Entries Tagged 'Operation: 101010' ↓

While I could simply launch into my review of The Crazies (2010), I feel the need to clue you all in on the circus that was last night's screening. Apparently it was an event staged for horror press; non-genre journalists attended a regular ol' red carpet screening the night before. Folks like myself (and those from all the major horror outlets) endured an "immersive" affair that began a week or so ago, when we had to call to RSVP for the...quarantine.

Last night our car was stopped at the studio gate by "Army guys" (some in gas masks, all brandishing rifles) who checked our IDs and wanted to know if we'd imbibed any tap water that day. I lied and said no- I'm clearly not to be trusted at the End of Days. We drove deep into the "quarantine zone" past more shouting, flashlight-waving army guys and sheriff's department officers, past humvees and warning signs and flashing lights. After we finally parked, we were herded into a line where it would be determined whether or not we were "infected". Army guys checked my credentials while "doctors" took my temperature (in my ear, thank jebus)...as we were apparently "clean", we were given green wristbands and yelled at some more. Guns were pointed at us as "MOVE MOVE MOVE!" was barked, Crazies on gurneys pleaded for help, other crazies were restrained at gunpoint...it was all very loud and bewildering. Finally we got on a school bus and were driven...not the half-block to the movie theater, but to another location. We were forced off the bus and told to walk single-file...of course, we were heading to the theater, but now we had to walk a greater distance than it was from the parking garage where we started. And it was raining. And there was so much yelling! Despite all the threats, none of the journalists seemed to "hustle".

Finally we got to the fucking theater. Before the movie began there was a "security breach" and Army guys hauled off a Crazy. I wondered why we were sitting in a movie theater when clearly the world was ending and there were people dying right outside. Then the movie began.

Was all of that fun? Sure it was. I probably would have rather just, you know, gone to a screening, but I do enjoy those haunted houses that pop up during October, you know? While the extravaganza didn't influence my opinion of the film, I suppose that's a possibility with some critics so bear that in mind when you read reviews. Shit like this goes on and perks are given to journalists...and while I certainly don't want to accuse anyone or any websites of giving out good reviews solely due to said perks (or the opportunity to be quoted on a poster or ad), I think you should know about the wooing. I mean, I haven't even gotten to the after-party yet.

The small town of Ogden Marsh, IA falls apart quickly after residents suddenly become...homicidally weird. A man locks his family in the house and sets the house on fire. The town drunk brings a shotgun to a high school baseball game. People are just plain jerks.

Some hunters find a dead body out in a marsh; his tangled parachute indicates that he was a pilot, so Sheriff David Dutton (Timothy Olyphant) goes in search of the downed plane. It's found a short time later and Dutton quickly deduces that this water feeds into Ogden Marsh's drinking supply- something from the wreckage could be causing the widespread wackadoo-ness.

Before Dutton or his wife Judy (Radha Mitchell), the town's doctor, can figure out a way to help people or stop the spread, the Army sweeps in. They quickly round up the denizens of Ogden Marsh, executing the infected and quarantining the town. The Duttons, along with a couple of their colleagues, need to get the fuck out of Dodge.

If you're familiar at all with the 1973 film upon which The Crazies is based, you'll see that the plot hasn't much changed. Trixie, a biological weapon developed by the military, is still to blame for the onset of violence. The Army still takes drastic measures to contain the outbreak. What's changed in the 35 years since George Romero's effort is style and approach. While the original film was subtle by no means (so much yelling), the "Crazies" themselves were a bit more insidious than they are in their modern incarnation. The developing illness was a gradual thing, and it was almost impossible to tell who had murderous intent until it was too late. Here, the incubation period is fairly short and there's a physical change to the infected...they get grody. They're also extremely violent, but it's of the 'kill kill' variety; again, if you've seen Romero's film you'll realize that there's a lot of abhorrent violence one can inflict that doesn't simply mean "murder". The Crazies '10 never pushes that boundary, despite plenty of opportunities to do so.

Director Breck Eisner's effort is very solid. It's well-made, it looks terrific, and it's a hell of a lotta fun. There are some very welcome touches of humor, there's plenty of gore and action, the cast makes us care a bit about characters that aren't all that interesting. It's possible that The Crazies would be best seen with a group, so everyone can scream and yell and have those sorts of communal horror experiences. It's that kind of movie. It's also worth noting that the editing, thank Christ, is not of the frenetic variety. Even when the action is at its height, you can see everything and tell what's going on. I wish that approach to horror filmmaking wasn't noteworthy, but these days it is.

The Crazies is also the kind of movie that relies heavily (I can't stress that word enough) on jump scares- enough that it gets a little grating after a while. Music stings and loud noises, one can only take so much, you know? Eisner also goes to the well a few too many times in certain instances, employing the same trick over and over: you know, one of those JUMP SCARE - "It's just me!" moments repeated several times, or "Oh no, the Crazy is gonna kill me oh no oh no oh no PHEW my friend saved me!" executed so often that you quickly realize the protagonists are never going to die.

Overall, would I recommend The Crazies? Yeah. It's a good time. It's not necessarily a thoughtful time- whether that matters to you or not may determine if you drop your 15 bucks on it. If you're looking for a film that's going to provoke discourse (beyond the requisite logic issues that spring up) or tap into, you know, grand themes or give insights into human nature, well, you'd best keep looking. Still, you could do a a lot worse- The Crazies is better than any number of recent theatrical horror releases.

Oh, and Lynn Lowry gets a cameo so it's alright in my book.

So, that after-party...it was a fucking circus. Music, free drinks, free food; various photo opportunities, the option to get your face done up all Crazy-like; a stuntman set himself on fire for our entertainment. Radha Mitchell and Timothy Olyphant were there to work the crowd. Heidi and I spent some time telling them how we would have liked the film to end, and they laughed at our jokes so that's fine. Ms. Mitchell asked if I enjoyed the movie overall, and I told her basically what I told you above. I mentioned the original film, and we had this exchange:

Her: You what scene I missed from the original?
Me: The rape scene?
Her: Exactly!
Me: Right, you don't know your dad's a Crazy until he's, you know, raping you.
Her: They really should have kept that. It was remarkable.

Then I had a cookie, watched the stuntman burn, and left.

EDITED TO ADD: Shock Till You Drop has a photo gallery of the screening madness.

Return of the Living Dead Part II (1988) is a sequel in the same vein as Sam Raimi's Evil Dead II, meaning it's kind of a sequel but it's also kind of a remake. Director Ken Wiederhorn goes so far as to bring back RotLD actors James Karen and Thom Mathews. The character names and occupations are different (here they're grave robbers, not morgue attendants), but their personalities are essentially the same this go-round. When they begin spouting lines from the original film, you may begin to wonder why you're not just watching the original instead.

A drum containing a corpse and a batch of 245-Trioxin falls off an Army truck and ends up in a sewage pipe. A few curious kids poke at the barrel until it cracks; a toxic green cloud rises into the sky, there's a convenient insta-rainstorm, and before you can say "This seems familiar...", the dead are rising from their graves.

A few survivors band together, James Karen and Thom Mathews turn into zombies...why, the only thing missing here is a naked Linnea Quigley. Of course, I say that about most movies- but you know what I mean. Return of the Living Dead II swaps kids for punk rockers, but otherwise...yeah, we've seen this.

And that's kind of okay. If RotLD is 70% horror and 30% humor, RotLD II is the opposite. Everything here is played for laughs, from the zombies to the non-zombies. The zombies look straight outta Thriller, bad wigs and all- an MJ lookalike even busts out some moves at the end. Karen and Mathews are given little to do but scream, whine, and mug, but it's funny. Mind you, I adore James Karen so your mileage may vary.

All in all, it's a pleasant enough diversion, an above-average horror comedy...or rather, comedy horror. Still, I'm not sure why you wouldn't simply watch the original- it's this film minus kids plus Linnea Quigley: math makes Return of the Living Dead the right choice. What are you, a weirdo?

Y'all should know by now that I'm not ashamed to admit I enjoy House on Haunted Hill. I recognize that it's not necessarily good, but that matters not- it's fairly entertaining and I have a fondness for it. It has a special place in my heart...but not a special place in my special place. It's not that good.

Anyawkward, when I sat in on a panel for the sequel Return to House on Haunted Hill at San Diego Comic-Con 400 years ago, I was intrigued by the promised Choose Your Own Adventure-ish-ness of the hi-def straight-to-DVD release. Intrigued in a "Oh. That's...something." kind of way. I knew I wouldn't partake in the hijinks (I'm SDTV, y'all- I know, right?), and I knew that the sequel, largely unnecessary, would probably stink. I can't help it, sometimes I'm just a big old cynical pessimist.

Sometimes!

Sure enough, when the DVD hit, the reactions were much the same as they were with The Unborn: everyone warned me away, telling me it was awful. While this confirmed my suspicions, I couldn't help but feel those old familiar feelings. No one really likes the original much, but I do- maybe that would be the case with the sequel. I would understand it. I would see something special in it that no one else could see. I would have...enjoyment, and it would be enjoyably enjoyable. Yes, all this optimism amidst all my pessimism.

Man, I really gotta quit with this "savior" mentality.

Ariel (Amanda Righetti) is a bigwig magazine editor. She's a no fuss, no muss, no sleep, no man kind of gal- it's hard being a career woman, y'all. Her sister Sara is Ali Larter- well, you know what I mean. The survivor from House on Haunted Hill; yes, somehow she got down off that roof. The siblings don't speak, however, because Sara is convinced that house on haunted hill was more haunted house on regular hill and Ariel won't abide that ghost talk shit. When Sara commits suicide, though...

...there begins a plot thread about some valuable artifact and whatever whatever it's in the asylum-turned-house where all that death occurred. I can't get be bothered to wade deeply into the Tomb Raiderness of it all, frankly, because it's too silly and I'm too lazy. Suffice it to say, a bunch of people needed to get back into the house and this artifact is the reason they go.

Once there...sigh, they get picked off by the resident ghosts. Yes! The nameless characters- let's call them The Nerd, The Hothead, The Lesbo, and The Black One- encounter a bunch of CGI specters and the blood flies.


I guess this is pretty much what happens in the first one, right? So why does this sequel fail while the original (almost) succeeds? Maybe because in the near decade since that original trip to haunted hill, CGI ghosts are so overdone they're, like, Cajun blackened. The whole ghosts have shaky heads thing? Yeah, that's so old I forgot to die (awesome 5th grade insult). Maybe it's because the characters in the first, while not fleshed out, were more fun- hell, the whole movie was more fun. It was a bit camp, even, and the acting was certainly better.

There's also the style of the thing. Director Victor Garcia employs every shitty music video trick here: shaky cam, jump cuts, strobe lights...I'd be surprised if any shot lasts longer than three seconds. ADD filmmaking really needs to bite it.

It's too bad. Maybe I'm being lenient, but the plot isn't completely terrible. I don't mean the Raiders of the Lost Ark shit- I mean the evil doctor/corrupt insane asylum/patient rebellion plot. Cheese and crackers, people, this movie features Jeffrey fucking Combs as an evil doctor and he doesn't even speak! Wait, yes he does- he says "No! No! No!"in the last moments of the film. What a waste. Waste. Waaaaaaste.


Heck, that underlying plot might be dumb as well, but at least it has potential to be watchably so. Look, for all my "I heart 1981" blatherings, I'm well aware that there was some dumb shit cranked out back then, too, but most of it was...different. Fun. That may actually be true, or that may simply be a result of my age at the time- and I won't deny that nostalgia is powerful. Still, I think a film like Return to House on Haunted Hill should be fun first and foremost- that's why the original (almost) succeeds- but the return is not fun at all. And honestly, I doubt the hi-def Choose Your Own Adventure schtick would make it any more so. For fuck's sake, this movie has blood and naked lesbian ghosts and it still isn't any fun. That's like having dough and sauce and cheese and not being able to craft a damn pizza.


A word of warning, though, for the general public: Ariel sets the evil of the house free by throwing the artifact into the sewer. That means the evil is loosed! Loosed so very easily! The point is, Los Angelites, be sure to use a Brita filter before you drink your tap water.

----------------

Return to House on Haunted Hill counts towards Category 3 in Operation: 101010!

Imagine if The Thing (or The Thing from Another World for you purists) took place on a trans-Siberian train, and it starred Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing. Go ahead, imagine it- we'll wait.


Wouldn't that movie be rad? It would, I know. Well, friendo, you're in luck. You don't have to imagine it anymore! You simply have to pop in a copy of Horror Express (1972) and watch your dreams unfold on your TV screen. Life is so sweet sometimes.

Captain's Log, Stardate 1906! In China, Professor Alexander Saxton (Christopher Lee) is exploring a cave in search of fossils when he comes across the mother lode of fossilized old stuff: a frozen ape caveman guy.

Saxton crates it up in preparation for a train trip across Siberia, refusing to let anyone know of his great discovery. Before it's put on board, however, a sneaky thief-type picks open a padlock and tries to get his hands on the goods...he's found dead a few moments later, his eyes turned into something straight outta The Beyond.

The crate, however, is once again sealed up tight...so on board the Horror Express it goes.

Prof. Saxton maintains his silence about the contents of the crate, even when his colleague Dr. Wells (Peter Cushing) shows up asking questions. Not to be thwarted, Wells bribes a baggage man to drill a hole in the crate and take a peek inside. The best part of that plan? The baggage man is the Andorran Marty Feldman himself, the innkeeper from The Witches Mountain!

It may surprise you to learn that his name is not actually The Andorran Marty Feldman. Nope, it's Victor Israel, and he had a rather prolific career (working with everyone from Sergio Leone to Bruno Mattei) before he died this past September at the age of 80. Cheers, Mr. Israel...you'll always be The Andorran Marty Feldman to me.

The baggage man quickly learns that prying open the big mystery box was a mistake. The ice man's eyes glow red which, as you can imagine, is not good for the baggage man. He bleeds, his eyes turn white, and he dies.

The ice man is now on the loose, running (or perhaps shuffling) around the train showing off his red eyes to passengers...much bleeding and eye-whitening and dying ensues. It's all a creepy delight.

Saxton finally admits what was in the crate; the authorities get involved; Wells conducts an autopsy on one of the victims and is startled when he opens up the skull and spies and brain that's gone completely smooth. This can mean only one thing: the monster drains the memories of his victims. While this gives the brain a wrinkle-free, youthful appearance, it's ultimately fatal. Dubious science, you say? Piffle. I'm sure Horror Express is 100% accurate in its scienceology.

Inspector Mirov (Julio Pena) pursues the monster and manages to shoot it in the eye; before the monster dies, however, he ensnares the Inspector in a one-red-eyed stare. This transfers the monster's spirit or soul or essence or whatever into the Inspector himself. The ice man is still on the loose, only now he's disguised as the Inspector.

Dr. Wells performs an autopsy on the monster and is startled yet again: the creature's memories are stored in its eyeball, and dubious science dubious science it's actually an alien! From outer space!

Chase chase, red eyes, crazy priest, white eyes...things get really haywire when Telly Savalas climbs on the Horror Express as Captain Kazan, a man who's going to whip and shoot his way to the bottom of things. Kazan has a delightful Telly Savalas-ian New York accent, despite the fact that he's a Cossack.

So, what will happen to this ancient alien intelligence? Will Professor Saxton satisfy his scientific curiosity at the cost of human lives? Why doesn't Oil of Olay look into these brain-smoothening techniques? Who builds train tracks that lead off a cliff?

Most of these questions will be answered by the time the Horror Express pulls into its last stop, which just so happens to be in Fuckingawesomeville. There are many versions of this film available on DVD, as I believe it's fallen into the public domain. Picture and sound quality are sure to vary, and when you get your hands on a copy it may well be a cruddy transfer. Mine was, but then the DVD only cost $0.79, so who am I to complain? The murky picture didn't diminish my enjoyment of this superior monster movie- I mean, Christopher Lee, Peter Cushing, and an alien that makes people bleed from all of their head holes? That's a good time, if you ask me. Actually, that's a good time even if you don't ask.

----------------
Horror Express counts towards Category 9 in Operation: 101010!

I knew going in that Category 7 of Operation: 101010, movies pulled from my 50-packs, would frequently cause me to find myself swept up in a Category 7 storm of crap. If the Spanish film The Witches Mountain (1972), the first film I'm ticking off that list, is any indication...well, I may have to upgrade it to a Category 10 and call in Nancy McKeon or Randy Quaid or someone else who's portrayed a Stormologist to help me survive.

Now, I'm not gonna lie: the first five minutes of The Witches Mountain are completely awesome and completely insane. As some of the softest soft rock plays, a woman arrives home and finds that someone has plunged a knife through a wig, pinning it to her front lawn. Wanton wig abuse! I was immediately smitten with this movie.

She goes upstairs and spies her cat all bloodied and dead on her bed. A little girl comes in, calls the woman an infidel, admits to the kittycide, then heads to the garage to play with her pet snake (not a euphemism). The woman follows and...promptly SETS THE CHILD ON FIRE. Cue The Witch Chorus Singers (redundant I know, but it sounds better), the opening credits, and a look of What the fuckery? that would remain until it was time to cue the end credits.

Wait, there are no end credits in The Witches Mountain...but I'm getting ahead of myself.

Whenever I set a child on fire, the first thing I want to do afterward is go on a nice vacation with my boyfriend. This mystery woman is no different, so she gets two tickets to one paradise or another and tells Mario (Cihangir Gaffari) to pack a bag. Mario is the very picture of delightful 70s sleaze, from his fluffy proto-mullet to his ambitious moustache to his chest carpet and medallion. He is kind of amazing.

At this point, I would like to remind everyone that a moment ago the woman SET A CHILD ON FIRE.

Perhaps he can sense that she's a nutcake, or perhaps he's just a cad. Whatever the case, Mario declines the offer of a free vacation and calls his boss to ask for a new "photo assignment" starting, like, now.

Mario must be a photographer for the CIA or something, because all we ever find out about his assignment is that he must go take some pictures of some mountains. Where, exactly? Eh, somewhere in the Pyrenees, it looks like. Why, exactly? 'Tis a mystery.

Along the way, Mario stops to take some photographs of a woman out sunbathing. The two begin talking and the woman, Delia (Patty Shepard) agrees to accompany Mario on his trip. This makes total sense. I mean, who wouldn't drive for hours deep into the middle of nowhere with a total stranger? It's not like anyone knows where she's going, so no one's going to bitch that it's a bad idea.

Anyway, they end up at a hotel run by Andorra's own answer to Marty Feldman. He is kind of amazing.

Thus begins our slog through the excruciating middle 65 minutes of The Witches Mountain. People talk, people sleep. Mario takes some pictures. Delia sleepwalks. They encounter a mysterious goat herder. They walk around. They say everything twice to the Marty Feldman innkeeper because he's deaf. Delia says she sees a face in the window in her room, but as usual, the picture is too dark for me to see anything.


At one point, Mario and Delia are out taking pictures- well, Mario is talking pictures...Delia just sort of stands there- and someone drives off in their Jeep. They run after it and find it abandoned far down the road, outside of some little village that appears abandoned. It turns out that one house is occupied by a little old witchy-looking woman who claims she knows nothing of the Jeep thievery and she's totally the only person around.

Hey, remember when that woman set that kid on fire? Me too.

Mario and Delia invite themselves to stay with the old woman. Lest the sounds of The Witch Chorus Singers (they're back) lead you to think something is actually going to happen...well, don't get your hopes up because we're still ensconced in the 65-minute negative zone. They talk, they sleep, the old woman makes a big cauldron of something or other, Delia sleepwalks, Mario goes out and takes pictures. He stays out too long and after the sun goes down, the eeeevil fog rolls in. He gets lost, but spots some robed figures carrying torches and singing; yes, I think we've found The Witch Chorus Singers' Secret Hideout.

The next morning, Mario makes his way back to the old woman's house. He busts out his portable picture developing kit and...develops his pictures, anxious to see those robed figures again. The pictures of them are blank- however, random women appear in other photographs despite the fact that Mario did not see them and what's even more eerie, there's a photo of Mario and Delia that they did not take. Then some women drag the old woman out of her humble abode.

Finally, some GD action and stuff in this movie! Mario and Delia follow. They end up at the spot where The Witch Chorus Singers were hanging out...then they leave. Then Mario goes back. Then Mario finds some blood on a rock. Then I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that The Witches Mountain will probably never make any sense.

Now, I'm going to sum up the rest of the film using this series of rapid fire questions my roommate asked me when it was over. My answers are in parenthesis:

• So, they grab her...and she wears a bridal gown? (yes)
• Then she's in a dungeon? (y-yes)
• And there's...a hairy, oily guy in there? (umm...)
• And the witches are dancing? (It's like a failed musical.)
  
• Then someone hits him over the head? The lead guy. (I think so.)
• Then the girl he likes runs away? (yeah)
• And he chases her. (yes)
• And she runs off a cliff. (that was awesome!)
• So he sets the village on fire. (It looked like it...)
  
• Then all the witches are at his house. (I guess so.)

THE END, no credits.

The Witches Mountain leaves one with oh so many questions. What's the deal with the witches? And the bridal veil? And the dungeon? And the guy in the dungeon? And...why? And what the fuck is the thing that one of the witches is holding at the end? Seriously, your guess is as good as mine: I see a door hinge and a Zuni Fetish Doll.

AND WHAT ABOUT THE WOMAN WHO SET A CHILD ON FIRE? Well, she was there at the very end, but that doesn't explain anything. Oh, Witches Mountain, thou art verily a place of mystery.

This movie is so, so bad. So bad. Bad. Bad movie. If it consisted solely of the first and last 5-minute portions, though, I'd be sitting on a 50-pack of gold! The Witch Chorus Singers are purely and simply awesome, and they need to be heard by all. How you can achieve this without sitting through the film, I don't know. It may not be possible, but it may be worth the risk.

Nah, that's not true. The Witches Mountain may be a bad movie that's just plain bad. That's so hard for me to say, especially because of all the wig violence and singing and Mario's moustache. Siiigh.

...Daybreakers!


As I've mentioned before, I'm not one to get all goo goo over vampires- particularly the ones that are more "sexy" than "monstrous". I mean, I have zippo interest in True Blood. I'm not one to get all goo goo over Ethan Hawke, either, so why did I actually pay to see Daybreakers in a theatre?

Well, I didn't- my mom did, as she treated me during an afternoon out whilst I was home on vacation. Maybe it's because I wasn't expecting much from the film, maybe it's because I like ruminating on the "what about...?"s of horror (what about when zombies run out of people to eat? what about when vampires run out of blood? what about NOT bringing Jason back to life, so he'll stay the fuck dead?), but I was surprised to find I enjoyed it.

Yes, this is a future world in which vampirism has taken over- it spread throughout the populace like the Black Plague or Pac-Man Fever- and the world's blood supply is almost dried up. Hawke stars as Edward Dalton, a scientist charged with finding a solution to this food shortage problem; if the vampires go too long without feeding, they'll devolve from pale-but-pretty to leathery-and-scary. Quelle horreur!

Actually, the animalistic vampires featured are pretty damn scary and I wish there'd been lots more of them. I suppose, however, this isn't a people vs. scary vampires movie; rather, it's more non-jerk vampires vs. jerk vampires with a dash of scary vampires thrown in.

Overall, Daybreakers stylish and violent- and it probably takes itself a bit too seriously, but it's rather nice to see a horror movie in the multiplex that takes itself seriously at all, so I can't complain. Why, I would've been happy even if I had to pay for my own ticket!


wud up, category #8 in Operation: 101010?

I want to make out with Mario Bava's Black Sabbath. I want Black Sabbath to like me in that sort of desperate way, the way you feel when you're smitten with someone who's so much cooler than you are, someone who's prettier and has an accent and manages to command a room by simply walking into it. Mmm, Black Sabbath. I tre volti della paura. The Three Faces of Fear. Whatever you call it, this 1963 movie has style and atmosphere and it's an anthology and yes, an accent...so what's not to love? Nothin', that's what! There, now that that's settled...

Bava does away with any attempt at a typical lame framing narrative by simply having star Boris Karloff stand in front of a candy-colored screen and let us know that...well, that we're going to watch a movie. It will be a journey into the supernatural, we'll be scared, etc etc. It's all rather trippy and mood-setting, but it's a bit of a bummer that Karloff's wonderful voice is dubbed over in Italian. Still, it's good that we don't waste any time before getting down to business.

Preceding Black Christmas, When a Stranger Calls, Scream, and all the other great terror-on- the-telephone flicks, this segment features Rosy (Michele Mercier), a young woman who comes home one fine evening and immediately receives a series of threatening phone calls.

As the calls coincide with the prison escape of her violent ex-boyfriend, she's rightfully anxious about the whole "You're gonna die tonight!" thing. To ease her mind, Rosy calls Mary (Lidia Alfonsi) and asks her to come over. It turns out that Mary is another of Rosy's exes, and she may also have nefarious plans for Mary...

Mua ha ha! There are several twists and turns in The Telephone, and it all zips by like one of those summer breezes that makes you feel fine. There's a minimal amount of dialogue, the action is confined to a single set, and it's pure tension barfed up on screen. We all know that tension is best when it's barfed up, so it goes without saying that The Telephone is a success. Before the premise overstays its welcome, we're whisked away to the magical land of...


A family, living way out in the woodsy middle of nowhere, awaits the return of their patriarch Gorca (Boris Karloff), anxious that he may have succumbed to the curse of the wurdulak, a type of vampire who craves the blood of its loved ones. When Gorca finally arrives (bearing the head of an eeeevil cursed Turk), it's difficult for everyone to discern whether or not he's been transformed...what's not difficult to discern, however, is that Gorca alarmingly resembles something a cat would cough up.

So begins a long night of waiting and suspecting- who, if anyone, has become a wurdulak? Wouldn't you like to be a wurdulak, too? Again, Bava employs minimal yap yap; there are lengthy passages, silent save for a constant wind, throughout the segment that create a feeling of creeping dread. When these periods of quiet are broken by the sound of a dog howling or, even more frighteningly, the pleas of a child thought dead, the effect is startling.

Bava truly captures the feel of a gothic fairytale in The Wurdulak; the colors and the artifice of the sets (interspersed with real outdoor locations) make it play out like a Hammer film by way of Dario Argento. The pace may be slow, but the visuals are scrumptious. It's tempting to simply post the entire segment frame by frame, but that would perhaps imply some sort of mania on my behalf, so here are a mere few of my favorites.





The first two stories in Black Sabbath may leave you riding high, but it only gets better: Bava saves the best for last.

A nurse is called to the home of a recently-deceased countess; the body needs to be dressed and the resident housekeeper is way too skeezed out to do it. And who can blame her? If I walked into that bedroom and was confronted by this visage:

...I'd probably just go squat in a corner and cry.

It seems that the reclusive countess was heavy into séances and the like, trying for whatever reason to make contact with the spirit world. The local populace believes that it was this tinkering with ghosts that killed her, not the reported heart attack.

Nursie doesn't buy into the mumbo jumbo and quickly does her duty, pausing only to swipe a ring off the corpse's finger. As you may have guessed, this is a big karmic no-no. The countess doesn't look kindly on this from her perch in the afterlife, and the nurse (who I kept pretending was actually somehow Diana Scarwid) soon learns that pre-grave robbing is not a good idea. In a word*, The Drop of Water is hair-raisingly creepy, outright terrifying, and more than worth your ticket price to Black Sabbath.

In a bizarre, brief, 4th wall-breaking outro, Karloff lets us know that he hopes we enjoyed our journey into the supernatural. Yes, Boris, I truly did. Black Sabbath is a true Creep Show, all old school storytelling and oodles of atmosphere. I like it so very much...I just hope it likes me back.



*may be more than one word

By the way, I'm counting this film towards Category 1 in Operation: 101010!


Film Club Coolies, y'all!
--------------------------------
Nilbog Milk
Moving Pictures - Haiku Film Reviews
The United Provinces of Ivanlandia
Banned in Queensland
In One Ear...
namtab
The House of Sparrows
Things That Don't Suck
United Monkee
Film Shuffle
firthofforth
emma blackwood
Mother Firefly's Faster Pussycats!
Mondo Bizarro
RJ Battles

A new year, a whole new you! That's what the advertisements have been saying, anyway, and I believe them because they told me it's true. In keeping with the fresh start of a brand new year, I've decided to join a gym give up drinking stop kicking puppies give up midget porn have a year-long event at Final Girl. You know what that means- it starts with "excite" and ends with "ment"...yes, it's SOMETHING TO ANTICIPATE! Whee!

Now, a few folks 'round The Internet (notably the fine folkery at Hammer and Beyond and Mermaid Heather) undertook a Herculean task last year called the 999 Challenge. The goal was to choose 9 categories, then watch 9 movies in each category during 2009. A swell idea, and a good way to getcherself watching a shit ton of movies.

Because I am unoriginal, I have decided to partake in this challenge myself this year. However, since we booted 2009 to the curb and thus find ourselves soaking in 2010, I'm taking it upon myself to up the ante: 10 categories, 10 movies within each, finished by the end of '10. Not only is this more appropriate to the year at hand, but the "101010" in "101010 Challenge" looks like binary code, which is neat (but it isn't, which is sad). Also, this somehow ties into and satisfies my fetish for the AM radio station 1010 WINS, out of NYC (all news, all the time!). Don't ask me what that's about, because I'm not entirely sure. The best I can figure, there's something about the fake newsroom/news ticker that's constantly playing in the background that tickles me.

ANYWAY.

I've chosen my 10 categories. Read on to find out how this shit is gonna get all interactive, which is very futuristic and 2010-y.

1) 10 Italian horror movies - from giallo to gut-munching zombies, it's all fair game.

2) 10 black & white/classic horror movies - otherwise, I'll keep putting 'em off as they don't usually fit with Final Girl's "mission statement", though that's changed considerably since I launched this site.

3) 10 sequels - if you don't know what a sequel is, then you should go look it up.

4) 10 Asian horror movies - did you know that there's more to Asian horror cinema than ghost girls with long, wet hair? It's true! Or so they say...I guess we'll find out together.

5) 10 lesbian vampire movies - because every time you watch a lesbian vampire movie, an angel gets its wings...or so my gym teacher always told me.

6) 10 comic strip reviews - it doesn't matter what the movie is, but the reviews with be done all comic strip style, like so.

7) 10 movies pulled from my 50-packs - I've got several of those cheap 50-packs, so this will help me crank through 'em a bit. Chances are, the movies will be pure crap, but that is the risk I take as a horror blogger, where life is lived on the edge.

8) 10 horror movies viewed in a theater - this will undoubtedly be the toughest category to complete, for I am a bitter, misanthropic recluse who rarely opens the curtains, never mind actually leaves the house.

9) 10 monster movies - same deal as with category #2.

10) 10 movies chosen by YOU - In the comments, recommend a movie for me to watch. From all the titles submitted, I'll choose 10 to satisfy this hungry, hungry category. I only ask that PLEASE, check my review list before suggesting a film; every time you nominate something I've already reviewed, an angel gets punched in the face.

There you go, homeslices, the categories for the 101010 Challenge. Wait, I like this name better: OPERATION: 101010. As I noted, it sounds vaguely binary...the addition of "operation" makes it seem as if I'll be parachuting into the jungle to watch these movies. While wearing a headband.

And brandishing an AK-47.

And singing "When Will I See You Again" by The Three Degrees.

Ooooh, precious moments....

EDITED TO ADD: Though this may be foolhardy, I'm going to put movies in one category only. For example, if I watch Onibaba, I wouldn't count that towards Asian AND black & white. Only one or the other. So there.