah, I guess it was my favorite of that year. For 2009, it really came down to Drag Me to Hell and Orphan, for I so loved them both and had a grand time with each. Esther faltered a bit in the final lap, however, so the prize goes to the yuck-toothed gypsy. Hooray!

Looking back at the decade, it's remarkable how far the genre evolved between 2000- coming off the age of Scream and "WB horror"- and 2009. First of all, the WB doesn't exist anymore. Second, it seems that filmmakers are responding to the desires of the audiences (whether consciously or not) for smarter, more thought-provoking, effing scarier films. Sure there's always going to be stuff for us to complain about, from remakes to sucky sequels to general lameness, but if there's one thing I've learned from this post, it's that it's a great time to be a horror fan.

From the desk of: DON'T SHOOT YOUR MOUTH OFF:

As you may or may not recall, just the other day I was bragging how I never get sick and how my white blood cells kick ass, right? Well, guess who felt like this all weekend?

I don't know what happened. Friday I went to a press day (the results of which will be revealed later on this week!) and I was feeling both hunky and dory. Then Friday night I was feeling neither, then late Friday night I was feeling really bad, then I spent two days mostly sleeping- waking up only to catch 5 minutes of Lockdown (it is vital that I know what prison entails and how I should behave if I should ever fins myself...locked down) or to turn on my Xbox before passing out again before I could pick up the controller. It was essentially shuffle to the couch, sleep, shuffle to the bed, sleep, take my temperature (I became obsessed with taking my temperature almost instantly), sleep, etc etc. Very, very weird. I don't know what happened, although I have my suspicions:

- One of you is a mean Drag Me to Hell-type gypsy who, after reading my post full of boasting, gave a shout of "I'll show her!" and promptly put a pox on me

- The recent anonymous commenter on my pregnancy scares post, who suggested that anyone who thinks babies are weird parasites should probably terminate themselves, somehow influenced my body to rebel on me

- I shouldn't have eaten the proffered piece of cake my roommate made for her boyfriend's birthday, as the eggs she used expired over a month ago...although they both seem to be fine

- It's probably because of something else you did

I don't know if there's any point to my talking about all of this except to say that I have nothing to post today because I'm only just starting to feel human again, or at least as close to human as I ever feel.

My near-death experience of being sick this weekend (okay, maybe that's exaggerating) not only got me obsessed with taking my own temperature, but it also reminded me that yes, we're all going to die someday. Hopefully, that day will be far far FARRRRRRR off, and hopefully death will not come via being boiled alive amongst the hot dogs, as is the case with that poor fellow in My Bloody Valentine. Still, everyone has an expiration date. Thinking about this filled my head with thoughts of "Oh dear lord, who has to throw away my dirty underwear once I'm dead?", and it made me glad that I don't have a journal full of bad poetry tucked away somewhere, just waiting to be discovered after I'm gone. Hooray!

Dear y'all,

So this is it, my big 1000th post. Though I really have nothing profound to say (shock), I couldn't let the moment pass by without acknowledging it somehow. I marked the occasion of my 500th post with a rather lengthy entry describing Final Girl's humble roots and highlighting a few of my favorite posts. Wow, I just noticed that my 500th hit on November 20, 2007- almost two years ago to the day. That's surely significant of something...? Probably not. Anyway, what's happened in the two years since my last major milestone?


...I think we can all agree that one of the best things that's happened around here has been the introduction of Briefcase Woman, who came along one fine day in May, 2008 to demonstrate the joys that can be had when one votes. Since then, she's spread her enthusiasm all over this blog like...like...well, let's honor her origins and vote for an apt simile, shall we?



Hooray!

...the Final Girl Film Club keeps chugging along, powered by the awesomeness of The Internet. We've covered a whopping 18 films since post 500, and there's no sign of stopping yet. Next up: The Wicker Man on December 14. What movies would you like to nominate for FGFC coverage? Before you answer, take a quick peek at my reviews archive to make sure I haven't already reviewed it.

...I made a movie- a few, really. Ludlow will be ready for mass consumption soon, a thought that's as terrifying as it is metaphorical boner-inducing.

...I've written 85 columns for AMC (holy crapping crap) and I've started contributing to Rue Morgue magazine. Both make me feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

...this little site just keeps on keepin' on, mostly business as usual. Reviews, stupid pictures, blah blah blah. As you know, I love Final Girl more than Donkey Kong loves throwing barrels at plumbers. While I could write exclusively for myself and be somewhat satisfied (being an only child grants me a +15 to both mana regeneration and my ability to entertain myself) (sorry, I've been playing Dragon Age: Origins) (it's so fucking awesome)...well, it wouldn't be the same without you guys reading it. Again, I say hooray!

Okay, now tell me what's been your favorite post or feature or whatevs here on Final Girl so I feel pretty.

What? I'm allowed to fish for ego-stroking compliments every 500 posts, that's the rule I made up.

Here's to 10,000 more posts! HUZZAH!

...when the world must come together as one and CLICK THE BIG PURPLE BUTTON MULTIPLE TIMES to vote for my zombie/pizza mashup movie, They Won't Stay Fed!.

Thanks for the response so far...we're really gaining ground! Just think, someday this will all be over and you won't have to toil away like some sort of cyber Sisyphus, and I won't have to come up with a new and exciting way to ask for your votes every day. Won't that be awesome? In the meantime, please consider getting your 15 daily clicks on!

I did! And you know who else would if she could? Briefcase Woman. Yup, she'd click that big purple button and she'd be so excited about it!


Sorry to be obnoxious about this trawling for votes thing, but I'm really far behind all the people who entered weeks ago...so my obnoxiousness, I'm afraid, is going to continue. It's gross, I know. It'll be over when SHOCKTOBER is over, although...is that ever really over?

Thanks if you've voted for They Won't Stay Fed! already- and please consider making it one of your daily habits...you know, like brushing your teeth or watching Midwest Obsession (sorry, is that just me?). Click the big purple button...it'll take a second or three for your vote to register. Keep an eye on the vote tally just above the big purple button...then repeat until the big purple button tells you to come back tomorrow. It'll take you a minute, but you can vote 15 times in a row. Tell your friends! Tell your family! Tell strangers on the street, so long as they're obviously over the age of 18! Let's turn my so far behind in the polls status into a magnificent comeback, worthy of a crappy lite comedy!

*EDITED TO ADD: You can vote 15 times per day on their website AND on the widget here at FG, meaning 30 votes per day, per person. That's some serious clicking!

While I know you're a drooling fanboy/fangirl/fanthing for the So I Made A Movie series, it may not satisfy your itchy tasty cravings for some more practical low-to-no budget horror filmmaking. So...I Made A Column! At AMC! And it features Five Wee Rules for Making Your Own Backyard Horror Movie- sort of my mini version of Zen and the Art of DIY Horror, or some such. I'm not claiming to be an expert on anything, or even the person who bags the expert's groceries...but in the last year I've picked up the camera and pointed it at stuff many times, so I've learned a few things. Go and read it! Repost it! Then my editors at AMC will be all "Wow, Stacie, you're right- people are interested in this sort of column!" and I can write another one that contains more nuts and bolts advice, like how to make fake blood and stuff like that instead of counting down my top 5 favorite movies that feature people without hair or whatever. Do it for me! Better yet...do it for Briefcase Woman!

If you are a millionaire, take note: a limited number of tickets to the Reaper Awards are available to lucky fans for a mere $150 a pop! That doesn't get you into the cocktail party, but you get to watch the ceremony, which...is all about horror on DVD. Some online and print genre journalists came up with a list of nominees, and now you can go vote to determine, say, the best Blu-Ray horror release.

In other awards ceremony news, I present to you the five nominees in the category Things I Would Get With $150 Instead:

• 18 copies of Shark Attack 3: Megalodon to pass out on street corners
• 340 postage stamps to use on 340 letters to Lifetime Movie Network, thus beginning my grassroots campaign advocating Final Girl as Lifetime Movie Network Programmer for a Day
• 26 gallons of Raspberry Ice Crystal Light ('cause I believe in me!)
• I could make a few short films for $150, no probs
• PIZZA

And the winner is...I'll let you know as soon as I have $150 lying around!

First off, let me just say that I have no clue what that post title is supposed to mean. Hopefully you can find some sort of deep symbolism or what have you.

Kids, tomorrow's the big day! Which big day, you ask? Well, it's the big day where I head back to Ludlow to finish shooting Ludlow. Hooray! You know what that really means? It means we're all getting to that time when I no longer have to talk incessantly about this damn movie because I will no longer be thinking incessantly about this movie. What a glorious day that shall be!

So, I'll be back in a week's time. Shannon Lark is here (duh...although I did toy with the idea of replacing her with Sarah Chalke for the remaining scenes) (that's a Roseanne reference) (I fucking love me some Roseanne) (seriously, I get trapped when Nick At Nite or whatever shows 50 Roseanne episodes in a row...I can't stop watching) (I'm like a chain smoker except instead of smoking, I'm...you know...watching episodes of Roseanne) and we've got several big big days planned: finishing Ludlow, shooting one of her short films, shooting a trailer for one of my films (ooh la la!) and camping for two days in Death Valley. All that in a week? Pfft...no probs.

However, the average summer temperature in Death Valley is right around one million point three; therefore, if you don't hear from me some time next week, please send a search party out to look for our shriveled-up corpses. Hooray again! HOORAY AGAIN I SAY.


I'd like to give one last round of thanks to everyone who donated, even if you could only spare some kind thoughts. Your generosity is overwhelming, and it's amazing to have people believe in us and this project...and thanks to all of you, the scenes we're adding to the film are the best yet. I just hope you end up liking the finished product...I'd hate to have you embarrassed that your money went to (and your name is attached to) some piece of dook.

Watch lots of horror movies whilst I'm gone!

Oh my lord, I love Briefcase Woman.

Yes, and YOU, Charles Nelson Reilly.

Oh, and YOU, dear readers!

You will?! Oh, fabulous. It's so easy! All you have to do is:

1. Head over to AMC and read my latest, all about stuff you should...you know, watch. If you left a comment over there, or clicked "recommend", that would make my editor happy. Trust me, it's horrible when she's NOT happy. I'm not going to say she hits me, but she totally does.
2. Wish a happy birthday to Chainsaw Mafia honcho (honchette?), Fangoria Spooksmodel, Ludlow staaaah, and all around super lady Shannon Lark.

What oh what will you get in return, besides that thrilling feeling one only gets when doing a good cyber-deed? Here's what you'll get: a whopping almost ten minutes of awesomely horrible horribly awesome horriblawesomeness from that craptacular flick I recently reviewed, Don't Go in the Woods...Alone! Finally, after all these few days, you can witness for yourself some of the worst acting in the history of ever- and all for just a few clicks. Hooray for everything!

I'm not going to expend a lot of jibber jabber before I get to the nougaty center of this story, which is thus: I totally did not watch Amityville II: The Possession.

I know. Could I BE any more of a lame? No...no, I could not. But gather 'round, all yon children, whilst I weave a tapestry of reasons and excuses to hang on the wall of the Final Girl Film Clubhouse!

Mr. Roper obviously has neither the time nor the inclination to listen to my blathering. He also seems to indicate that he finds the entire affair a little "fruity".*

Anyway, since I announced the selection I kept putting off watching it and doing other things and making some stuff and whatever, you know? And let's face it, I was a little bit bleh about the whole thing from the get go, which left me unmotivated to watch it- just ask my mom! I told her that very same thing yesterday when I dutifully did my duty and called her for Mother's Day. I probably should have postponed the due date, but those of you who are far more diligent than I started sending links to your reviews, so I felt I should I should just dutifully do this other duty- the duty of watching it. Earlier today I decided the time was right and Burt Young or no Burt Young, I had to get going. I went over to Hulu to get my Amityville on, only to discover that the movie was GONE. Gone as in no longer on the site, as if it fell into the depths of Hell through that weird, hidden red room in the basement. This was discouraging.

Denise Richards is as shocked as I was.

Rest assured, however, that my quest for Amityville II did not end there! People, I actually put on shoes and walked to the video store to pick up a copy, only to find giant signs plastered everywhere stating that Video Hut is going out of business, and that everything simply must go. I spent a good deal of time browsing, as movies were going for $5. However, this sale has been going on for a week or so and the place was pretty picked over- I'd go so far as to say that the remaining pickins, in fact, were quite disappointing. Either I'd seen the movies but felt no desire to own a copy forever and ever (stuff like I Know What You Did Last Summer) or my curiosity about a film simply didn't warrant spending a whopping five bucks (stuff like The Return starring Sarah Michelle Gellar; did anybody actually see that?). I almost bought Guns and Lipstick starring Sally Kirkland and Robert Forster, but in the end I left Video Hut empty handed. Of course, now that I'm thinking about it, I kinda want to go back for that movie. Or if I have a sudden, burning desire to pick up anything from the Erika Eleniak catalogue, as it seems it was available in its entirety.

As I walked home, I felt like a big ol' douche that I wouldn't be able to post a review for my own fucking Film Club. But then The Carrie Nations came on my walkman...excuse me, my iPod...and I felt better. So much better, in fact, that I spent the rest of my stroll home wondering why I haven't yet picked Beyond the Valley of the Dolls for the Film Club regardless of the fact that it's not horror. Then I wondered how I could get Erica Gavin to be in one of my movies, and then I was home. Then I did some other stuff, and now I'm here telling you all about my fascinating attempts to watch Amityville II: The Possession. That's...totally better than a review, right? Briefcase Woman thinks so, hooray!


Film Club Coolies, y'all!

The Film Club Coolies are EXTRA cool this time ('cause, you know, they actually watched the damn movie and wrote about it), and I implore you to visit their sites. They're not lame-os like yours truly, even though REALLY it's all Hulu's fault**.

The Verdant Dude
Zombie Cupcake
Vegan Voorhees
Creature Cast
Banned in Queensland
Michael Petrik
The Deadly Doll's House of Horror Nonsense
The Horror Section
Bloody Good Horror
Down Inside You're Dirty
RJ Battles
From the Depths of DVD Hell
Emma Blackwood
Stephanie Vaughn
















*Big ups to my pal Brent Schoonover for sending me this picture. I've been waiting for any old excuse to post it.

**Still, I'm gonna watch this movie one day, I swear. No, honest, I SWEAR. I really want to see Amityville Dollhouse and Amityville Part Whatever: It's About Time, so I'll just have to make an Event Week out of it. I mean, I friggin' loved Amityville 4: The Evil Escapes!

Thanks to everyone who entered the Fango ticket giveaway thingie. Winners have been chosen and notified! And to all those who didn't win or who don't live close enough to warrant an entry into said ticket giveaway thingie, behold the immortal words of Briefcase Woman...


I remember when she said that I should remember that when I didn't win Dancing With the Stars, the Home Edition. She's so inspirational.