Entries Tagged 'lesbian vampires' ↓

Hey, people. This is just to let you know that Taste of Flesh, Taste of Fear, my lesbian vampire short film, is no longer a pre-order: it's officially an order. Wow! It's five bucks plus $2.95 shipping. It's got a commentary track and this spiffy cover:

Damn straight the back cover is an homage to Warner Home Video! That's how we do it at Team Final Girl.

Anyway, if you want one, just click this magic button.

Okay, it's not a magic button. But still.

...full of happiness. Not like stupid ol' yesterday with its swear word this and its this sucks that. No, my friends, today is about things that are both fresh and exciting- you know, like that Kool & the Gang song "Joanna".

Did you know that Kool & the Gang formed up in 1964? That's so much earlier than I thought. I think their first hit was "Jungle Boogie", which came along in the early 70s...but their REAL mainstream success happened in the 80s, about 20 years after they started. Let Kool & the Gang guide you! Don't give up on your dreams! Show, as they did, what people who like to make up words might call "stick-toit-iveness".

Wow, that last paragraph was very American Psycho of me.

Anyway. Some things!

Thing the first: Because I really don't have enough going on every day, I just relaunched Toosday Toons over yonder at AfterEllen.com. For those of you who have known me for years, I think this marks Toosday Toons v4.0. Every time I think I'm out, et cetera et cetera something something obligatory Godfather III joke. As the title may imply, new strips will appear at AfterEllen on Tuesdays.


Thing the second: Mr. Eric Spudic of Spudic's Movie Empire has initiated a fundraising campaign to pay for radio advertising. Check it out! Or if you're in the Los Angeles area, stop by his store. Or if you're not in the Los Angeles area, check out his site and special order some goodies. It's a good old-fashioned movie store made for browsing and lovers of trash like myself. A gold mine, I tells ya!

Thing the third: The Viscera 2008-2009 DVD is finally on sale! Head over to The Chainsaw Mafia and nab yerself a copy. It's got my short film Taste of Flesh, Taste of Fear on it, as well as Lip Stick, one of the films Shannon Lark and I made together. There's also a bunch of other shorts made by a bunch other awesome women. Blam!


Thing the fourth: Taste of Flesh, Taste of Fear is now available for pre-order! Yes, you can get a copy of my lesbian vampire fashion doll "epic" to clutch to your very own bosoms. Thanks to the magic of my pal Andrew of Gonzoriffic, the DVD features both the film and a director's commentary track. Since I am the director, it would be safe to assume that the commentary track features me. It's only $5 plus shipping! It's a DVD-R, but it's got a fancy cover and a standard DVD case, totally safe for bosom-clutching. I'm going to try to put up a Paypal button now that will allow you to order directly. Let's see how this goes...I hope this button is gentle. It's my first time!

Thing the fifth: Thanks to everyone who watched the first episode of my new web show Space Girls. I'm hard at work on the second episode, and I promise some very cool guest stars are coming in future installments!
Thing the sixth: The Scare-ening is on tomorror night at 8pm PST. Tune in and listen! Or don't.

Thing the seventh: I swear I'm going to have a review up here tomorrow, even if it's the last thing I ever do. I hope it's not the last thing I ever do, but if it is, remember: YOU are my favorite reader!

Mmm, there's nothing quite like a Hammer film from the studio's prime- particularly their vampire movies. Particularly particularly their lesbian vampire movies: all flowy, diaphanous gowns, ruffled collars, misty graveyards, heaving bosoms, and fangs fangs fangs. In 1970, director Roy Ward Baker brought the world The Vampire Lovers, the first film in what would become known as The Karnstein Trilogy. As horror films moved into the age of grindhouse cinema, Hammer tried to keep up by upping the more salacious aspects of their films. Though it may seem rather tame by current standards (these kids today, I swear), The Vampire Lovers was daring in its portrayal of lesbian lust and bare breasts, providing some of the most explicit scenes in any English-language film for the time.

The Vampire Lovers is, as you might expect, based on J. Sheridan Le Fanu's novella Carmilla; sure, practically every lesbian vampire movie says it's based on Carmilla, but The Vampire Lovers keeps close to the source material.

There's not to the film much in terms of plot: the Karnsteins were a wicked wicked vampire family, and they've been wiped out, save Marcilla. Err, Mircalla. Make that Carmilla. At any rate, it's Ingrid fucking Pitt, and she likes pretty young things. With the help of her "Aunt", the mysterious Countess (Dawn Addams), Carmilla ends up staying with the families of these innocent lasses; inevitably, the girls become infatuated with Carmilla. As their infatuations grow, however, they become weaker and weaker. Before long, the girls are dead and Carmilla/Marcilla/Mircalla is long gone.


There are a few concepts at work that set The Vampire Lover apart from its fellow lesbian vampire flicks. First, there's that moniker, "lesbian vampire"- though that's the familiar term for the subgenre, it's actually quite rare when the vampire in question is actually a lesbian. For the sake of, perhaps, palatability with mainstream audiences, the women are often bisexual- particularly in films from decades ago. Pitt's Carmilla, however, strictly joneses for the ladies, a remarkably progressive idea in 1970. She fake-out seduces a few men with kisses, only to kill them quickly so they're out of her way...but she falls in love- and in bed- with the girls.

Yes, Carmilla falls in love! There are more than a few unexplained concepts at work in The Vampire Lovers (for example, who the hell is the laughing vampire on horseback?), but Carmilla's motivations are clear: when she falls for a lady, she wants to be with her forever. Unfortunately, she's one of the undead and therefore destroys the very things she loves when she gives in to her primal urges. She slowly drains the life from her beloved until they've passed and she's forced to find a new family and a new victim. Silly Carmilla, a happily-ever-after is rare for the cinematic lesbian- and it's never in the cards for a lesbian vampire. Sad, sad. She just wants love! She can't help it that she gets bite-crazy.

As this is a Hammer Studios vampire film, you'd be right to expect that the bloodsucker's reign of terror is brought to an end by Peter Cushing. Here, he's no Van Helsing, though- he's General von Spielsdorf, and he seeks to avenge his daughter Laura, who died after falling under "Marcilla"'s spell (and teeth).


There's far more romance than horror at work in The Vampire Lovers, and that's just fine- again, this is primo Hammer output, more old country vampire vibe than anything else. Mind you, I dig that sort of thing, movies that feature superstitious villagers clutching bouquets of garlic flowers and making the sign of the cross. Still, Roy Ward Baker knows how to squeeze every drop of atmosphere out of the lush country settings, and he doesn't skimp on the fang-baring. Or the breast-baring, if that matters to you. One of my favorite shots in the film is this, which is oh-so-very Nosferatu.

You know, even if I wanted to become a lesbian vampire later in life (or...unlife or afterlife or whatever), Carmilla/Mircalla/Marcilla has taught me that I'd need a better name than "Stacie". First of all, it's not very old world seductive. Second, how many alias anagrams can I get out of that? Cietas? Tascie? No right-minded young lass or kind-hearted Generals would fall for those!

Check it: comedian, recurring guest on Ghostella's Haunted Tomb, and friend of the ol' FG Bridget McManus has a new show premiering on LOGO TV in about 13 hours (that's 4am PST, kids, the best time slot in the history of ever)! It's called Bridget McManus Presents: That Time of the Month and it's going to have a bunch of...stuff...on it. You can watch a teaser intro here, but it won't tell you anything about anything. I don't know anything about anything, but I do know this: the premiere episode will feature my short film Taste of Flesh, Taste of Fear. KA-BOOM!

Set your TIVOs, or stay up. Or catch it in reruns. Or catch it with Rerun if you have the ability to communicate with the dead. The point is, catch it and getcher lesbian vampire on!

I would also like to mention that next month's episode of That Time of the Month will mark the beginning of an all-new series from yours truly. I'll tell you all about it when That Time draws closer...mua ha ha indeed!

...because you can never have just one AMPF Lesbian Vampire edition! They're like potato chips that way.

Once upon a time, I made a short film about zombies and pizza and entered it into a contest. Because the film was essentially an advert for the pizza, it had to feature the pizza. This particular establishment was not local to me, and therefore I had to procure some of their frozen pies to use. When all of us gathered to make movie magic ate some of this pizza, we came to a startling realization: it was fucking gross. This hurt me deeply in my heart place because as you know, I love pizza. When pizza is disgusting, I'm not exaggerating when I say that I consider it to be a tragedy. I want the offending dough-cheese-sauce thing to be stripped of its "pizza" moniker. I want to emblazon it with a scarlet C (for crap) to warn others away from it, lest they feel the disappointment I feel.

In short, bad pizza makes me want to cry.

I don't understand how anyone could get it wrong...I mean, there's a formula, right? That formula gives you a nice solid foundation on which you can add your own flair (by "flair" I mean "black olives"), making it even better.

Okay, maybe I don't know what I'm talking about. This is all some awkward, post-lunch metaphor for formulaic horror movies- you know, like slasher movies and lesbian vampire movies. When the formula works, it's delicious. I'm not one to decry the same ol' same ol' when it's done well- and baby, Jose Larraz's Vampyres (1974) is done well!

Phew, awful metaphor over.

Vampyres opens with a cryptic scene that finds a figure, seen only in shadow, unleashing bullets (from a gun!) on our heroines, who happen to be engaging in some naked lesbionic antics. Questions abound: is this a flashback, or a flash-forward? Why would anyone shoot a couple of innocent, cavorting lesbians?

After this explosive, nudetastic intro, the movie becomes your typical lesbian vampire movie: a young couple runs into mysterious women, the mysterious women lure young men back to their castle, the young men are wined and dined (on), the mysterious women get it on with each other. Like I said, Vampyres is typical and formulaic, and the plot, as it were, is bare-bones...but who the hell cares?

This is an entertaining, stylish erotic horror movie that hits all the right notes for its genre: the women are gorgeous (the men...err, less so), the sex is racy, the blood and violence ample, the cloaks are velvet, the castle grounds are lush and mist-covered...essentially, it's everything you could want in a lesbian vampire movie.

In the end, you'll undoubtedly be left with questions, some of which are more frustrating than others. Are Fran (Marianne Morris) and Miriam (Anulka) really vampires? If so, where are their fangs...and more importantly, why do they spend so much time in the sunlight as they frantically attempt to get out of the sunlight? Of course, this may all be Larraz playing around with vampire tropes- although the scenes that bookend the film indicate that the women may not be vampires at all.

Look, I've got to get through a lot of lesbian vampire movies to fulfill Category 5 for Operation: 101010, and I know they're not all going to be gems (bad lesbian vampire movies make me want to cry). Believe me, that's almost as depressing as that shitty frozen pizza I was talking about earlier. I'm already imagining a future time when I'm on...oh, let's say entry #8 in Category 5, watching some horrible movie from 2007 that gets the formula oh-so-wrong, when I'm crying out that it shouldn't be that hard to get the formula oh-so-right and why can't actresses have real bodies anymore and why did I make this subgenre a part of Operation 101010...that's when I'll think back to Vampyres and I will smile. I will smile the smile of a gorehound-letch who likes to watch sapphic bloodsuckers...uh, suck blood and be all sapphic and stuff. And really, isn't that all of us?

From David DeCoteau, director of The Brotherhood comes...dun dun dunnnnn...The Sisterhood, a tale of stuff that totally happens.

The stuff totally starts to happen right away as some girl and some guy are making out on some bed, when all of a sudden some other person comes in and the make out girl is all "I'm so sorry! Don't do anything to me or I'll tell all your secrets!" and she splits, but the robed figure chases the girl up to some rooftop and then the girl falls off onto some sidewalk and dies. The Sisterhood means business!

Some time later, Christine (Jennifer Holland) arrives at College University (or some shit), a place of higher learning that suspiciously resembles a chain hotel.

But no matter! It's what's inside College University that counts- and what's inside is Barbara Crampton, professor of Abnormal Psychology! Surely Barbara Crampton has a wizened old painting or two tucked away in her attic, because she apparently hasn't aged at all since her Re-Animator days.


During class- which is held in a room that suspiciously resembles a hotel conference room- a magic marker floats up and writes CHRISTINE on a dry erase board (that's right- no chalkboards at College University!). Christine freaks out and runs away- what's going on here? Was it a truly magic magic marker?

Christine runs back to her dorm room (which suspiciously resembles a hotel room) and promptly uses her brain power to light a candle. Christine, you see, has eerie powers! Did she write her own name on the dry erase board? Don't worry: the movie never tells you, but in the end, that's the only logical explanation. However, if that's true, then it's not logical that Christine would flip out over it. Don't worry: nothing in The Sisterhood makes sense.

Meanwhile, there's a sexy sorority on campus called BAT (Beta Alpha Tau or some shit) and they're interested in recruiting Christine. This turns out to be a fortuitous development, for Professor Barbara Crampton asked Christine to pledge- there's something hinky going on at the BAT house, and apparently only Chsitine and her eerie powers can stop it. What's the evil secret of the BAT house? You may want to sit down for this:

They sit around drinking wine and making out!

Yes, girls making out with other girls, even though they're girls. I mean...that's the evil that Professor Barbara Crampton is talking about, yes? And the "temptation" that Christine must avoid while she's in the company of BATs? It must be, because there's nothing else going on at the sorority whatsoever. I mean, when Professor Barbara Crampton says "You can't allow them to entice you into doing anything you've never done before, or you'll be one of them!" and it coincides with this shot:

...well, what are we supposed to think? Duh, it's all about catching The Gay. Not surprising, as this is a David DeCoteau film, and his films tend to be totally gay without being at all gay because gay doesn't sell but David DeCoteau is gay and makes gay stuff. Pick up The Brotherhood or any of the zillion sequels, put on some gay glasses, get out your homo decoder ring and see what you think. It's fun to spot veiled messages!

The messages at the BAT house don't stay veiled for long, however, and as a new pledge Christine is forced to stand by awkwardly and watch HBIC (Head BAT in Charge) Devin (Michelle Borth) make out with some other chick as techno music plays.

Then some wind appears out of nowhere, and the scene is still awkward and not at all erotic.

Devin tells Christine that they have to wait a week to perform the real initiation ceremony, because the ceremony requires a full moon. Of course, the moon has been shown in the film about 86945 times by this point, and it's already full.

And thus begins a cycle: Christine goes to the BAT house, there's making out, techno music plays, Professor Barbara Crampton reminds Christine to resist temptation, we wonder why Professor Barbara Crampton is so uptight, blah blah blah.

Devin has somehow gotten wind of Christine's eerie powers and asks for a display. Christine obliges, literally, turning into a display from Spencer's Gifts:

What are these eerie mind powers, I wonder. She sparkles and can light candles, but they're just called "mind powers"- not telekinesis, not telepathy...then I remember that The Sisterhood doesn't make any sense and I stop wondering.

It seems that Devin is truly evil- she sleeps with Christine's goody goody "I'm waiting for marriage" not quite boyfriend Josh, and she totally corrupts him! He goes from being a studious nerd:

...to walking around the hotel campus dressed all in all black. He keeps his shirt open, he stops caring about school, and he...and he...wears sunglasses!

This humiliation only strengthens Christine's resolve to fight against the temptation of wine-drinking and bisexuality, much to the relief of Professor Barbara Crampton. They have a meeting in which everything and nothing is explained: apparently Devin is immortal and has been corrupting innocents for 400 years, while the ancestors of both the teacher and the student have battled her throughout the centuries. Christine is all, "Oh."

Hooray, the moon is finally full(er) and it's time for the initiation ceremony. It looks like every other evil college initiation ceremony you've seen: there's the requisite robes, coffin, candles, and "belonging to the darkness"es.

But oh no for Devin! Somehow she didn't notice that one of the four robed figures is actually Professor Barbara Crampton, who reveals herself to be...Professor Barbara Crampton, Vampire Slayer. Yes, it seems that the BAT girls are all vampires. I would have noticed this earlier, except it wasn't even vaguely alluded to whatsoever for the first 80 minutes of the film.

The final showdown the world has been waiting hundreds of years to be is a real nail-biter. Christine uses her eerie mental powers!

This causes an Adobe lens flare.

This weakens Devin long enough to allow Professor Barbara Crampton, Vampire Slayer to plunge a stake into the vampire's heart. This causes Devin to turn into the opening title sequence from The Thing...

...and then she explodes. SHE EXPLODES.

Just when you thought the world was safe, however, things poop on your neck: the world is not safe! Christine makes a mad grab for power and becomes head of the BATs! She and her sisters head off into the sunset to presumably make out and drink wine, because that's all they ever do.

Just when you thought the world was unsafe, however, things poop on the poop on your neck: the world is totally unsafer! Apparently it takes more than exploding to stop the mighty Devin, who is still alive. Or undead. Or whatever the fuck she is.

What's odder than the fact that she survived being blown up, however, is that a girl was buried all bloody and fanged with a stake sticking out of her chest and nobody seemed to care. I guess the coroner and funeral home of College University Town are really phoning it in at this point.

Wait, I forgot- The Sisterhood doesn't make any sense! I know I've made it seem as if it might make a little sense, but it doesn't. It really doesn't. In fact, it feels as if there are large pieces of the script missing- huge leaps of logic in conversations that are cobbled together out of nothing.

Though there's lots of making out and wind machines and techno music and underwear-clad boys and girls, none of it is a turn on at all. No one ever has sex or really does much more than awkwardly kiss and sway back and forth while almost-hugging; it's odd, because you think that sex would be a big selling point of a movie like this. It's not even remotely the softcore movie you're pretty much expecting, but it acts like one. The Sisterhood is...I don't know, eunuchcore or something.

The biggest shock of all, however, is that this film was released in 2004. It feels so damn 1990s, from the music to the hair to the clothes (vests!) to that Melrose Place-esque arm-in-arm stroll out the gates of College University.

I really can't recommend The Sisterhood...or can I? I mean, I was entertained, just not in the way you want from a horror movie. Make of that what you will. The upside to all of this is that Barbara Crampton got a paycheck. Fuck yeah!

Titan Books, the folks behind the superior Crystal Lake Memories, have once again mined surprising ground to bring horror fans a beautiful, exhaustive coffee table tome to savor.

Hammer films were known as much for their beautiful leading ladies as they were for their monsters, and writer Marcus Hearn dives in to give readers a glimpse into the lives of these leading (and supporting) ladies. 50 women get biographical write-ups, exploring their lives before, during, and after their Hammer Studios tenure. What's most fascinating, perhaps, is piecing together a glimpse into the rise and fall of the production company through the stories of their actresses.

Early on, Hammer established themselves as purveyors of sex appeal and horror; the intended victims of Dracula and other assorted monsters were sensual and voluptuous, in stark contrast to their bland, milquetoast Hollywood counterparts. The women of Hammer could be pin-up models, and often they were just that- hired for their curves, not necessarily their talent. Images of these scantily-clad actresses were used to sell films that had yet to be written, and also the focus of promotional materials afterward. In the 1960s, an shot of Raquel Welch on a poster was all audiences needed to get them into the theaters for One Million B.C..

Soon enough, however, audiences grew weary of gothic sex appeal, and Hammer tried to compensate by releasing more explicit material, such as the 1971 sapphic bloodsucking flick Lust for a Vampire. Fickle crowds balked as Hammer's romance gave way to exploitation, with the studios and their actresses paying the price. Some of these women, such as Joanna Lumley (The Satanic Rites of Dracula), would go on to long, notable careers while others had but a brief moment in the spotlight, appearing in one film before retiring to a "civilian" life, as did Lust's Yutte Stensgaard. It's amazing- and wonderful- that Hammer Glamour exists, to give each actress her due.

The text would be interesting enough on its own, but as noted, this is a coffee table book- and what a beauty it is. Hundreds of photographs, from film posters to promo shots to everything in between, adorn the pages in eye-popping color and lush black and white; it's easy to see why the victims were as famous as the monsters.

Hammer Glamour simply belongs on the shelves of anyone who's a horror fan; it goes without saying that Hammer aficionados and anyone with an eye for beautiful women should grab it, too. It's a welcome look at a bygone era- one you'll be desperate to revisit the moment you crack open the cover.

OWN HAMMER GLAMOUR FOR YOUR VERY SELF! Yes, you can...because I've got three copies of this amazing book to giveaway to three amazing readers. All you have to do is send me an email to enter the Positively Glamourous Sweepstakes. How easy is that? Wicked easy, that's how easy.

Send an email with "HAMMER GLAMOUR" in the subject line to stacieponder at gmail.com by 11:59pm PST on Sunday, September 20th. The following day, I'll choose three names at random to receive their own copies of this hardcover beauty for bosom-clutching.

Yes, I love you.

Hey Wisconsinites, I'm talking to YOU! On Sunday, October 4th you should stop cramming cheese in your face long enough to totally head to the Madison Horror Film Festival where they're screening my short film Taste of Flesh, Taste of Fear! It's true.

I'm unable to make it to the festival myself, but I'm so excited about the notion of my movie playing on a big screen that I could just pee. I do so wonder how audiences will react to my magnum Barbie lesbian vampire opus- filmed in fabulous VHS VISION!

Anyway, yeah, you should go. You may also want to go to the festival on Saturday, when they're screening a movie called Re-Animator and conducting a Q & A with some dude named Stuart Gordon. The schedule and deets are here.

Mind you, I would not be in the Madison Horror Festival if I weren't a part of the Viscera Project...so...I don't know. I'm sure there's some sort of lesson in there somewhere. While I try to figure out exactly what that is, you can go listen to The Unrated Hour's recent interview with Viscera/Chainsaw Mafia honcho Shannon Lark. The show starts out with a bunch of weird wrestling-related stuff, so you may feel you're not in the right place, but you are. Eventually they talk to Shannon and more importantly, eventually they talk about me. ME ME ME.

They did not talk about how my kindergarten portrait came to be hanging on the wall of the eerie castle owned the eeeevil vampiress Lady Mortidella, but I suppose there's always next time.

I recently made a short horror film called Ludlow, starring Shannon Lark and Elissa Dowling. I thought I'd share all the boring details about how that came to be, because...you know...sharing is caring and if there's one I thing I do, it's care.

Remember that thing I did called Ghostella's Haunted Tomb? The lezzie horror webseries thingy that had some special guest stars and stuff, and some people kind of got the idea behind the whole thing and some people didn't? Huh? Yeah, well…I don't know what's happening with Ghostella. I haven't yet decided if I want to do a second season or not, or what it'll entail, or…but! This is not meant to be about Ghostella's Haunted Tomb.

Remember Fudgalicious gum? Which was gum, but…you know, it was chocolate? That's either the best or worst idea in the history of ever- kind of like the Spice Girls, or those bowls you can buy that come with a built-in straw for drinking whatever milk is leftover after you've eaten your Fruity Pebbles or whatever. Actually, you know what? Those bowls you can buy that come with a built-in straw are the worst, plain-n-simple. I mean, how effing hard is it to tip the bowl into your mouth if you want to drink the leftovers? There needs to be a straw?

Wait! This is not meant to be about Ghostella or Fudgalicious or stupid inventions or stupid, lazy people. This is meant to be about…umm…what was I...oh yeah! This is all concerning a short film I made last week, which I know you're all peeing your pants in anticipation to hear about. Well, pull up those pants and gather 'round, children, and let me tell you a little tale about a little movie called- and set in- Ludlow.

SHANNON LARK: Wud up, Ludlow??

It all started, I suppose, when my short film Taste of Flesh, Taste of Fear was accepted into the 2008 Viscera Film Festival, sponsored by The Chainsaw Mafia. Taste of Flesh, as I'm sure you're well aware, was the short featured in the very first episode of Ghostella's Haunted Tomb. It's the lesbo vampire short featuring 2 Dollar Store Barbie knockoffs and Posh Spice that's so EROTICALLY CHARGED that it's too hot. Too hot, my lady- you've gotta run for shelter…gotta run for shade! Or something like that.

Oh, Kool and the Gang, you provide the soundtrack for my life.

But really, people, feel the heat. That heat is hot!

SHANNON LARK: Taste of Flesh, Taste of Fear is and was simply pure genius. If a filmmaker can make a great film using barbie dolls, then she's gotta blow you away with live action. And she did! I became obsessed with Top Friends. I showed it to my Mom. I showed it to my dog, and he licked himself. That's a good sign!

But I digress! The point is, the merging of Ghostella and Viscera introduced me to actress, director, Chainsaw Mafia CEO, and Fangoria Spooksmodel extraordinaire Shannon Lark because…well, Viscera is her thang. We met face to face in March during the Paranoia Film Festival; the 2007 Viscera selections were screened, including Heidi "Ghostella" Martinuzzi's Wretched, and a grand old time was had by all. Actually, don't hold me to that- I wasn't conducting exit polls or anything.

Trapped aboard the Queen Mary, Shannon and I spent most of the afternoon in the bar, then moved to a restaurant in the evening. During the course of the many hours we spent together, Shannon let fly that she wanted to be in one of my movies. I was dubious, which speaks more to my insecurity than any insincerity on Shannon's part; however, she proceeded to bust out a napkin and write up a contract stating much the same.

You can tell it's official because of all the lawyer-y language, like "This here contract…" and how she ends some words with "-eth".

SHANNON LARK: I told Stacie a story about how a contract written on a napkin can hold up in court. So I whipped it out* over a margarita in a funny looking glass that gave me stomach cramps. I used all the fancy shmancy jargon I could muster, because I wanted to show I was serious. She looked confused. I was ecstatic, because my evil plan of doing a Film Festival so talented female filmmakers would flock around me and put me in their next productions was actually working out. Besides, Stacie Ponder is amazing.

I jumped at the chance to work with her because she kind of fucking ROCKS. She said she'd be back in Los Angeles in April for Fangoria's Weekend of Horrors to fulfill some of her spooksmodel duties…wouldn't that be the perfect time to shoot something?

Why yes…yes, it would. I went home all pumped and proceeded to freak out almost immediately- writing something…on purpose? For someone? I don't tend to work that way. Like with Ghostella, I just write 'em, pretending no one will ever pay attention. Then I fill the roles. Or even writing here at Final Girl…once I start thinking that someone's going to be reading this besides me, I get all nervous. It's like my brain is nude or something, and it's embarrassing to think that people are looking at it…not that my brain has anything to be ashamed of, because it's 100% pure 36-24-36, if you know what I mean...and I think you do…which is good, because I have no idea what the fuck I'm talking about anymore.

SHANNON LARK: Haha! Stacie is totally nude!! Nude for Satan!

Oh, yeah! I was talking about writing a script for someone. Someone who's going to make a special effort to make a film with me. Ugh, nerve-wracking. Step one was to figure out what the eff I was gonna make this movie about. Actually, step one probably involved some Dunkin' Donuts coffee, or maybe some ice cream. Step two was to figure out what the eff I was gonna make this movie about. More on that to come.

Can I just say that my local grocery store AND my local Target have both discontinued carrying mint chocolate chip ice cream? That really does not fucking compute. It's kind of like the Catholic Church discontinuing God.

Anyway.






*Please note, the only thing "whipped out" was a napkin.

Sorry for the lack of updates around here. I've been busy...umm...busy seeing other websites and...like, stuff. Look, it's not over between us, not by a longshot- I'm in this for the long haul, 'til the end, 'til we go careening off some cyber-cliff together Thelma and Louise style. Yes, that's a little extreme, perhaps, but everything I do is extreme...and we are talking about horror movies here.

Alright, so nothing I do is extreme, unless you count drinking Diet Mountain Dew.

ANYWAY, onto stuff.

The other night I caught Wicked, Wicked, the 1973 flick about a psycho stalking pretty young thangs in a sprawling California hotel (whether or not it was Hotel California, I cannot say). The film is...well, it needs to be seen for two reasons: 1) it's filmed in "Duo-Vision", meaning "split screen". Yes, the entire movie. At times it's interesting, at times it's irritating, at times it's clever...but it's worth checking out for the novelty alone. As we all know, I love a novelty...and 2) it stars white-hot piece Tiffany Bolling (Kingdom of the Spiders) as a lounge singer. An entomologist, a lounge singer...is there anything Tiffany Bolling can't do? No, there's not- and she'll look fly while she does it.

I caught the new Friday the 13th last week, but I'm not allowed to yap about it until Friday, so come on back for my review if you feel like it. Tomorrow my AMC column will feature some interview questions with some F13 peeps, and next week I'll be posting more spoiler-filled interview stuff here.

From the Department of ME ME ME (as if this hasn't all sort of been about me):

- A reminder that voting for Dead Lantern's second annual Splatcademy Awards continues until February 23. If you want to vote for Final Girl in the "best website/blog" category, that's cool. If not, well, I can't say that's cool but I'll try to understand. Of course, I thought we were friends here, but whatever.

- I've got stuff going on over at my website: cartoons, blah blah blah.

- The Chainsaw Mafia, an organization promoting women in horror and headed up by Fangoria "spooksmodel" and actress/filmmaker Shannon Lark, has selected my short film "Taste of Flesh, Taste of Fear" for the 2008 Viscera film series. You may remember it as being featured in the very first episode of Ghostella's Haunted Tomb- yep, my Barbie lesbo vampire movie won a prize. I'm so fucking psyched, you have no idea! I'll keep you updated on any developments...meanwhile, get ready for spring/summer 2009 when the Viscera DVD is released- that means you'll be able to clutch a copy of "Taste of Flesh" to your very own lesbian vampire bosom.

Super cool reader Astrogirl sent me a link to a website promoting the new Wii edition of the zombie shoot-em-up House of the Dead, wherein you can make your very own zombie movie poster. Observe Astrogirl's work!

This gave me a grand idea- GRAND I SAY! Here's the skinny: this week's Awesome Movie Poster Friday will feature everyone's creations- so get on it, chumpy! Make yourself a poster and email me a copy (600 px wide, lo-res PLEASE) at stacieponder at gmail dot com with "ampf" in the subject line by 12:01am Friday, Feb 13. Include your name and a link to your website, if you so desire, then on Friday I'll post 'em all up for everyone to see and you'll be well on your way to fame and glory. No really, I swear.

EDIT: Someone asked if the posters have to be made using the Wii/House site...let's say no, although that was my original intent. Please only submit posters for fictional films, however.

Hooray for everybody!

Over yonder at Ye Olde AMC, my column this week lists 10 horror movies you may not have seen, but you should. I'm pretty sure I've talked about each of them at one time or another here at good ol' FG, but as we all know, I'm nothing if not completely unoriginal. But go take a gander- who knows, maybe something on there will be new to you. Or maybe they're all old news to you, Little Miss Seen It All. Fine, get all uppity about it, why don't you? Go ahead! Put on this t-shirt and tell me to cram my list! I hope it makes you feel big!

In keeping with today's theme, which is "Totally Lists!" I'm going to bust out a meme for which I was tagged by Jason over at Invasion of the B Movies, wherein I'm tasked with listing a movie I like for each letter of the alphabet. I stuck with horror movies (go figure), and it proved to be fairly tough. For some letters- S and C, for example, I had a difficult time narrowing it down from a whole lotta nominees. For some letters, I came up with el zippo (seriously, what up Y? Q? X? Those are untapped markets, people!). In the interests of diversity, I tried- TRIED- to add a few movies I like but I don't necessarily yap about all the time. And let me reiterate: these are simply movies that I like, which doesn't necessarily mean they're any good. I've never claimed to have any taste!

Enough! It's time for less list talking, more list posting. I know you're peeing your pants with excitement.

That's gross, by the way.

A - Alice, Sweet Alice

This is, of course, on the remake block. I don't know...the killer's getup is amongst the creepiest EVARRRRR and I hope it remains. The original also has a nice layer of scuzz to it which I see going bye-bye with An Updatening.

B - I'd like to reserve this space for the as-of-yet-unseen The Boneyard, but in the interests of list-making, I'll have to say Black Christmas. It's just so damn good!

C - Carnival of Souls

This movie has come up at least 50,000 times in the last month, so it's fresh in mah noggin'. Fresh and creepy, just like Uncle Roy.

D - You probably think I'm going to say The Descent here, right?

Damn straight I am!

E - Evil Dead

F - Final Destination 2

I love sooooo many horror movies whose titles start with "F" (you can tell I really mean it because of all those "o"s I used), but in the end I figured I'd go with this little joyride of a movie. I can't wait for part 4.

G - Ghost Story

Why do I have such a soft spot for this movie? It's not that great...plus there's that early scene with the bad superimposed fall featuring Craig Wasson's private no-no parts- you'd think that would be a deal breaker. It's nice that Ghost Story features a beautiful and creepy Alice Krige, though, and not just a creepy and creepy Alice Krige, as modern movies do.

H - House on Sorority Row

Here's another one I like probably more than I should...but then, I have a weakness for movies featuring friends who keep a terrible secret which comes back to bite them in the ass. Hmm...guess that explains Ghost Story, too. Wow, what a fucking revelatory day!

I - Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1978)

From Donald Sutherland's 'stache-n-'fro to Brooke Adams (I heart her!) to that ending, IBS rules. IBS does not rule, however, when it's used as an acronym for Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Not that I've ever suffered from that, but if you have...consult your local librarian for information that may help you. Or something.

J - Jacob's Ladder

Sublime.

K - Killer Workout

I know, I know, I know. Someday, I swear. For now, let's all just click here and get that song stuck in our heads.

L - Let's Scare Jessica to Death

Here's another movie that's been on my mind a lot lately...and not just because my VHS copy used to belong to Tori Spelling! Okay, maybe a little bit that's why.

M - My Bloody Valentine

The 3D remake is imminent. The best part of that sentence is the words "three" and "dee".

N - Night of the Living Dead (1968)

I just love this damn movie.

O - The Orphanage

I'm really digging Spain's output at the moment. This movie was far schmaltzier than I'd anticipated, but that's good. Unless you hate schmaltz. Which might make you a jerk.

P - Pieces

I don't know when, exactly, I became obsessed with Pieces but it happened and I'm just going to embrace it. Basstarrrrrd!

Q - I got nothin' for Q, homies. I did see a horror movie called Quiltface once, but it stunk and I can't justify including it on this list, although in some weird way I just did. I suppose if I'd seen Quarantine, I may have included that. But then I feel the need to include...

R - [REC]

...because it's so damn awesome.

S - Superstition

Wow, I had a hard time choosing for S. Up until I started typing, I'd intended to name Silence of the Lambs...but then, I'm a woman and it's my prerogative to change my mind! I'm also a bad driver and I'm simply terrible at math...but boy, you should see my shoe collection! This uterus is a blessing and a curse, I tells ya.

T - The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974)

Sometimes I think TCM is the perfect horror film. Sometimes I think about how I'd like to have a jetpack.

Those aren't necessarily related, I am just saying.

U - Unsane

Perhaps listing Dario Argento's Tenebre as Unsane is cheating, perhaps not. There's not a lot of U out there, so I do what I have to in order to get RESULTS.

V - The Vampire Lovers

No list of anything is complete without the addition of lesbian vampires. Seriously. Even a list of, say, breakfast cereals! That's right- don't forget "Lesbo Vampire Crunch", which appeared on the market briefly in 1971 before a coalition of angry parents acting "for the sake of the children" got it pulled from shelves. Boxes still turn up on eBay every once in a while.

W - Wrong Turn

Yay inbred cannibals! YAY I SAY!

X - ?

Y - Like I said...?

Z - Zombi

I'm citing this film for many, many reasons, the biggest of which may be that iconic "We are going to eat you!" Conquistador Zombie. When his big grody face appeared on the cover of Fangoria back in the day, it about blew my mind and grossed me so far out the fucking door...plus, this movie features zombie vs shark. Plus..."We are going to eat you!" is so made of awesome it's not even funny. NOT EVEN.

Well, that was fun. Thanks for the tag, Jason!

If anyone's got any suggestions for the letters for which I came up empty...please, let me know what I'm missing. For all I know, the best horror movie in the history of ever may very well start with Q.

There's a particularly cracked-out column by yours truly over at AMC today, talking about...err...imaginary TV shows for horror icons. Or something like that. Read, comment, recommend, read and comment and recommend! If we all band together, I'm sure The Leatherface Show can become a reality. Let's dare to dream, kids!

Providing further proof that he is the man, Arbogast has a wonderful post today suggesting that all you Californians vote A BIG FUCKING FAT NO on Proposition 8 come election time. For those of you not in the know, that's the proposed amendment that would ban gay marriage. I'm not one to blog about politics, but you know...I'm pretty sure gay marriage won't 1) affect or "demean" the marriages of heterosexual couples, and 2) bring about the end of the world...unless, of course, Alucarda is one of the brides. That might very well signal the end of times, but that's got all to do with her Beelzebubbin' ways, not her lesbionics!

Vote NO for the lesbian vampires of the world! Vote NO for the dads in Sleepaway Camp! Vote NO for Michael Myers and Dr Loomis!

Vote NO because it's the right thing to do.