Entries Tagged 'bloggenaires' ↓

Bloggenaire: Tim Grant, Post-Mortem Depression

To be honest with you, Mr. Tim Grant of Post-Mortem Depression doesn't blog enough for my liking...and I say that because I enjoy his blog. It's like being all into a bag of M&Ms and then you discover there are only 6 M&Ms in the bag.

Oh, and don't tell anybody, but I think this guy is A Gay!

PS- How have I existed for so long and I've never seen Tentacles? Truly, one of life's mysteries.

1) What's the key moment that led you to click that "Start Your Blog" button?

As an insecure narcissist under the enduring delusion that tens of people out there might care what I have to say, I simply couldn't avoid that button any longer.

Also, I thought it would be interesting to try to link the subtext of horror films from my formative years with my own psychological development as a gay man. Nobody else was doing it ... and based on the miniscule number of eyeballs my blog gets, it's probable nobody else is reading it either.

But that's okay. My mother still loves me.

But she doesn't read my blog either.

2) Please describe your blog in no more than 3 sentences. You must include the words / phrases "morbid", "aesthetic", and "electromagnetic".

Using a darkly-comic aesthetic, my blog attempts to bridge the gap between two seemingly disconnected and deeply personal aspects of myself -- my morbid fascination with horror films and my psychological development as a gay man.

Though the subject matter is deeply personal, I try to make it entertaining in the hope that at least one other person might find it interesting (judging from my one comment ... exactly one person has ... thank you "thenotoriouslez"). I hope one day to be as pithy and prolific as the electromagnetic Stacie Ponder a.k.a. Final Girl.

3) Bearing in mind that opinions are subjective (except mine because I'm always right), do you enjoy movies that are generally considered "bad"? Why or why not?

I adore bad movies and subject my friends semi-regularly to bad movie nights. For me to consider a film "good-bad," it is crucial that the film isn't campy by design. Artistically earnest incompetence is always more charming than someone just trying to make a buck with a funny title or wink-wink concept. I will take the 1980s musical The Apple over Attack of the Killer Tomatoes any day. No inference should be drawn from the fact that both movies reference fruit in their titles.

My favorite bad movie of all time is the Exorcist II. For bad movie night, I made my friends wear synchronizers made out of cardboard on their head and drink every time the name "Pazuzu" was mentioned. Is that weird? They don't really talk to me anymore.

4) Did you know that there exists one variety of carnivorous parrot? It's true. They live in the mountains of New Zealand, and they eat the fat surrounding the kidneys of sheep- WHILE THE SHEEP ARE ALIVE. It's horrible.

Where you see horror, I see opportunity. We could train them to eat human cellulite instead! We'd be millionaires! What could go wrong?

5) What's the one- ONE- horror movie you love so much you want to stick it down your pants?

The first Friday the 13th. As I discuss in my latest blog entry (plug success!), I love the subtext of the sexually repressed, smothering 1950s mother reacting violently to the sexual freedoms of a new generation.

I also love how the victims never (not once!) use their arms in even the mildest, most lizard-brainish attempt at self-defense. Mrs. V is about to axe you in the face in the bathroom? Just keep your hands in your pockets, close your eyes and stick out your face! Mrs. V is stalking you through the open woods wielding a nasty Bowie knife? Just back yourself up to the closest tree and lift your chin so she can get a good slice across the neck.

I love that one aspect so much that I might just marry it. 



6) Adrienne Barbeau. Discuss.

I like to call her Billy .... everyone does.

7) Why should people bother to read your blog?

Really, they shouldn't. It's completely solipsistic and appeals to the narrowest sliver of the population possible ... those who are interested in gay-centered psychology and trashy horror films. It's almost like I went out of my way to create something nobody would want to read.

Or maybe I'm using reverse psychology. Maybe I just know your readers are a group of iconoclasts and rebels. Maybe I know they are thinking right now --"Nobody's gonna tell me I shouldn't read that blog!!!!" To that I say ... don't let the man keep you down (even if that man is me and I'm cleverly misdirecting you). You have free will -- use it! Click on my blog right now at http://postmortemdepression.blogspot.com. Make comments! Add it to your Google Reader! That'll show me!

8) Where does Jigsaw get all the money he needs to build all those traps and buy all that warehouse space? Better yet, does he have some sort of engineering background? He must, right, if he designs all that crap?

He was a Netscape secretary from the internet boom years? He outsources the torture device design to Halliburton? OK, I got nothin'.

9) Several theories regarding the reasons why people would subject themselves to watching horror films (when they're so, you know, traumatic) exist. Which is closest in line with your feelings on and reactions to the genre? Feel free to elaborate. Or don't, see if I care.

a) RELIEF THEORY: The unpleasant feelings of distress cause more stimulating feelings of relief when the unpleasantness passes- the stressed arousal caused by fear becomes pleasurable arousal later on.

b) CONTINUOUS REWARD: The excitement felt during the film is the appeal in and of itself.

c) SOCIAL THEORIES:

1) Stereotypical gender roles are reinforced: men act as protectors, women need protection.
2) Violating social norms- watching "deviant" entertainment- is exciting.

3) Experiencing heightened emotions with others makes us feel like we "belong" and we're truly part of a group.

I think all of these are valid reasons (with the exception of c1 which I will get to), but I also think there is one more: I'll call my PSYCHOLOGICAL PROJECTION THEORY (I'm keeping with your all caps style to make my theory look equally valid, so there!).

I think that horror movies are metaphors for our own individual psyches. The final girl is the every person - a little repressed, hesitant, insecure. She is our avatar into the shadowlands of our own psyches which are populated with scary echoes of our past -- angry punishing moms like Mrs. Voorhees, creepy pedophiles like Freddy Krueger -- and/or representatives of our own darkest primal impulses -- like the pure wordless infantile rage of Jason Voorhees.

Through the final girl, we are given a way to experience the terror of the "scary place where the bad thing happened" inside of us in a way that is safe, communal, and fun.

In terms of c1 (“Stereotypical gender roles are reinforced: men act as protectors, women need protection.”), I believe, as Carol Clover does, that the opposite is true. Mens' machismo is rarely rewarded in horror movies. The female almost always survives and does so based on her own abilities.

Does Ginny get any help from Paul in F13 Pt 2? What about Sally in TCM? Jerry, Kirk and Franklin ride the saw early on. But, Sally is beaten with hammers, cut, used as a human sippy cup for Grandpa, and forced to jump through two plate glass windows. But she keeps going and survives. The women are shown to be stronger in the end.


10) Which year produced better horror movies: 1977 or 1981? Why?

Tough one. I'd have to go with 1977. Suspiria and The Hills Have Eyes are classics -- still disturbing after all these years. 1977 also has some of my favorite bad films, including Exorcist II, and the double-whammy of Jaws rip-offs -- Orca and Tentacles. I think any year that has a killer octopus movie starring Shelley Winters should just be declared the best year that ever was.

1981 is close. I didn't like Friday the 13th Part 2 when it first came out, because I loved me some Mama Voorhees and didn't like the "Jason is really alive" thing. But now that Jason has been around for three decades, I can look back on it with fondness. Ginny is a kick ass final girl. The guy in the wheelchair is all kinds of cute. Halloween 2 has also grown on me, too.

But no killer octopus. No Shelley Winters. 1977 wins.

11) What the eff is up with those French and their crazy horror flicks?

Two words -- Jerry Lewis. It explains everything.

12) What's your favorite Animals Run Amok movie?

Toss up between Food of the Gods and Squirm. I guess I have to give the edge to Squirm, since "Wormface" has become the official mascot of "Post Mortem Depression".

13) If Jason Voorhees is on a train heading east at 80mph and Leatherface is on a train heading west at 65mph…why the hell would anyone ever watch Rob Zombie's Halloween?

The answer to your question is 15.

14) What are your funereal wishes?

Someone stands up in the middle of the ceremony, points out my murderer and declares "It was you!", then presents the murder weapon -- an empty bottle of lye -- as evidence of her treachery.

15) Why do I have such a fondness for Shelley Hack? It's not like she's really done much to deserve it, but there it is.

Do you also have a similar fondness for Jenilee Harrison, cousin Cindy Snow of Three's Company? Just looking for patterns.

16) You're on a sinking ghost ship that's being piloted by a witch. What are your last words?

The horror …. the … horror …

17) Asking about your funereal wishes and your last words means nothing, I swear.
Why? I didn't swear at you.

18) Do you know where I can get some lye?

Wait ... a ... minute....

19) Weren't you glad when THAT JERK in THAT HORROR MOVIE got what was coming to him?

THAT HORROR MOVIE was a little slow for me and I found THAT JERK's performance to be thoroughly unconvincing. However, when THAT DOUCHEBAG got whacked in THAT OTHER HORROR MOVIE, I was tingly in the places where my underpants should have been.

20) Overall, what’s your favorite era of horror films?

Late Seventies and early Eighties.

21) Would you rather be:

1) a vampire

2) a witch/warlock
3) a werewolf
4) a Frankenstein (and yes, I know technically it’s “Frankenstein’s monster” but “a Frankenstein” sounds better)

5) a Jaws


A warlock. I always wanted to be Uncle Arthur. I got the Uncle Arthur gay, but not the Uncle Arthur magical powers. I feel a little cheated.

22) If you could turn back time- if you could find a way- would you take back those words that hurt me, so I’d stay?

Every single one ... except that one word ... you know the one I'm talking about ... and you know why... don't play dumb ...

23) What's something you want people to know about you or your blog that I didn't ask?

Reading Post Mortem Depression will make you a better person. More attractive people will want to have sex with you more often simply because you read this blog.

Okay, well that's not exactly true. In fact it's a big fat lie.

The truth is my blog is just a little lonely. Sure it's not as pretty as some of the other blogs, but it's got personality. It's got a good heart.

OK, fine. It'll put out and won't get all clingy and drunk dial for days after you visit.

Buy a blog a drink?

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Big thanks to Tim. Stay tuned for another exciting episode of...THE BLOGGENAIRES!

Bloggenaire: Iloz Zoc, Zombo’s Closet of Horror

Today's Bloggenaire is the venerable Mr. JM Cozzoli, better known as the mummirific Iloz Zoc. Not only does he run his own house...err, Closet of Horror, he also heads up the League of Tana Tea Drinkers, an assembly of some of horror's finest bloggers. If you don't want a Twinkie when this is over, you're simply not human. Oh, and this dude can talk, so you'd best listen! Or read. Or whatever. Get off my back!

1) What's the key moment that led you to click that "Start Your Blog" button?

The moment came when I woke up fifty and realized I’d not written the great American horror novel yet. How could I dust off the old gray cells and reconnect with my significant monstrous other? The moment sparked when I cut myself shaving as I realized I’d been a long-time fan of horror and wasn’t sharing the love while ill-mannered jerks in forums were giving real horror fans a black eye. The moment flared when I thought I’d ignored horror long enough, after a long dry spell, because I’d been disenchanted with the direction the terror onscreen had taken, seemingly helmed by ill-tutored sops who really needed to go back to the basics to up their quality and technique in the basics of movie-making.

The moment I pressed the button down hard was when I realized I could relive the joy of my youth by watching Universal’s classics while experiencing the wonderful new wave of screamscreen frights all in one little old blog space, and connect (or disconnect) with horror fans along the journey.

2) Please describe your blog in no more than 3 sentences. You must include the words / phrases "morbid", "aesthetic", and "electromagnetic".

Zombos’ Closet of Horror is an electromagnetically transmogrified blog of existential proportions that attracts the morbidly aesthetic fan of differentially diagnosed horror. It’s where the cultured horrorheads go for silly, poignant, and slightly-skewed reviews and commentary on the genre people love to fear.

3) Bearing in mind that opinions are subjective (except mine because I'm always right), do you enjoy movies that are generally considered "bad"? Why or why not?

While one can argue that “bad” is a subjective quality, I’ll counter with the measurability factor of bad scripting, bad acting, bad production, and bad stuff like that versus what’s considered reasonably good. So keeping this in mind, there are many many bad movies out there; however, some are so creatively bad, they’re fun to watch. They actually entertain through all their badness, and that’s an important measure that can actually extend beyond mere subjectivity to the movie audience’s experience.

For instance, Plan 9 From Outer Space is such a movie. It’s fun, vibrantly outrageous and irreverent, and cheeky monkey in its assumptions of misplaced logic and cheapness that most audiences can’t help but love the inanity. Now take Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, a movie at the opposite spectrum, and one that’s so bad it’s depressing to watch. A joyless cheapfest with no redeeming value: how can an inherently happy movie—with Santa Claus and kids and Christmas, for Christ sakes—be boring, plodding, and cheerless? The film saps the holiday spirit from you instead of imparting it. It’s a bad movie many will not enjoy, especially if they paid to see it.

So yes, I enjoy many bad movies that are fun in spite of themselves (lord Spookies comes to mind, too, here), but I also will vilify many bad movies; those that think I’m a nitwit (along with their audience) and ignore the basics of adequate writing, basic directing, and clean—albeit cheap—production. Too many cult and exploitation movies, as well as straight to DVD and theater-released films, cop out of quality production by labeling themselves as such as if these monikers were excuses to be bad.

4) Did you know that there exists one variety of carnivorous parrot? It's true. They live in the mountains of New Zealand, and they eat the fat surrounding the kidneys of sheep- WHILE THE SHEEP ARE ALIVE. It's horrible.

You mean the Kea in New Zealand, sure. Hey, didn’t the children’s pirate Captain Gar have a carnivorous parrot called Pete? I don’t think he liked mutton, though. Oh, and I recall Magic: The Gathering having a carnivorous death-parrot, too, but he’d sooner pluck out your eyes and shish kabob them than eat your kidney fat.

I’m amazed we haven’t seen a horror movie on zombie flesh-eating parrots yet, pecking for brains and kidney fat. We’ve got zombie-everything-else.

5) What's the one- ONE- horror movie you love so much you want to stick it down your pants?

Well, this is a tough one. Had you asked me what’s the one movie I’d like to stick down somebody else’s pants, well then, I’d have said Uzumaki. That’s one spiraling tale of insane, other-worldly terror I’d share with anybody. The dizzying camera-technique alone is a joy to watch. And since you didn’t specify shorts, jeans, or slick slacks, I’ll assume you mean my everyday pants. Suit pants get the special treatment, especially if they’re pin-striped, but I’ll go with everyday pants (good old Hemingway khakis for me). So the movie I’d stick down my everyday khakis would be A Chinese Ghost Story: a tale that blends ghosts, hopeless romance, unavoidable heroism, and demon-hunter mayhem in a poignant blend of green tea terror-filled special effects and humorous nuance.

6) Adrienne Barbeau. Discuss.

A Hershey bar with almonds, a Twinkie drenched in maple syrup, a moon pie with maple-flavored cream, Cap’n Crunch cereal with strawberry milk; what more can I say, she’s one of the sweetest actors to grace a horror flick. She’s the body every fan (mostly male, but some female, too) dreams of holding, and she’s got the chops to back it up in every role she plays. Who didn’t fall in love with her in Escape From New York?

7) Why should people bother to read your blog?

Look, it’s tough enough to write the damn thing on a lamely consistent basis; if I had to worry about getting people to actually read it I’d never get anything written. Okay, at least it’s spam free and I don’t have those mutating, rotating, popping, expanding, and flashing banner ads getting in the way like those more commercial horror sites. Isn’t that a good enough reason?

8) Where does Jigsaw get all the money he needs to build all those traps and buy all that warehouse space? Better yet, does he have some sort of engineering background? He must, right, if he designs all that crap?

Obviously he shops at Walmart and takes the "save money, kill better" motto to heart. I’d bet he’s got a deal with Costco, too. Those meats they get are too cheap to come from cows. So you can say he’s a smart shopper just trying to pass along the savings and savvy buying wisdom he’s picked up along the way to slicing and dicing his victims. As for his engineering skills, I bet he did it by mail. I took a locksmithing course by correspondence once. Which is probably why I’m not working as a locksmith, but hey, I learned how to pick locks, so that’s cool. And doesn’t Phoenix University have a distance learning course on ACME torture devices and their fiendish construction on a shoestring? Either that or he got some student interns from MIT. They love stuff like that, and making those chunky robots that clobber each other.

9) Several theories regarding the reasons why people would subject themselves to watching horror films (when they're so, you know, traumatic) exist. Which is closest in line with your feelings on and reactions to the genre? Feel free to elaborate. Or don't, see if I care.

a) RELIEF THEORY: The unpleasant feelings of distress cause more stimulating feelings of relief when the unpleasantness passes- the stressed arousal caused by fear becomes pleasurable arousal later on.
b) CONTINUOUS REWARD: The excitement felt during the film is the appeal in and of itself.
c) SOCIAL THEORIES:
1) Stereotypical gender roles are reinforced: men act as protectors, women need protection.
2) Violating social norms- watching "deviant" entertainment- is exciting.
3) Experiencing heightened emotions with others makes us feel like we "belong" and we're truly part of a group.

My Masters was in Forensic Psychology, so I can safely say I don’t agree too much with any of these cognitive/sociological theories. First, and let’s face it, many people do not like horror films and avoid them. Horror onscreen makes them uncomfortable because it’s potty-dirty kind of stuff, not fit for intellectual-minded persons who derive spiritual nourishment from French subtitles. There is no stimulation or motivation for them to see terror onscreen, so they wouldn’t be seen dead in a theater showing a horror movie.

Other people see horror films to experience the thrill of survival. How many stupid victims ever survive by accident? None. It’s the skill and determination, shown by smart victims, that keeps them living longer in a horror movie. This survival against the odds reinforces the belief that the smarter you act the safer you will be. This is reassuring to those viewers, and they root for the smart people in horror movies to survive. They WANT them to survive, so there is an emotional attachment that is very important for them.

Now, there are various other forces at work, including some of those sociological aspects. The group effect, seen during Saw movies, where small groups of friends experience a right of passage watching torture horror, is something fairly new. Can I keep my eyes open while victims get turned inside out and popped like a cork? Who will blink first in the group? Will we all blink and have a good laugh at blinking? Boy, am I glad I’m not that dumb son of a bitch who just got twisted into a pretzel. I’m not sure what the goal is here; there is a catharsis, but I’m just not sure what the overall motivation is. Not yet anyway. Maybe this is something horror bloggers should explore. I’m sure though it is not as simple as Relief Theory makes it out to be.

10) Which year produced better horror movies: 1977 or 1981? Why?

1981 without a doubt in my mind. You had a nice balance between schlock and more serious horror. With super movies like The Funhouse, American Werewolf In London, The Evil Dead, and Escape From New York, how could you go wrong? There was a much better vibe in ’81 for pushing the horror envelope.

11) What the eff is up with those French and their crazy horror flicks?

It must be a cultural thing: if you had a big population stuck in the boondocks with nothing but animals for company you’d be doing a lot of movies with bestiality in them, too, or terrorizing the city-dwelling neighbors up for the weekend for kicks and giggles.

12) What's your favorite Animals Run Amok movie?

Tough call here. If you’re including creepy-crawlies, Squirm and Them! (okay, really big ants here), are high on my list. For straightforward “oh crap we’re screwed” mayhem, The Birds is probably my number one favorite. Hitchcock takes birds and makes them weapons of the apocalypse, sent by God to clear out the natives. Plot simple, effect inescapably horrific because of its simple plausibility (our feathered friends, all around us, are pissed off big time: KFC staffers, you’re first to go).

13) If Jason Voorhees is on a train heading east at 80mph and Leatherface is on a train heading west at 65mph…why the hell would anyone ever watch Rob Zombie's Halloween?

You see, here’s the missing operand: you forgot to include the snack car. Everybody makes this same mistake when doing this problem. Now, I’ve seen it done with the booze car, and boy, that does throw in some interestingly obtuse angles, but it’s the snack car that keeps the kids happy and occupied on long trips. Now, assuming we’ve added the snack car, no one in hell would bother seeing a Rob Zombie Halloween movie. Here’s why: the parents are happy the snacks keep the kids quiet, and the kids are happy the parents are not bitching about them not having any snacks—and that’s what this whole question is really asking about: not actual sidereal planetary travel time, but snack time, which operates on a minute by minute, not hour by hour, temporal incremental.

So if Jason Voorhees is heading east at 80 miles per hour, and Leatherface is going west around 65 miles per hour (assuming he’s not stopping in the snack car for a Twinkie and Coke or boozing it up in the booze car), no one will care to watch Rob Zombie at all. Only unhappy parents and starving kids, the type of people Rob Zombie always shows in his films, would go to see his kind of downer, white trash home kind of movie. We’ve eliminated unhappiness by keeping the damn snack car open. Snacks = Happiness, therefore, happy snack-eating people = 0 Rob Zombie movies watched.

Now, of course, if Leatherface kills the snack car operator after he eats his Twinkie, thereby forcing closure of the snack car, Rob Zombie movies geometrically increase in popularity. But that’s another problem. For us.

14) What are your funereal wishes?

I’ll worry about that when I’m dead.

15) Why do I have such a fondness for Shelley Hack? It's not like she's really done much to deserve it, but there it is.

Hey, I charge by the hour for therapy.

16) You're on a sinking ghost ship that's being piloted by a witch. What are your last words?

“Is it too late to switch to that Carnival Cruise to Bermuda?”

17) Asking about your funereal wishes and your last words means nothing, I swear.

My ideal tombstone message? “He ate Twinkies and watched the Three Stooges. And he loved horror movies, too, so don’t look behind you.”

18) Do you know where I can get some lye?

Fighting some really crude answer here…fighting…fighting…damn, lost it…you mean a good lye? Fighting…fighting…okay, I’m back…No. Ever since Red Devil Lye stopped supplying, I don’t know where you can purchase lye. Is this a trick question, or a line from a movie? My god I don’t know everything! I feel so insignificant now. So helpless…

19) Weren't you glad when THAT JERK in THAT HORROR MOVIE got what was coming to him?

Actually, I hate jerks in horror movies. They’re no fun. You just know they’ll get whumped bad because jerks in horror movies always get whumped. So, no, I’m never happy when jerks in horror movies get what’s coming to them. It kills the suspense.

20) Overall, what’s your favorite era of horror films?

The Universal Studios Horror movies will always be my favorites. Yeah, I’m old, but they keep me young. Those movies captured an era of terror that, while mild measured by today’s movies, still showed heart and professionalism, even when A production moved to B-movie status. What’s more, those movies, when they came out, were held in high esteem by the audience, too.

They also pushed me into horror for good.

21) Would you rather be:

1) a vampire
2) a witch/warlock
3) a werewolf
4) a Frankenstein (and yes, I know technically it’s “Frankenstein’s monster” but “a Frankenstein” sounds better)
5) a Jaws

A vampire for sure. I had this fantasy when I was a kid, garnered from reading way too many Creepy and Eerie magazines, of being a vampire who could fly around, have super strength, change into other creatures, and live forever, or close to it. And date Vampirella. Now if I could fly and live forever as a warlock, maybe I’d go for that, too, but only if I could date Vampirella.

22) If you could turn back time- if you could find a way- would you take back those words that hurt me, so I’d stay?

What, you left?

23) What's something you want people to know about you or your blog that I didn't ask?

Q: Will you ever get off your duff and write that great American horror novel?
A: Workin’ it (and no, I don’t mean my duff)

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Big thanks to Iloz Zoc. Stay tuned for another exciting episode of...THE BLOGGENAIRES!

Bloggenaire: Max Cheney Considine, The Drunken Severed Head

Ugh. My dear dudes, dudettes, and 'tweeners, I know I've been remiss in posting these Bloggenaires. I have no excuse. None! I won't even pretend to have one, although I'm tempted to make something up about...I don't know. Something about wigs. Mehhh, I got nothin', so it's best to get the Bloggenaire ball rolling again with the winner of the 8th Annual Rondo Award for Best Blog, Max the Drunken Severed Head of...The Drunken Severed Head! Don't ask how he types.

1) What's the key moment that led you to click that "Start Your Blog" button?

I can't remember the exact moment, but several things came together. I was a co-moderator at a Yahoo group called the Universal Monster Army, and was having a blast talking about old horror movies, monster movie toys and memorabilia, weird news, and generally cracking wise. Also, I had started doing interviews to share at the UMA-- with folks like Ted Newsom, creator of the "100 Years of Horror" series. And everyone was starting a blog. So I thought I could too, and jumped on the bandwagon. And why not? I like both music and being driven!

2) Please describe your blog in no more than 3 sentences. You must include the words / phrases "morbid", "aesthetic", and "electromagnetic".

My blog is viewed through electromagnetic impulses that create a picture on a monitor, sending out waves that soften and numb the brain. This anesthetic aesthetic both lessens and enhances the morbid aspects of my posts, much as vermouth cuts and sweetens the gin in a martini.

3) Bearing in mind that opinions are subjective (except mine because I'm always right), do you enjoy movies that are generally considered "bad"? Why or why not?

Well, horror, sci-fi, and fantasy films were long considered junk movies. Many of my favorite flickers have had someone say they're "bad." (Yes, I said "flickers"-- I love me that alliteration, no matter how outta date I gotta be!)

I've enjoyed LOTS of bad movies, where ineptness in writing, cheap production values, and bad acting provides unintended, but socko entertainment! Just as long as the pace is quick enough to compensate for those deficiencies. I just don't admire bad movies for their shortcomings. I'm perverse, but not THAT perverse.

A slow-paced well-made film is one thing, but a draggy badly-acted cheapo is another. Longueurs in a Cocteau film can add to the experience, but the same doesn't apply to Ed Wood. But I can say that playing Bela Lugosi in a stage production of Glen or Glenda, as I did over a decade ago, was one of the most fun things I've ever done.

My favorites include Horrors of Spider Island, Teenagers From Outer Space, Devil Girl From Mars, and many Bert I. Gordon movies.

4) Did you know that there exists one variety of carnivorous parrot? It's true. They live in the mountains of New Zealand, and they eat the fat surrounding the kidneys of sheep- WHILE THE SHEEP ARE ALIVE. It's horrible.

If they're political sheep, I want to see this!

No, but seriously--this doesn't surprise me. Nature isn't always benign. I once saw a raven carry off a small rabbit, then eat it alive on the roof of a neighbor's house. It was traumatizing.

Gimme monsters ripping up bad actors instead! Although I do have a pet snake which eats live minnows, and my wife raises venus flytraps, so a bit of the bitch side of dear Mother Nature is on view at our house.

5) What's the one- ONE- horror movie you love so much you want to stick it down your pants?

THE TINGLER! (I can't believe someone hasn't beaten me to that gag before!) Actually, as a severed head, I never wear pants. I have been seen with undies on my head, but that's another story.

Oh, I suppose Bride of Frankenstein. Yeah, I know it's a cliched answer among historians and devotees of really old horror movies, but as a little kid sneaking out of bed to watch on a late-night creature feature, I was blown away by it, and forever marked by it. I was very spooked by the scene of the Monster appearing in the flooded pit and killing a man, and later by the scenes with Pretorious in the mausoleum. I was also moved by the tragedies that befall the Monster, and shocked by the explosion at the end. (Oh great, I spoiled it for ya.) I don't watch it often, but when I do, its effects on me are undiluted by time. But The Orphanage, Alien, and Black Sunday would all stand up to many repeat viewings. And it's nice to stick Barbara Steele down one's pants.

6) Adrienne Barbeau. Discuss.

She will forever be the crabby daughter on the Maude sitcom and the bitch in Creepshow to me. I can't accept her in Swamp Thing-- too nice.

I wish she'd played a nightgown-wearing bisexual vampire just once in her career, though.

7) Why should people bother to read your blog?

See answer #2 above.

And to appreciate your blog all the more. (Wink, wink.)

8) Where does Jigsaw get all the money he needs to build all those traps and buy all that warehouse space? Better yet, does he have some sort of engineering background? He must, right, if he designs all that crap?

I think he must be a character who escaped from a Bond film. 007 and his adversaries all seem to be rich, and geniuses with gadgets.

9) Several theories regarding the reasons why people would subject themselves to watching horror films (when they're so, you know, traumatic) exist. Which is closest in line with your feelings on and reactions to the genre? Feel free to elaborate. Or don't, see if I care.

a) RELIEF THEORY: The unpleasant feelings of distress cause more stimulating feelings of relief when the unpleasantness passes- the stressed arousal caused by fear becomes pleasurable arousal later on.
b) CONTINUOUS REWARD: The excitement felt during the film is the appeal in and of itself.
c) SOCIAL THEORIES:
1) Stereotypical gender roles are reinforced: men act as protectors, women need protection.
2) Violating social norms- watching "deviant" entertainment- is exciting.
3) Experiencing heightened emotions with others makes us feel like we "belong" and we're truly part of a group.

As someone who actually has a degree in sociology, I ought to be able to bullshit a great answer. But I'll stick with instincts and experiences and say a) and b) of the psychological theories and # 2 of the social theories are the most valid, and overlap. They can be simultaneously true-- distress being one aspect of the excitement in the "continuous reward" explanation. It's akin to the sensations of taste-- sweet being edged with bitter, and one flavor in one food providing "relief" to the sensation of another food.

Say, I just used another "taste" metaphor, like I did in answer #2. I wonder what Freud would say...

10) Which year produced better horror movies: 1977 or 1981? Why?

Except for the the totally whacked-out The Sentinel, and Suspiria, there isn't one horror film from 1977 that I ever want to see again. 1981 produced these rewatchables: An American Werewolf in London, The Howling, Dead and Buried, and Scanners, plus some interesting sci-fi films.

11) What the eff is up with those French and their crazy horror flicks?

Hard for me to say. Don't know how to put myself in their place, because I can't speak through my nose. But they gave us Diabolique, Eyes Without a Face, Cocteau's Beauty and the Beast, and Gance's I Accuse, so they must be as smart as they think they are.

12) What's your favorite Animals Run Amok movie?

Well, it sure ain't The Muppets Take Manhattan. Or Frogs, which has the slowest attacks on people ever filmed. Not Willard, because it spawned Ben, which foisted that awful Michael Jackson song off on us. Maybe Kingdom of the Spiders, just for the scene where a woman is so freaked by seeing a tarantula on her hand that she impulsively shoots her hand off with a gun. Or possibly Night of the Lepus, just 'cause it's got giant bunny rabbits.

Hmmm. This is a toughie. I saw Food of the Gods at a drive-in a coupla years ago, and LOVED it. But Them! is an intelligent, handsomely-made film about giant ants gone amok, and do you realize how unlikely THAT is? So I guess it's a tie between Food of the Gods for the camp value (a giant killer chicken!), and Them! for being the best all around animal attack movie.

13) If Jason Voorhees is on a train heading east at 80mph and Leatherface is on a train heading west at 65mph…why the hell would anyone ever watch Rob Zombie's Halloween?

As the masochist said when asked why she hung around her bad-tempered boyfriend, "Beats me!"

14) What are your funereal wishes?

I wish to never need to have a funeral, but in case I can't roll out the back door when Death comes looking for me, I guess I'd like to have a shindig for my friends that's a cross between a New Orleans-style funeral and a Halloween party. A fun-eral, if you will. With a big screen video message from me from beyond the grave, mwah ha ha ha!

You're invited.

15) Why do I have such a fondness for Shelley Hack? It's not like she's really done much to deserve it, but there it is.

Because in a past life, you WERE Shelley Hack. Yeah, I know, she's still alive, but don't bother me with details.

16) You're on a sinking ghost ship that's being piloted by a witch. What are your last words?

Boo to you, too! And abra cadav-- glub!...hic!...glub...glub...

17) Asking about your funereal wishes and your last words means nothing, I swear.

Now I'm worried. I'm thinking of that final scene in Psycho where Norman Bates is thinking to himself in his mother's voice, "I'm not even going to swat that fly. I hope they are watching... they'll see. They'll see and they'll know, and they'll say, "Why, she wouldn't even harm a fly..."

18) Do you know where I can get some lye?

I don't. And that's no lie. (Oh, ain't I a SCREAM? Don't answer that.)

Don't use lye. Carpet beetles are much efficient and thorough at removing flesh.

19) Weren't you glad when THAT JERK in THAT HORROR MOVIE got what was coming to him?

YEAH! He deserved it! Always bein' a smart ass! Making puns! Pretending to be something he's not!

20) Overall, what’s your favorite era of horror films?

I guess it's a tie between American films from the 1930s and films from the rest of the world in the 1960s.

21) Would you rather be:

1) a vampire
2) a witch/warlock
3) a werewolf
4) a Frankenstein (and yes, I know technically it’s “Frankenstein’s monster” but “a Frankenstein” sounds better)
5) a Jaws

Why don't you offer a Boogey man as a choice?

Okay, don't look at me like that. I'll play. I guess I most wish to be a were-Frankenstein, cause once a month I'd really like to scare people as the character I most enjoyed being on Halloween, as a kid.

But I'd settle for being a warlock for the merchandising opportunities. Man, I could clean up with the Harry Potter craze! (Yeah, I know vampires are also hot, but who the hell really wants a mouthful full of blood just to get young women all emo?)

22) If you could turn back time- if you could find a way- would you take back those words that hurt me, so I’d stay?

Of course, darling. You're my final girl.

You're always kind to me--you amuse me so much, and so often--how could I have said such things?!

Please come back--and BRING BACK MY BODY!

23) What's something you want people to know about you or your blog that I didn't ask?

It won't cause a sudden loss of vision-- anymore-- or an erection lasting more than four hours, and it's low calorie! It has some cool interviews and art, features a poem I wrote about Boris Karloff that impressed Pierre Fournier of Frankensteinia, and was complimented by Cool Ass Cinema as being like the old Famous Monsters magazine, but for adults. Those last two are distinctions I'm especially proud of.

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Big thanks to Max. Stay tuned for another exciting episode of...THE BLOGGENAIRES!

Bloggenaire: Emily Intravia, Deadly Doll’s House…

...of Horror Nonsense! If long blog titles are any indication of quality, then Emily's blog is the knees. Of course, there's no correlation between the length of a blog title and the merit of the posts. Still, The Deadly Doll's House of Horror Nonsense is the shit.


1) What's the key moment that led you to click that "Start Your Blog" button?

When dining with a dear/dearly honest friend who pointed out that I'd spent most of our first round of margaritas talking about horror movies and perhaps I should do something more productive, like write about them (presumably to be read by other nerdy film fans and not her).

2) Please describe your blog in no more than 3 sentences. You must include the words / phrases "morbid", "aesthetic", and "electromagnetic".

The Deadly Doll's House offers reviews of often morbid(ly) unwatched (and often unwatchable) movies that are typically less aesthetic(ally) pleasing than your middle school lunch lady. Often it's electromagnetic and stuff gets burned. Then Nicolas Cage starts to shout and things get messy.

3) Bearing in mind that opinions are subjective (except mine because I'm always right), do you enjoy movies that are generally considered "bad"? Why or why not?

I've often referred to myself as a film snob with bad taste because yes, I love a film just can't get it right. At the same time, "bad" is often a misused adjective. Killer Klowns From Outer Space is wacky and offbeat, but it totally succeeds at its goal. The Wicker Man remake, on the other hand, is an insane mess of epic proportions and highly offensive at that, but I'll take it with a jar of honey any day over something like Howard's End.

4) Did you know that there exists one variety of carnivorous parrot? It's true. They live in the mountains of New Zealand, and they eat the fat surrounding the kidneys of sheep- WHILE THE SHEEP ARE ALIVE. It's horrible.

And amazing. Also the subject of David Cronenberg’s next project, except the parrots have sex with the fat and the sheep kind of enjoy it.

5) What's the one- ONE- horror movie you love so much you want to stick it down your pants?

Dawn of the Dead, but then I’d get zombified in a most uncomfortable manner. Killer Klowns From Outer Space, but I don't want clowns (or klowns) anywhere near my special parts. Child's Play, but we know Chucky is fertile and I don't want to carry his seed, even if it turns out to be as adorable as Glen or Glenda. Safest pants pick? The Wicker Man. And THAT's the ONE.


6) Adrienne Barbeau. Discuss.

I had this weird jadedness about her as a child because for some reason, my mother DESPISED the woman. Same thing happened with my father and John Landis. Hence, I grew up thinking both were evil, eeeeviiiiiiiiiil until I finally started watching their work and realized otherwise.

That was the day I knew I was a woman.

7) Why should people bother to read your blog?

'Cause it's a much better way to waste time than some Facebook game about farm animals. And where else can you learn lessons from such classic films as Santa Claws, Rawhead Rex, and Death Bed: The Bed That Eats? Also, I like phake cyber phriendship so I always reply to any comments left on my posts. Love me. Please.

8) Where does Jigsaw get all the money he needs to build all those traps and buy all that warehouse space? Better yet, does he have some sort of engineering background? He must, right, if he designs all that crap?

Voiceover work.

Actually I think it's slightly explained in Part V, aka the Saw Film That Advances One Plot Point and Otherwise Is Notable For a Guy Getting Squished Inside a Wall. He was big on investing and stuff. Or something. In Part VI, his wife is living it up in a luxury apartment and I don't think methadone clinic doctors make big bucks, so maybe Jigsaw's dummies hit it big in an alternate universe and he gets Tickle-Me-Billy residuals. Or more likely, he invented the Snuggie.

9) Several theories regarding the reasons why people would subject themselves to watching horror films (when they're so, you know, traumatic) exist. Which is closest in line with your feelings on and reactions to the genre? Feel free to elaborate. Or don't, see if I care.

a) RELIEF THEORY: The unpleasant feelings of distress cause more stimulating feelings of relief when the unpleasantness passes- the stressed arousal caused by fear becomes pleasurable arousal later on.
b) CONTINUOUS REWARD: The excitement felt during the film is the appeal in and of itself.
c) SOCIAL THEORIES:
1) Stereotypical gender roles are reinforced: men act as protectors, women need protection.
2) Violating social norms- watching "deviant" entertainment- is exciting.
3) Experiencing heightened emotions with others makes us feel like we "belong" and we're truly part of a group.

Perhaps b, providing we're talking about 'scary' horror films. I do still get extremely excited when I discover, at this souring age, a new film that makes me jump. Then I squeal. Later, it's immensely rewarding and enjoyable to discuss why something like Kairo gave me nightmares or what made The Descent cause me to sleep with a night light on for the first time in years. With a few random exceptions--say, the moving documentary Young@Heart or Up--I haven't really FELT anything watching a non-genre film with nearly the same intensity as a genre film, whether it's simple discomfort from the creepiness of Tourist Trap or all-out glee from something like the martial arts cannibal masterpiece, We're Going to Eat You. You just don't get that talking about Revolutionary Road or The English Patient.

10) Which year produced better horror movies: 1977 or 1981? Why?

In 1981, I was brewing inside my mother's womb which seems to mean something important. Sure, '77 had Suspiria, but ’81 had Bloody Birthday and THE best death-by-dodgeball scene of all time in a little classic called Fear No Evil.

11) What the eff is up with those French and their crazy horror flicks?

There was a time when the guillotine was a hotter ticket than Hannah Montana and hey, these are the same people who pioneered the Grand Guignol. But today? Who knows. While I've seen all the recent hits, I'm not familiar with exactly when those crazy kids got killing. I'm guessing a film or two hit big and, being so close and French, other filmmakers instantly caught on and a new dynasty was born. Plus, my stereotypical knowledge leads me to say they start drinking at a really young age, so the bitterness must start early.

12) What's your favorite Animals Run Amok movie?

They're all beyond amazing, but for nostalgia's sake, I'll say Empire of the Ants. Joan Collins gets chased by giant---well, sometimes giant, sometimes the size of a mini schnauzer--radioactivated killer ants trying to lull mankind into servitude to its queen. Awful, wonderful, and all things great.

13) If Jason Voorhees is on a train heading east at 80mph and Leatherface is on a train heading west at 65mph…why the hell would anyone ever watch Rob Zombie's Halloween?

Two words: Brad. Dourif.

14) What are your funereal wishes?

My body will be MIA, as one of the only things I genuinely believe in when it comes to life is organ donation. As for the rest, I'm hoping what doesn't make the cut is crammed into a lava lamp which will then illuminate an ice cream shop, where my friends and family can remember the good times while eating hot fudge. Also, there will be karaoke.


15) Why do I have such a fondness for Shelley Hack? It's not like she's really done much to deserve it, but there it is.

Some people believe in the idea of cinematic soulmates and perhaps you've simply found yours. Embrace it and start mailing her chocolate covered strawberries and photoshopped pictures of you two posed like Laverne & Shirley or Bert & Ernie.

16) You're on a sinking ghost ship that's being piloted by a witch. What are your last words?

"You can't fire me, I quit!" Just cause I've always wanted to say that and it would be my last chance.

17) Asking about your funereal wishes and your last words means nothing, I swear.

And I swear you're now in my will to sing "I Believe I Can Fly" at my wake. Backup vocals provided by Michael Jordan.

18) Do you know where I can get some lye?

Dolly Parton's Dollywood in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee (in soap form). There you will also find Zagnut bars, religious themed t-shirts with such clever puns as "Jesus Died For MySpace In Heaven," and quaint charm.

19) Weren't you glad when THAT JERK in THAT HORROR MOVIE got what was coming to him?

Only if he wasn't the most entertaining character in THAT MOVIE (RIP that dude in The Final Destination).

20) Overall, what’s your favorite era of horror films?

My natural comfort zone remains the '80s, simply because that's my basis of cinematic history. The more I explore other eras, however, the more I come to appreciate each for its own merits. At the moment, I'm discovering an incredible world of 1970s cinema that goes beyond zombies or sharks. Hail Satan!

21) Would you rather be:

1) a vampire
2) a witch/warlock
3) a werewolf
4) a Frankenstein (and yes, I know technically it’s “Frankenstein’s monster” but “a Frankenstein” sounds better)
5) a Jaws

Werewolves never seem to enjoy themselves, as they're still burdened with that whole 27 days of the month as a human thing. I'm not a night person, so vampire is out. Frankie's got issues and can't get a date, and witches are apparently really bad boat captains. So I'll be A Jaws swimming in witchy waters. Plus I love seafood, and I imagine A Jaws gets to eat a lot of shrimp.

22) If you could turn back time- if you could find a way- would you take back those words that hurt me, so I’d stay?

If I could turn back time I'd make it my priority to release a stink bomb on the set of the It's Alive remake. Then we'll talk.

23) What's something you want people to know about you or your blog that I didn't ask?

It's free.

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Big thanks to Emily. Stay tuned for anther exciting episode of...THE BLOGGENAIRES!

Bloggenaire: The Mike, From Midnight, With Love

I was wrong: I always thought there was more than one Mike. I was right: I always knew Midnight really cared! So right it's wrong: From Midnight, With Love.


1) What's the key moment that led you to click that "Start Your Blog" button?

It started off as a New Year's Resolution. I'd written for a friend's site years earlier, but grew absolutely sick of the critical aspect of it all – I mean, I like movies, I don't want to degrade them. So, when I decided I wanted to write again, I wanted to start things back up on my terms and talk about something I really loved. It's taken a while to get back in the swing and keep myself going, but I think I'm near achieving that goal.

2) Please describe your blog in no more than 3 sentences. You must include the words / phrases "morbid", "aesthetic", and "electromagnetic".

From Midnight, With Love started with no desire to worship the morbid, nor did it intend to praise some cinematic aesthetic that exists in the minds of the cinephile. What I wanted to do was find that electromagnetic balance between the my personality and the horror and sci-fi films I love. And I don't think electromagnetic really describes my goal, but you asked for it.

3) Bearing in mind that opinions are subjective (except mine because I'm always right), do you enjoy movies that are generally considered "bad"? Why or why not?

I absolutely do. For starters, a large percent of movies the majority call bad are simply not meeting their expectation of what is standard. I look at a movie like Greg McLean's Wolf Creek that I found to be a fascinating bit of torture (an opinion a majority of critics shared), and remember that I only saw it AFTER I'd heard many people I know in the real world proclaim it “the worst movie I've ever seen.”

On the flipside, there are the movies that are considered bad and that are actually bad, like anything produced by the SyFy Network. And they're just fun to watch. (Of course, there's a big difference between studio produced bad (i.e. - Dark Castle Entertainment) that are bad bad and the indie/low-budget stuff that's good bad. The latter's more worthy of forgiveness.

4) Did you know that there exists one variety of carnivorous parrot? It's true. They live in the mountains of New Zealand, and they eat the fat surrounding the kidneys of sheep- WHILE THE SHEEP ARE ALIVE. It's horrible.

No, I didn't. That's why I follow horror bloggers like yourself, so I can continue to hone my knowledge of things most would never consider.

5) What's the one- ONE- horror movie you love so much you want to stick it down your pants?

Halloween.

6) Adrienne Barbeau. Discuss.

Yes ma'am, I like them.


7) Why should people bother to read your blog?

Because, when I'm not struggling to form a coherent sentence, I'm trying my hardest to proudly speak out on behalf of a lot of content that most people don't give a chance. I've seen a lot of great stuff that I found through others' recommendations, and I want to help others find that same enjoyment too.

8) Where does Jigsaw get all the money he needs to build all those traps and buy all that warehouse space? Better yet, does he have some sort of engineering background? He must, right, if he designs all that crap?

My favorite theory about this is that, when he was a child, Jigsaw invented both the board game Mousetrap and lived in a scrapyard. Oh, and probably was molested.

9) Several theories regarding the reasons why people would subject themselves to watching horror films (when they're so, you know, traumatic) exist. Which is closest in line with your feelings on and reactions to the genre? Feel free to elaborate. Or don't, see if I care.

a) RELIEF THEORY: The unpleasant feelings of distress cause more stimulating feelings of relief when the unpleasantness passes- the stressed arousal caused by fear becomes pleasurable arousal later on.
b) CONTINUOUS REWARD: The excitement felt during the film is the appeal in and of itself.
c) SOCIAL THEORIES:
1) Stereotypical gender roles are reinforced: men act as protectors, women need protection.
2) Violating social norms- watching "deviant" entertainment- is exciting.
3) Experiencing heightened emotions with others makes us feel like we "belong" and we're truly part of a group.

If I had to pick one of the above, I'm probably closest to a mixture of A and B. Yeah, that's not one of the above, but it's my choice. Anyway, I'm a big fan of the thrill that horror films can produce, but as he unpleasantness passes the intrigue of the forces at work remains for me, producing an incredible wonder.

10) Which year produced better horror movies: 1977 or 1981? Why?

1981, on the strength of Evil Dead, An American Werewolf in London, and Happy Birthday to Me (relevant because it was in theaters while I was born).

11) What the eff is up with those French and their crazy horror flicks?

Ever since a college Film class that spent half of its time on Hitchcock, whom I love, and half of its time on the French New wave, which made me want to die, I've declared not to consider the French. Next question.

12) What's your favorite Animals Run Amok movie?

It's too easy of an answer, but I've got to pick The Birds. If we're going completely b-movie crazy, I'll pick the easy answer there too, Day of the Animals. In fact, these answers are too simple I'm sad. So let's move on.

13) If Jason Voorhees is on a train heading east at 80mph and Leatherface is on a train heading west at 65mph…why the hell would anyone ever watch Rob Zombie's Halloween?

For me it was because I'm a Halloween whore. I mean, I own multiple copies of each of the first FOUR Halloween films. THAT kind of whore. Now that I've seen it (twice, in the interest of full disclosure), I'm shamed. Like, Sylvia Ganush shamed.

14) What are your funereal wishes?

I'd like it if someone, if not everyone, wore a gorilla costume. And sang Whitesnake's "Here I Go Again".

15) Why do I have such a fondness for Shelley Hack? It's not like she's really done much to deserve it, but there it is.

I'm not sure, but she's in Time After Time, so I'm down with it.

16) You're on a sinking ghost ship that's being piloted by a witch. What are your last words?

“They always said she knew the way to Sail-em!” (And I'm terribly sorry for that pun.)

17) Asking about your funereal wishes and your last words means nothing, I swear.

Good to know. Gorilla suits and witches don't mesh well.

18) Do you know where I can get some lye?

I can only be so clever in a day. And right now I've got nothing. Get back to me tomorrow.

Doesn't Spider-Man realize he's proving J. Jonah Jameson right by turning to a life of crime?

19) Weren't you glad when THAT JERK in THAT HORROR MOVIE got what was coming to him?

Well...yeah, I was. I never liked Gregory Peck anyway.

20) Overall, what’s your favorite era of horror films?

The 1970s, easily. I'd probably put 4 from the decade among my top 10 horrors, including the top 2. Horror of the '70s seemed to focus on not only the supernatural, but on the divide between good and pure evil, and that's always been the most interesting part of horror to me.

21) Would you rather be:

1) a vampire
2) a witch/warlock
3) a werewolf
4) a Frankenstein (and yes, I know technically it’s “Frankenstein’s monster” but “a Frankenstein” sounds better)
5) a Jaws

Well, I'm a big Frankenstein fan, but I'd get sick of lynch mobs. One is funny, but after a while they're repressive. I don't like to swim, so Jaws is out. If I say vampire, Twilight will come up, so that's out. Being a witch/warlock would be fun, especially if it's possible to switch between genders, but it's against my religion. So werewolf it is. I can live with that.

22) If you could turn back time- if you could find a way- would you take back those words that hurt me, so I’d stay?

As long as I don't step on any butterflies.

23) What's something you want people to know about you or your blog that I didn't ask?

We're small (“we” being me), but we're mighty. FMWL might not fulfill everyone's desires, but I'm doing everything I can to shed some light on some hidden treasures, and I'd be honored if any of you would like to come along for the ride. (Also, if I say “totally” about a movie or call something in it “awesome”, I really mean it. If I say “totally awesome”, that's a magical conjunction.)

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Big thanks to The Mike. Stay tuned for anther exciting episode of...THE BLOGGENAIRES!

Bloggenaire: Casey Criswell, Cinema Fromage

Cinema Fromage's motto is "We watch crap so you don't have to." While I admire their altruism, at the end of the day they don't actually prevent me from watching crap...therefore, I'm still in the midst of, say, The fucking Cavern before I know what's going on. What's up with that, Casey? You need to help me, because I clearly cannot help myself.

Gnnnnahh I hate The Cavern SO MUCH.


1) What's the key moment that led you to click that "Start Your Blog" button?

I sat for years saying ‘I want to be a writer!’ followed by ‘I don’t know what to write’. Eventually it dawned on me that all of my friends were generally dismayed and astounded by my love of bad horror movies, or you could say ‘Cheesy Movies’. I’m fairly thick-skulled, so it took awhile to sink in. Eventually, I happened across an article on writing that preached ‘write what you know’. I’m not a film expert by any means, I went to college for music and computers, but I did love a lot of bad horror films. So then I pressed start and Cinema Fromage was born.

2) Please describe your blog in no more than 3 sentences. You must include the words / phrases "morbid", "aesthetic", and "electromagnetic".

Warning: Cinema Fromage contains a morbid fascination with cheese as presented with the aesthetic of year-old mold. Beware of the electromagnetic pull as the words pour into your brain; they have been known to induce seizures on the weak minded. Should you find yourself sweating as you comprehend the sheer amount of b-cinema this one man partakes on any given day, please consult your local physician as soon as possible.

3) Bearing in mind that opinions are subjective (except mine because I'm always right), do you enjoy movies that are generally considered "bad"? Why or why not?

Most definitely. First of all, I am a firm believer that it is possible to find something to enjoy in any movie out there. It may only be something as minute as ‘that makeup scar on that one zombie was really cool’, but you find it if you want to bad enough. Beyond that, as much as I want to consider myself a blogger, film critic or whatever, watching movies should be first and foremost fun, and when you’re having a good laugh? It’s always fun!

4) Did you know that there exists one variety of carnivorous parrot? It's true. They live in the mountains of New Zealand, and they eat the fat surrounding the kidneys of sheep- WHILE THE SHEEP ARE ALIVE. It's horrible.

I did not know that. It makes me a bit scared to visit New Zealand though. I’m a bit on the hairy side and might easily be mistaken for a woolly sheep by a near-sighted Cannibal Parrot. I’ve uh…got a lot of fat around my kidneys too.

Is there a horror fan Kane Hodder hasn't choked? If he chokes them all, who will be left to sign an internet petition to get him back as Jason?

5) What's the one- ONE- horror movie you love so much you want to stick it down your pants?

Something Wicked This Way Comes! It’s all about Jonathon Pryce and that beard! Er…it’s a good movie too. But really, everything about that movie is the embodiment of lying in bed late at night when you were 10 years old imagining you heard something moving around outside on a fall night. That’s good stuff folks.

6) Adrienne Barbeau. Discuss.

Hubba. Hubba. Adrienne’s the original ass kicking leading lady! When Adrienne came along, your scream queens were no longer running about topless and hiding in the worst possible spots when being chased by a masked killer. No, she stood up, kicked ass and took names!

And for the cool aside; I met Adrienne at Horror Hound Weekend last year in Indianapolis. Despite the long lines, crowds wanting to take her picture, etc. she was still a sweetheart and very nice. Beyond that, she noticed my 8-year-old daughter standing with me. She took the time to walk out from behind the table, kneel down to my daughter’s level, and a have a full blown conversation about her time doing voices for Scooby Doo on Zombie Island. Adrienne Barbeau? She’s all class.

7) Why should people bother to read your blog?

By god, if I’m going to take the time to type it up there, the least you could do is take the time to read it. But not really.

As I said before, I’m no expert on the finer points of film, but I know what I like. I aim to provide a look at movies from the view of everybody else out there reading instead of a high strung and lofty word using film school critic. Nothing against them at all, but sometimes people need to know what people just like them thought of a movie. That’s what you’re going to find at Cinema Fromage.

8) Where does Jigsaw get all the money he needs to build all those traps and buy all that warehouse space? Better yet, does he have some sort of engineering background? He must, right, if he designs all that crap?

He owns all those warehouses, there has to be a meth lab or two in there somewhere! He was obviously a pretty smart guy, so it’s easy to assume that he would have invested his meth profits pretty wisely. He’s not just going to throw it about willy-nilly on ipods and stuff. You’d think at some point though it would have dawned on him to spend some of that money on his cancer treatments since he was rejected by his insurance, but eh… he was having fun. As for the engineering background, I can’t say. He could just be one of those guys like my father-in-law who likes to find the most difficult solution for a simple problem!

You don't want to know where that hose leads. Or maybe you do!

9) Several theories regarding the reasons why people would subject themselves to watching horror films (when they're so, you know, traumatic) exist. Which is closest in line with your feelings on and reactions to the genre? Feel free to elaborate. Or don't, see if I care.

a) RELIEF THEORY: The unpleasant feelings of distress cause more stimulating feelings of relief when the unpleasantness passes- the stressed arousal caused by fear becomes pleasurable arousal later on.
b) CONTINUOUS REWARD: The excitement felt during the film is the appeal in and of itself.
c) SOCIAL THEORIES:
1) Stereotypical gender roles are reinforced: men act as protectors, women need protection.
2) Violating social norms- watching "deviant" entertainment- is exciting.
3) Experiencing heightened emotions with others makes us feel like we "belong" and we're truly part of a group.

The closest would have to be the relief theory, but it doesn’t fit completely. More than anything, it’s simple escapism. Despite how frustrating your day has been up until now? That person getting hacked apart on your TV screen is having a worse day than you are! Going even further beyond, we all deal with relationships, awkward situations, drama and the like all day, every day. If I want to escape for a bit? I don’t want to sit and watch and a movie that rehashes everything I’ve already dealt with today such as drama, awkward situations or depressing stuff. Action movies fit in well here too though, because watching things explode is always good old fashioned escapism too!

10) Which year produced better horror movies: 1977 or 1981? Why?

1981. Fashion sense, disco was dead, the rise of punk, uh…boobs, that kind of stuff. More than anything, I was 4 in 1977 and I was 7 in 1981. It’s probably as simple as I could identify more with the social norms that film makers were playing with in those days. In ’77, I didn’t really care if it didn’t involve Star Wars or Bugs Bunny.

11) What the eff is up with those French and their crazy horror flicks?

I don’t know, but I like what they’re doing! Those folks are pretty intense! Maybe it has something to do with all the snails they like to eat.

12) What's your favorite Animals Run Amok movie?

For a modern spin, I freaking loved Grizzly Park! Brody the Bear was pretty awesome for a bear.

13) If Jason Voorhees is on a train heading east at 80mph and Leatherface is on a train heading west at 65mph…why the hell would anyone ever watch Rob Zombie's Halloween?

Because it really wasn’t that bad! Sure, it wasn’t the original, but the first one was a big old fashioned fanboy salute! As for the second one, your guess is as good as mine. Come on Rob, step up and prove the haters wrong; let somebody else write the script, you do the directing. Then they’ll get on board.


14) What are your funereal wishes?


Don’t embalm me, my ass is coming back.

15) Why do I have such a fondness for Shelley Hack? It's not like she's really done much to deserve it, but there it is.

From what I’ve seen, I think you have a strong fondness for poofy hair in the 80’s!

16) You're on a sinking ghost ship that's being piloted by a witch. What are your last words?

“Dear, I told you to stop and ask directions back at the marina.”

17) Asking about your funereal wishes and your last words means nothing, I swear.

Just have the pizza rolls ready when I show up after the funeral and everything will be okay.

18) Do you know where I can get some lye?

Ask that twitchy guy that works down at Home Depot. He’s got his own stash in the back room. He will charge you a little extra for a finders fee though.

I don't know why Casey's so scared. Pinhead is clearly wasted.

19) Weren't you glad when THAT JERK in THAT HORROR MOVIE got what was coming to him?

Yes, that asshole! I couldn’t believe it took that long either! At least we got the satisfaction of seeing THAT happen to him.

20) Overall, what’s your favorite era of horror films?

I have a strong nostalgic bond to the 80’s just because that’s when I grew up and when I started watching them and experimenting with horror. There are a lot of strong memories of late nights watching 80’s horror flicks with my dad which always make them just a bit more warm and fuzzy. That, and the hair.

21) Would you rather be:

1) a vampire
2) a witch/warlock
3) a werewolf
4) a Frankenstein (and yes, I know technically it’s “Frankenstein’s monster” but “a Frankenstein” sounds better)
5) a Jaws

A Frankenstein! Have you ever seen me in the morning? I’m already half way there!


22) If you could turn back time- if you could find a way- would you take back those words that hurt me, so I’d stay?

Put your little hand in mine, there ain’t no hill or mountain we can’t climb. Babe. You get me?

23) What's something you want people to know about you or your blog that I didn't ask?

Cinema Fromage contains ZERO TRANS FATS!

And yes, ‘Criswell’ is my real name, not a pen name in homage to ‘The Amazing Criswell’. Pretty nifty co-winkydink though!

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When he's not tooling around at Cinema Fromage, Casey can be found at Bloody Good Horror. Clearly he's a GD overachiever. Stay tuned for anther exciting episode of...THE BLOGGENAIRES!

Bloggenaire: Cortez the Killer, Planet of Terror

I'm going to assume that Cortez of Planet of Terror wouldn't be so foolish as to call himself "The Killer" if he really was a killer. I mean, it would be crazy to admit it and thus court police action! Also, it would be chilling.


1) What's the key moment that led you to click that "Start Your Blog" button?

My partner in crime (Complaint Dept.) just decided to do it one day and we started posting away, writing 5 paragraph globs of nonsense about horror films we’d watched and posting whatever random stuff we fancied (said in an English accent). I’m pretty sure we were the only two people reading our posts for like the first 6 months until that all glorious day we received our first comment (yippee!).

2) Please describe your blog in no more than 3 sentences. You must include the words / phrases "morbid", "aesthetic", and "electromagnetic".

For me, I love all things trashy 80’s and exploitation. So that’s my main focus. For Complaint Dept., he loves Italian stuff and sits through way more bad movies than I do. We try to cover the whole spectrum but all in all, we are a totally randomized blog. Oops, that’s four, including this one that’s five.

3) Bearing in mind that opinions are subjective (except mine because I'm always right), do you enjoy movies that are generally considered "bad"? Why or why not?

HELL YES. I am the connoisseur of crap and I love tons of cheese and sleaze-infested shlop. Check out my post regarding my favorite 80’s horror films (shamelessly self-promotes within self-promoting bloggenaire).

4) Did you know that there exists one variety of carnivorous parrot? It's true. They live in the mountains of New Zealand, and they eat the fat surrounding the kidneys of sheep- WHILE THE SHEEP ARE ALIVE. It's horrible.

Good luck asking that polly if they want a cracker. They’d be like ‘Bitch please, I EAT LIVERS FOR BREAKFAST!’

5) What's the one- ONE- horror movie you love so much you want to stick it down your pants?

Hard Rock Zombies (its da troof).

6) Adrienne Barbeau. Discuss.

A true talent. I had the privilege of interviewing the filmmaker of one of her recent works (check out Alice Jacobs is Dead). She’s as amazing a person in real life as onscreen.

7) Why should people bother to read your blog?

Because we say ‘poop’ a lot and phrases like ‘ding dongery’.

8) Where does Jigsaw get all the money he needs to build all those traps and buy all that warehouse space? Better yet, does he have some sort of engineering background? He must, right, if he designs all that crap?

He’s clearly a trust fund baby who spent his formative years playing with Lincoln Logs. He then moved on to basket weaving in college.

9) Several theories regarding the reasons why people would subject themselves to watching horror films (when they're so, you know, traumatic) exist. Which is closest in line with your feelings on and reactions to the genre? Feel free to elaborate. Or don't, see if I care.

a) RELIEF THEORY: The unpleasant feelings of distress cause more stimulating feelings of relief when the unpleasantness passes- the stressed arousal caused by fear becomes pleasurable arousal later on.
b) CONTINUOUS REWARD: The excitement felt during the film is the appeal in and of itself.
c) SOCIAL THEORIES:
1) Stereotypical gender roles are reinforced: men act as protectors, women need protection.
2) Violating social norms- watching "deviant" entertainment- is exciting.
3) Experiencing heightened emotions with others makes us feel like we "belong" and we're truly part of a group.

Some of these I can align myself with but its those movies that last long with you AFTER the credits roll. You know, the ones that you think about for days on end. So not always does the relief pass. And I love watching films with people whom I think would get creeped out by something that I watched. Validation can be important sometimes.

10) Which year produced better horror movies: 1977 or 1981? Why?

1981: Halloween II, An American Werewolf in London, Dead and Buried (totally underappreciated) and The Burning. ‘Nuff said.

When he's not killing or "killing", Cortez enjoys developing photographs.

11) What the eff is up with those French and their crazy horror flicks?

Jesus. You're telling me. I think its something in the water or some sort of cultural revolution or something. They are also putting out some of the best heavy metal these days, IMO.

12) What's your favorite Animals Run Amok movie?

Jurassic Park.

13) If Jason Voorhees is on a train heading east at 80mph and Leatherface is on a train heading west at 65mph…why the hell would anyone ever watch Rob Zombie's Halloween?

True. But my partner in crime still swears by it. I thought it was terrible.

14) What are your funereal wishes?

A nice eulogy from a family member or friend. And Slayer’s "Reign in Blood". You know, to spice things up a bit.

15) Why do I have such a fondness for Shelley Hack? It's not like she's really done much to deserve it, but there it is.

We all have our things. Tom Atkins is my man.

16) You're on a sinking ghost ship that's being piloted by a witch. What are your last words?

Bitch, why can’t you fly this shit?

17) Asking about your funereal wishes and your last words means nothing, I swear.

At least you haven’t asked me what my favorite color is.

18) Do you know where I can get some lye?

http://www.lyedepot.com

19) Weren't you glad when THAT JERK in THAT HORROR MOVIE got what was coming to him?

That fucker Teddy deserved it in Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter. I don’t care what anyone says. What a douche.

20) Overall, what’s your favorite era of horror films?

80’s followed closely by the 70’s.

21) Would you rather be:

1) a vampire
2) a witch/warlock
3) a werewolf
4) a Frankenstein (and yes, I know technically it’s “Frankenstein’s monster” but “a Frankenstein” sounds better)
5) a Jaws

Vampire. Solely for the reason that they can just look at a girl and bag her. I’d also be the first vampire to invent synthetic beer that provides the same bodily sustenance as blood. That True Blood ain’t got shit on me.

22) If you could turn back time- if you could find a way- would you take back those words that hurt me, so I’d stay?

If I could reach the stars, I’d give them all to you.

23) What's something you want people to know about you or your blog that I didn't ask?

We love indie horror and support indie filmmakers mucho. We typically try and spotlight indie horror films and directors at least once a month.

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Big thanks to Cortez the Killer! Stay tuned for another exciting episode of...THE BLOGGENAIRES!

Bloggenaire: Nate Yapp, Classic Horror

Man, Classic Horror has been around since before I was born (not true)! Over there, Mr. Yapp and Company- yes, there's "and Company"- celebrates the history of horror...in style. Seriously, it's one of those prettified sites that makes me want to punch a kitten in a rage- such is my design envy. Lucky for them (and kittens everywhere) that their content, from reviews to interviews and everything in between, is so good I can't not read it. Still...jerks.

1) What's the key moment that led you to click that "Start Your Blog" button?

Gather roun', children. Let me tell you about the days before the blog. A long time ago but sometime after lunch, I was a 16-year-old boy at a critical nexus in my life. I wrote a research paper on horror films for my sophomore writing class which awoke my hibernating passion for the horror film. At the same time, I learned this magic computer writing called HTML and I needed a project with which to develop the skill. The first iteration of the site that would become Classic-Horror.com was coded by hand in Textpad and then uploaded to an Angelfire free hosting account. I didn't have a button for starting a so-called blog for another seven or eight years. Now get off my porch.

2) Please describe your blog in no more than 3 sentences. You must include the words / phrases "morbid", "aesthetic", and "electromagnetic".



Classic-Horror.com concerns itself largely with scary movie entertainment of yesteryear, when it was actually put on celluloid and not susceptible to being wiped out by an electromagnetic pulse from space. We are especially appreciative of films that hold to a macabre or morbid aesthetic, rather than one of sadism.

3) Bearing in mind that opinions are subjective (except mine because I'm always right), do you enjoy movies that are generally considered "bad"? Why or why not?



I love a bad movie that had good intentions behind it – filmmakers like Edward D. Wood Jr. and whatnot who were really trying to add something to the landscape of cinema. Yes, I'll mock and make jokes, but I feel it's in the spirit of the production. They attempted to make a contribution, so I will give them my full attention and respond to their work as comes naturally to me.



On the flipside, there are those calculating direct-to-video sequels and rip-offs, the cynical corporate projects where its clear that nobody involved gives a damn. I'm thinking of horsedung like The Cell 2, which has a random car chase stuck in the middle simply to have an action sequence. I hate those things and I usually won't review them.

4) Did you know that there exists one variety of carnivorous parrot? It's true. They live in the mountains of New Zealand, and they eat the fat surrounding the kidneys of sheep- WHILE THE SHEEP ARE ALIVE. It's horrible.

Horrible... or awesome?

5) What's the one- ONE- horror movie you love so much you want to stick it down your pants?



That's between me and James Whale's Frankenstein.

6) Adrienne Barbeau. Discuss.



Every time I think of Adrienne Barbeau, I think of this moment in The Fog where she sort of grips a cigarette between her teeth as she lights it. I don't know why, but I find it incredibly sexy, even though smoking is gross.

7) Why should people bother to read your blog?



Because I MADE IT for YOU! *ahem* Sorry about that. Seriously, though, I've put ten years of my life into this website because I firmly believe that horror is an important part of our cultural landscape and that it deserves to be treated with critical respect. All of the reviews I post go through a strenuous editorial process because when I read a critical piece on a film I love (or even one I hate), I want it to be organized, coherent, and to make a larger point beyond simple opinion.

8) Where does Jigsaw get all the money he needs to build all those traps and buy all that warehouse space? Better yet, does he have some sort of engineering background? He must, right, if he designs all that crap?



Jigsaw is secretly one-quarter Gallifreyan, which is why his warehouses are all bigger on the inside, feature complex machinery outside the realm of human reason, and also why he keeps showing up in the Saw films despite having died.

9) Several theories regarding the reasons why people would subject themselves to watching horror films (when they're so, you know, traumatic) exist. Which is closest in line with your feelings on and reactions to the genre? Feel free to elaborate. Or don't, see if I care.

a) RELIEF THEORY: The unpleasant feelings of distress cause more stimulating feelings of relief when the unpleasantness passes- the stressed arousal caused by fear becomes pleasurable arousal later on.
b) CONTINUOUS REWARD: The excitement felt during the film is the appeal in and of itself.
c) SOCIAL THEORIES:
1) Stereotypical gender roles are reinforced: men act as protectors, women need protection.
2) Violating social norms- watching "deviant" entertainment- is exciting.
3) Experiencing heightened emotions with others makes us feel like we "belong" and we're truly part of a group.


I watch horror films, I think, because I have always watched horror films and I could not imagine being a person who does not watch horror films. I guess there's usually a new “current” reason for watching. Right now it's my fascination with genre theory. In a way, I guess you could say I'm in it now because this question exists. I'm keen to understand what we consider a horror film, where those definitions come from, what exceptions exist to the rules we create and where the boundaries are pliable.

10) Which year produced better horror movies: 1977 or 1981? Why?


This is impossible for me. 1977 definitely gave us greater films than 1981 (Eraserhead, The Hills Have Eyes, Martin, and Suspiria versus An American Werewolf in London, The Beyond, Dead & Buried, and The Howling). However, I have more emotional investment tied into The Howling and An American Werewolf in London – each contains a scene that was part of my development as a horror fan. I just can't make this call.

11) What the eff is up with those French and their crazy horror flicks?


Have you seen Don't Deliver Us from Evil? That is some messed up stuff there. Think Heavenly Creatures but French and Satanic (it was based on the same true crime case). I'm still not sure what I think of the damn movie.

12) What's your favorite Animals Run Amok movie?



If we're talking animal apocalypse, you cannot go wrong with Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds. I'll bat at my hair randomly after watching that. For nature's ongoing vengeance against man, I have a special place in my heart for Grizzly, the gorier woodland cousin of Jaws. You know the one – your dad's sister's kid who keeps trying to be just like you, but is more adorable for the effort rather than the effect?

13) If Jason Voorhees is on a train heading east at 80mph and Leatherface is on a train heading west at 65mph…why the hell would anyone ever watch Rob Zombie's Halloween?



Because God hates you, that's why.

14) What are your funereal wishes?



I want “This Monkey's Gone to Heaven” to play and I want it to be open casket and open bar. Maybe an open casket bar. You have to fetch the little umbrellas from my dead lips.

15) Why do I have such a fondness for Shelley Hack? It's not like she's really done much to deserve it, but there it is.



I have no idea who that is.

16) You're on a sinking ghost ship that's being piloted by a witch. What are your last words?



“Mahna-mahna.”

17) Asking about your funereal wishes and your last words means nothing, I swear.



Uh-huh. I'm watchin' you, Ponder. But not like Sting. That would be creepy.

18) Do you know where I can get some lye?



Why, do I look like a lye guy, small fry?

19) Weren't you glad when THAT JERK in THAT HORROR MOVIE got what was coming to him?



You mean every single person in the Friday the 13th reboot? No. It meant watching the movie.

20) Overall, what’s your favorite era of horror films?



I will always be a Universal fanboy.

21) Would you rather be:

1) a vampire
2) a witch/warlock
3) a werewolf
4) a Frankenstein (and yes, I know technically it’s “Frankenstein’s monster” but “a Frankenstein” sounds better)
5) a Jaws

I would be a werewolf if I could be a Howling werewolf and not, say, An American Werewolf in London werewolf. Otherwise, I've always wanted vast cosmic power. Warlock me.

22) If you could turn back time- if you could find a way- would you take back those words that hurt me, so I’d stay?



That would create a causality loop and I'm so not insured for that.

23) What's something you want people to know about you or your blog that I didn't ask?



Yes, no, possibly, only on Mondays, Howard Vernon, get the hell away from me, only if you ask nicely, and “Have a potato.”

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Big thanks to Nate Yapp! Stay tuned for another exciting episode of...THE BLOGGENAIRES!

Bloggenaire: Andre Dumas, The Horror Digest

Andre Dumas did not write The Three Musketeers, although it would be easy to get her confused with Alexandre Dumas. I believe that he, too, was a "cat enthusiast" and "blood lover". Or maybe I made that up- who knows? on't be so uptight. Anyway, Andre runs herself a fine blog over at The Horror Digest. She just wrapped up a fantastic series of horror-related tributes for Black History Month and she's racking up an impressive list of reviews rather quickly.

Every time I visit her blog, I expect the banner to say "Where horror movies are reduced, reused, and recycled", but it never does.

1) What's the key moment that led you to click that "Start Your Blog" button?

Unemployment. Somewhere along the 3rd month, sitting around wearing no pants just wasn’t fun anymore.

2) Please describe your blog in no more than 3 sentences. You must include the words / phrases "morbid", "aesthetic", and "electromagnetic".

Despite having an electromagnetic black background, the Horror Digest is not morbid. It is a blog devoted the aesthetic nature of horror rather than the nature of boobs.

3) Bearing in mind that opinions are subjective (except mine because I'm always right), do you enjoy movies that are generally considered "bad"? Why or why not?

YES. I love bad movies but only if they are good bad movies, like Showgirls (but only the version with digitally added clothing) and Wild Things.

4) Did you know that there exists one variety of carnivorous parrot? It's true. They live in the mountains of New Zealand, and they eat the fat surrounding the kidneys of sheep- WHILE THE SHEEP ARE ALIVE. It's horrible.

Sounds like a good horror movie I just saw called Carnivorous Parrots of New Zealand. You should check that one that out.

5) What's the one- ONE- horror movie you love so much you want to stick it down your pants?

Oh boy. Ooooh jeez this is hard. I’m having trouble concentrating cause the woman using the copy machine just farted and I can’t breathe but ummmm ok if I have to choose…..Suspiria!

6) Adrienne Barbeau. Discuss.

If she could have just found a better babysitter than stupid old Mrs. Kobritz I would have liked her better. But yeah she’s okay.

7) Why should people bother to read your blog?

Because I like cats, potato chips and horror movies…honestly how can you go wrong?


8) Where does Jigsaw get all the money he needs to build all those traps and buy all that warehouse space? Better yet, does he have some sort of engineering background? He must, right, if he designs all that crap?

Jigsaw is what I like to call an asshole. Just because you have cancer doesn’t mean you can do that to people OK?!! He did tell me that gets his money from Google Adsense. I know what you’re thinking and the answer is-yeah, he gets a lot of hits.

9) Several theories regarding the reasons why people would subject themselves to watching horror films (when they're so, you know, traumatic) exist. Which is closest in line with your feelings on and reactions to the genre? Feel free to elaborate. Or don't, see if I care.

a) RELIEF THEORY: The unpleasant feelings of distress cause more stimulating feelings of relief when the unpleasantness passes- the stressed arousal caused by fear becomes pleasurable arousal later on.
b) CONTINUOUS REWARD: The excitement felt during the film is the appeal in and of itself.
c) SOCIAL THEORIES:
1) Stereotypical gender roles are reinforced: men act as protectors, women need protection.
2) Violating social norms- watching "deviant" entertainment- is exciting.
3) Experiencing heightened emotions with others makes us feel like we "belong" and we're truly part of a group.

B. I refuse to elaborate because I have to pee.

10) Which year produced better horror movies: 1977 or 1981? Why?

Clearly based on my which horror movie would you put down your pants answer I will be picking 1977.

11) What the eff is up with those French and their crazy horror flicks?

Let me get something straight right now. I freaking love French horror movies. They are the new Asian horror and by far the best movies that are coming out right now period. You feel me?

Andre Dumas, living blogger. Or Alexandre Dumas, dead author. Dammit, it's so confusing!

12) What's your favorite Animals Run Amok movie?

Well I know technically they are arachnids, but Arachnophobia wins it for me. It’s pretty funny you guys! (and scary too!)

13) If Jason Voorhees is on a train heading east at 80mph and Leatherface is on a train heading west at 65mph…why the hell would anyone ever watch Rob Zombie's Halloween?

If a new Papa Ginos hadn’t just opened up across the street from me yesterday I would have answered this differently- but the answer is I don’t know man.

14) What are your funereal wishes?

To have John Landis read my eulogy which would just be a gigantic love letter to him from me. I already wrote it.

Andre Dumas, always looking for new perspectives on that one nude.

15) Why do I have such a fondness for Shelley Hack? It's not like she's really done much to deserve it, but there it is.

Because she’s a hottie. Plus she was pretty fab in the Stepfather.

16) You're on a sinking ghost ship that's being piloted by a witch. What are your last words?

I can’t answer this until I know whether she’s a good witch or a bad witch.

17) Asking about your funereal wishes and your last words means nothing, I swear.

Oh it means something alright. It means you knew what my funeral wishes were and that you wanted everyone else to know just how much John Landis cares about me. It’s okay, I understand.

18) Do you know where I can get some lye?

Depends on what you want to use it for. If you’re just looking to cure some eggs or pretzels, a food grade lye would be pretty easy to find as long as it’s meets the requirements outlined by the FDA. But if you’re trying to clean your drain out (which I know you are because you keep killing people in your bathtub) then you would need a lower grade lye which can be trickier to find. So no I don’t really know anything about that.

19) Weren't you glad when THAT JERK in THAT HORROR MOVIE got what was coming to him?

People really need to start cutting David Copperfield some slack. If you think doing a magic show on a moving train is so easy, then you try it.

David Copperfield, preparing to cut his OWN slack.

20) Overall, what’s your favorite era of horror films?

The 70s by far. Groovy, beautiful, original, GREAT. Good stuff all around.

21) Would you rather be:
1) a vampire
2) a witch/warlock
3) a werewolf
4) a Frankenstein (and yes, I know technically it’s “Frankenstein’s monster” but “a Frankenstein” sounds better)
5) a Jaws

Jaws. I’m terrified of sharks so if I was one then maybe I could get over that fear. Hopefully I won’t be as stupid as that other jaws and gladly swallow a pressurized air tank. Dumbass. Also sharks have no enemies- except “killer whales or orcas” but I refuse to believe that Free Willy could eat Jaws that’s just….that’s just ridiculous!


22) If you could turn back time- if you could find a way- would you take back those words that hurt me, so I’d stay?

If you’re referring to when I said you were killing people in your bathtub then no, I meant those words. If you are referring to when I said you weren’t as cool as me then yes, I wish I could take it back.

23) What's something you want people to know about you or your blog that I didn't ask?

I once tried changing my background color to white and my font to blue. It didn’t work out.
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Big thanks to Alexandre Andre! Kids, if you're a horror blogger and you want to be featured here, then read and find out how. Meanwhile, keep your dial set to Final Girl for another exciting episode of...THE BLOGGENAIRES!

Bloggenaire: Joel Harley, Porkhead’s Horror Review Hole

Joel Harley's blog, Porkhead's Horror Review Hole, isn't nearly as disturbing as the juxtaposition of the words "porkhead" and "hole" may lead you to expect it to be. Or maybe you expect something totally different than what I expected, I can't really say. That's because I'm not you. I'm also not Joel Harley, and therefore the answers below are not mine. They're his. I just blew your mind, didn't I?

1) What's the key moment that led you to click that "Start Your Blog" button?

Possibly that time when I watched that movie and realized I couldn’t keep my mouth shut any longer. My witless opinion needs hearing.

2) Please describe your blog in no more than 3 sentences. You must include the words / phrases "morbid", "aesthetic", and "electromagnetic".

The sleaziest movie review site on the web. Might not be aesthetically pleasing, but it’s more fun than a dose of electromagnetic shocks up the arse. Morbidly interesting, I suppose.

3) Bearing in mind that opinions are subjective (except mine because I'm always right), do you enjoy movies that are generally considered "bad"? Why or why not?

Yes, because 2006’s Wicker Man has Nic Cage punching women in the face whilst dressed as a bear. And I Know Who Killed Me has Lindsay Lohan hopping around on an artificial leg. Name me one legitimately good movie that boasts *those* particular treasures.

4) Did you know that there exists one variety of carnivorous parrot? It's true. They live in the mountains of New Zealand, and they eat the fat surrounding the kidneys of sheep- WHILE THE SHEEP ARE ALIVE. It's horrible.

No, I didn’t know that. But they definitely should show more of that sorta thing on The Discovery Channel.

5) What's the one- ONE- horror movie you love so much you want to stick it down your pants?

Evil Dead 2.

6) Adrienne Barbeau. Discuss.

She was good in Escape from New York and The Fog. I just looked on IMDB, and I saw she was in Arkham Asylum. Infinite kudos.

7) Why should people bother to read your blog?

They shouldn’t. But, I suppose, it’s the best place to go if you like semi-coherent ranting about Twilight and lots of swearing.

8) Where does Jigsaw get all the money he needs to build all those traps and buy all that warehouse space? Better yet, does he have some sort of engineering background? He must, right, if he designs all that crap?

Abuse of some grant from Marie Curie Cancer Care, perhaps?

9) Several theories regarding the reasons why people would subject themselves to watching horror films (when they're so, you know, traumatic) exist. Which is closest in line with your feelings on and reactions to the genre? Feel free to elaborate. Or don't, see if I care.

a) RELIEF THEORY: The unpleasant feelings of distress cause more stimulating feelings of relief when the unpleasantness passes- the stressed arousal caused by fear becomes pleasurable arousal later on.
b) CONTINUOUS REWARD: The excitement felt during the film is the appeal in and of itself.
c) SOCIAL THEORIES:
1) Stereotypical gender roles are reinforced: men act as protectors, women need protection.
2) Violating social norms- watching "deviant" entertainment- is exciting.
3) Experiencing heightened emotions with others makes us feel like we "belong" and we're truly part of a group.

The one about the “deviant” entertainment thing, probably. That’s why I watch them. Although the Continuous Reward theory’s a good one too.

10) Which year produced better horror movies: 1977 or 1981? Why?

Yeesh, I’m tempted to say 1977 simply because of The Hills Have Eyes, but 81 did yield American Werewolf, My Bloody Valentine and The Burning. I love me some Bloody Valentine.

11) What the eff is up with those French and their crazy horror flicks?

Apparently it originated with the Marquis De Sade, and his ilk. Kinda figures. Haute Tension is hella overrated though, dare I say it.

12) What's your favorite Animals Run Amok movie?

Piranha. Bring on the remake.

13) If Jason Voorhees is on a train heading east at 80mph and Leatherface is on a train heading west at 65mph…why the hell would anyone ever watch Rob Zombie's Halloween?

Self-loathing? Masochism? Insanity? Whatever, I got me a ton of mileage out of all that Zombieweiner hate.

Hating Zombieweiner: now in three dimensions!

14) What are your funereal wishes?

I want to be buried in a crate full of my DVDs, comics and assorted shit. I want to be wearing my Texas Chainsaw Massacre t-shirt. No-one, at any point (EVER) quotes the lyrics to “Candle in the Wind”. But “Bat out of Hell” and “Highway to Hell” must be played as my coffin is dumped in the ground. Finally, someone has to change my facebook status update to read “is dead”.

15) Why do I have such a fondness for Shelley Hack? It's not like she's really done much to deserve it, but there it is.

Well, she was one of Charlie’s Angels. Nuff said, really.

16) You're on a sinking ghost ship that's being piloted by a witch. What are your last words?

Something profound and witty.

17) Asking about your funereal wishes and your last words means nothing, I swear.

Good ‘O. Worry not, I want these things to be known anyway. I swear, anyone even mentions “Candle in the Wind”, I shall rise from my coffin and… sorry.

18) Do you know where I can get some lye?

Make it yourself: http://www.wikihow.com/Make-Lye

19) Weren't you glad when THAT JERK in THAT HORROR MOVIE got what was coming to him?

Meh, the jerks are the best characters. I generally prefer it when all the nice people die first.

20) Overall, what’s your favorite era of horror films?

Most likely the 80s, funny as that sounds. Both Evil Dead, the best Friday, the best 3 Nightmares… and all the good 70s’ shit would’ve been out on VHS by then anyway.

21) Would you rather be: 1) a vampire 2) a witch/warlock 3) a werewolf 4) a Frankenstein (and yes, I know technically it’s “Frankenstein’s monster” but “a Frankenstein” sounds better) 5) a Jaws

A vampire, but not a sparkly one.

22) If you could turn back time- if you could find a way- would you take back those words that hurt me, so I’d stay?

No, because when Ashton Kutcher tried that, all his arms and legs fell off and he ended up married to Demi Moore.

23) What's something you want people to know about you or your blog that I didn't ask?

Well, since you asked: yes, I think I might actually be a bit gay for Bruce Campbell.

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Big thanks to Joel! Kids, if you're a horror blogger and you want to be featured here, then read and find out how. Meanwhile, keep your dial set to Final Girl for another exciting episode of...THE BLOGGENAIRES!

Bloggenaire: Corey, Evil on Two Legs

Reading Corey's answers, I found out some interesting things regarding the genesis of Evil on Two Legs, one of Final Girl's oldest and raddest cyber-friends. SOME VERY INTERESTING THINGS. What I didn't find out, however, is why he eschews capital letters so very much! Oh well, next time.


1) What's the key moment that led you to click that "Start Your Blog" button?

Eo2L originally existed in 2000 as a more traditional website with reviews and articles dealing with the slasher genre, organized by film. It lasted for a few years until I shut it down, due to a lack of time to devote to it. (The following is absolutely true, and not just me brown-nosing.). In 2007, I came across finalgirl.blogspot.com and began reading it chronologically from the beginning, leaving comments as I went. I was impressed by the combination of a highly personal and conversational writing style with the focus on a singular subject matter (horror films). Days later, when I got caught up to the current post, I decided that, with the help of my best friend Jon, I was going to resurrect Eo2L as a horror blog focusing on slasher films. So yeah. Basically, I ripped you off. Sorry ‘bout that.

2) Please describe your blog in no more than 3 sentences. You must include the words / phrases "morbid", "aesthetic", and "electromagnetic".

Like most horror blogs, Eo2L is a contradiction. Devoted to an undeniably morbid topic (the cinematic portrayal of young adults being murdered by masked psychopaths with sharp objects), our site approaches this subject matter with humor, passion and a cartoony visual aesthetic. Many of the anagrams for the name of our site (e.g., Loveliest Gown, Legit Snow Love), like many of those for the word electromagnetic (e.g., Arctic Melee Tong, Tentacle Crime Go!, Cancer Gem Toilet), make little sense but would be great titles for the prequel to John Carpenter’s The Thing.

3) Bearing in mind that opinions are subjective (except mine because I'm always right), do you enjoy movies that are generally considered "bad"? Why or why not?

The biggest crime a film can commit is being dull. I enjoy almost any film that holds my attention, regardless of why. It’s fantastic when that reason is talented filmmaking, but I can’t deny that I’m mesmerized by inept storytelling, nonsensical plots and bizarre direction (e.g., H2 or anything by Dr. Uwe Boll).

4) Did you know that there exists one variety of carnivorous parrot? It's true. They live in the mountains of New Zealand, and they eat the fat surrounding the kidneys of sheep- WHILE THE SHEEP ARE ALIVE. It's horrible.

This sounds like a decent setup for a made-for-television SyFy thriller. Jimmy Buffett could direct, star in, and write a song for it. Maybe call it Carnivoritaville?

Holy fucking shit, Stacie can't stand Jimmy Buffett!

5) What's the one- ONE- horror movie you love so much you want to stick it down your pants?

Is that the front of the pants or the back? Depending on which, it’d either be Halloween (1978) or Friday the 13th part VII: The New Blood.

6) Adrienne Barbeau. Discuss.

Not a huge fan, but this question prompted me to look her up on IMDB. Did you know she’s the only female in John Carpenter’s The Thing? She’s the voice of the chess computer. That’s the kind of juicy role you can only get by being married to the director.

Corey's time in High School was...well, it was weird.

7) Why should people bother to read your blog?
Three words: Sexy Sidebar Widgets.

8) Where does Jigsaw get all the money he needs to build all those traps and buy all that warehouse space? Better yet, does he have some sort of engineering background? He must, right, if he designs all that crap?

While they quickly changed their age requirement and put strict restrictions on what could and could not be asked for, the Make-a-Wish Foundation grudgingly granted his wish for 100 abandoned warehouse real estate holdings, a dedicated team of electrical and mechanical engineers, 10 pig masks and (I quote) “a spiffy red/black cape that doesn’t make me look fat.”

9) Several theories regarding the reasons why people would subject themselves to watching horror films (when they're so, you know, traumatic) exist. Which is closest in line with your feelings on and reactions to the genre? Feel free to elaborate. Or don't, see if I care.

a) RELIEF THEORY: The unpleasant feelings of distress cause more stimulating feelings of relief when the unpleasantness passes- the stressed arousal caused by fear becomes pleasurable arousal later on.
b) CONTINUOUS REWARD: The excitement felt during the film is the appeal in and of itself.
c) SOCIAL THEORIES:
1) Stereotypical gender roles are reinforced: men act as protectors, women need protection.
2) Violating social norms- watching "deviant" entertainment- is exciting.
3) Experiencing heightened emotions with others makes us feel like we "belong" and we're truly part of a group.

Horror films are, in many ways, comparable to roller-coaster rides. You get all the positive aspects of a traumatic experience (excitement, adrenaline, etc.) without the inconvenience of actually dying. There’s also something to be said for the idea that horror films are a way to deal with our fears in a controlled setting that, logically, offers little danger but emotionally feels quite real. Death is, of course, the ultimate fear – and maybe horror films allow us to come to a better understanding of it. Or, less optimistically, perhaps they strengthen our own personal denial of death since we experience it through the characters in films over and over again, and yet are still fine once the credits roll.

10) Which year produced better horror movies: 1977 or 1981? Why?

1981 is the bee’s knees. In addition to being THE year for slasher films (Halloween 2, My Bloody Valentine, Friday the 13th part 2, The Burning, The Prowler) 1981 also gave us Saturday the 14th. Case closed.

11) What the eff is up with those French and their crazy horror flicks?
I know, right? It’s like they took a film canister and filled it with The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, a bunch of croissants, two servings of crazy and ten servings of awesome and shook it all around.

12) What's your favorite Animals Run Amok movie?

Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus. Or Jaws.

13) If Jason Voorhees is on a train heading east at 80mph and Leatherface is on a train heading west at 65mph…why the hell would anyone ever watch Rob Zombie's Halloween?

They’re big Nazareth fans?

Love does indeed hurt. So do knives. And sometimes, love hurts just like a knife.

14) What are your funereal wishes?

Um, eternal life? Unless that involves sparkling in the sunlight.

15) Why do I have such a fondness for Shelley Hack? It's not like she's really done much to deserve it, but there it is.

You’re a weirdo. In a good way.

16) You're on a sinking ghost ship that's being piloted by a witch. What are your last words?

“LSD is not as fun as I was hoping.”

17) Asking about your funereal wishes and your last words means nothing, I swear.

That’s a relief. I was beginning to wonder.

18) Do you know where I can get some lye?
Yeah, try www.aaa-chemicals.com and search fo… HEY!

19) Weren't you glad when THAT JERK in THAT HORROR MOVIE got what was coming to him?

Dude, that was Sa-WEET.

20) Overall, what’s your favorite era of horror films?

Like most Gen-Xers, I loved the 1980s. And I’m pretty fond of our current one, actually.

21) Would you rather be: 1) a vampire 2) a witch/warlock 3) a werewolf 4) a Frankenstein (and yes, I know technically it’s “Frankenstein’s monster” but “a Frankenstein” sounds better) 5) a Jaws

“5) a Jaws” made me laugh, but I’d have to go with #1. Assuming the “no sparkle” rule from before.

22) If you could turn back time- if you could find a way- would you take back those words that hurt me, so I’d stay?

What am I supposed to do, sit around and wait for you? And I can't do that-there's no turning back. I need time to move on, I need love to feel strong 'cause I've had time to think it through. And maybe I'm too good for you. Ohh. Oh.

I'd like to caption this with "Which witch is which?", but that wouldn't make sense.

23) What's something you want people to know about you or your blog that I didn't ask?

If we’d known how many leg fetishists Google would mistakenly filter to our site – we might have chosen a different name.

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Big thanks to Corey! Kids, if you're a horror blogger and you want to be featured here, then read and find out how. Meanwhile, keep your dial set to Final Girl for another exciting episode of...THE BLOGGENAIRES!

Bloggenaire: Sarah James, Scare Sarah

Sarah James of Scare Sarah likes to be scared, but she also enjoys scaring others. Does this make her perfect for horror blog ownership or insane...or both? No matter! For now, Sarah is...A Bloggenaire, one whose feelings on Adrienne Barbeau are cryptic! However, that's probably because she's from the U.K. They're a mysterious bunch.

1) What's the key moment that led you to click that "Start Your Blog" button?

My other half was being rather successful with their blog, so it was jealousy. Yes, that’s right, jealousy.

2) Please describe your blog in no more than 3 sentences. You must include the words / phrases "morbid", "aesthetic", and "electromagnetic".

I have always had a morbid fascination with blood, torture and electromagneticism. I find the red stuff aesthetically pleasing being a girly girl and all.

3) Bearing in mind that opinions are subjective (except mine because I'm always right), do you enjoy movies that are generally considered "bad"? Why or why not?

I do normally find a “bad” movie quite enjoyable. It makes me feel superior.

4) Did you know that there exists one variety of carnivorous parrot? It's true. They live in the mountains of New Zealand, and they eat the fat surrounding the kidneys of sheep- WHILE THE SHEEP ARE ALIVE. It's horrible.

Of course I fucking knew that.

5) What's the one- ONE- horror movie you love so much you want to stick it down your pants?

Halloween. It’s down my pants right now actually.

6) Adrienne Barbeau. Discuss.

I shouldn’t, but I do.

7) Why should people bother to read your blog?

If you read it I’ll do pretty much anything.

8) Where does Jigsaw get all the money he needs to build all those traps and buy all that warehouse space? Better yet, does he have some sort of engineering background? He must, right, if he designs all that crap?

I’ve seen him working weekends at my local Woolworths, before it closed down. Now he is begging.

9) Several theories regarding the reasons why people would subject themselves to watching horror films (when they're so, you know, traumatic) exist. Which is closest in line with your feelings on and reactions to the genre? Feel free to elaborate. Or don't, see if I care.

a) RELIEF THEORY: The unpleasant feelings of distress cause more stimulating feelings of relief when the unpleasantness passes- the stressed arousal caused by fear becomes pleasurable arousal later on.
b) CONTINUOUS REWARD: The excitement felt during the film is the appeal in and of itself.
c) SOCIAL THEORIES:
1) Stereotypical gender roles are reinforced: men act as protectors, women need protection.
2) Violating social norms- watching "deviant" entertainment- is exciting.
3) Experiencing heightened emotions with others makes us feel like we "belong" and we're truly part of a group.

C3 Now I know it’s normal to kill your pet and, uh…

10) Which year produced better horror movies: 1977 or 1981? Why?

How can you argue with Satan’s Cheerleaders? The oldies are the best.

11) What the eff is up with those French and their crazy horror flicks?

Are you being racialist?

Sarah James, not racialist.

12) What's your favorite Animals Run Amok movie?

The Fly. A fly and a spider. Ew, gross, right?

13) If Jason Voorhees is on a train heading east at 80mph and Leatherface is on a train heading west at 65mph…why the hell would anyone ever watch Rob Zombie's Halloween?

Serious answer alert. When you’ve seen a film you love so many times there is a part of you that wishes you’d never seen it so you can watch it again for the first time with something new. It did it for me. So shoot me.

14) What are your funereal wishes?

Crying and Cryogenics.

15) Why do I have such a fondness for Shelley Hack? It's not like she's really done much to deserve it, but there it is.

Because she’s hot, right? That’s why, right?

16) You're on a sinking ghost ship that's being piloted by a witch. What are your last words?

I do believe in spooks, I do believe in spooks. I do, I do, I do, I do believe in spooks, I do believe in spooks, I do, I do, I do, I do!

17) Asking about your funereal wishes and your last words means nothing, I swear.

Why, I got my eye on you!

18) Do you know where I can get some lye?

What do I get in return?

19) Weren't you glad when THAT JERK in THAT HORROR MOVIE got what was coming to him?

Yeah, the kid in the wheelchair in Texas Chainsaw Massacre was a right pain in the arse.

20) Overall, what’s your favorite era of horror films?

90’s. I love the glossy sexiness.

21) Would you rather be:
1) a vampire
2) a witch/warlock
3) a werewolf
4) a Frankenstein (and yes, I know technically it’s “Frankenstein’s monster” but “a Frankenstein” sounds better)
5) a Jaws

Vampire.

22) If you could turn back time- if you could find a way- would you take back those words that hurt me, so I’d stay?

I drove my tractor through your haystack last night. I threw me pitch fork at your dog to keep quiet. Now something's telling me that you've avoiding me. Come on now darling. You got something i need. 'Cause I got a brand new combine harvester and I'll give you the key. Come on now, let's get together In perfect harmony. I got 20 acres and you got 43. Now I got a brand new combine harvester and I'll give you the key.

23) What's something you want people to know about you or your blog that I didn't ask?

I’m winging it.

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EDITED TO ADD: Sarah's got a DVD giveaway contest running on her site until March 5...so if her answers didn't make you want to click over to her blog, then perhaps your greedy nature will. PS - if her answers didn't make you want to click over to her blog, what's wrong with you?
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Big thanks to Sarah! Kids, if you're a horror blogger and you want to be featured here, then read and find out how. Meanwhile, keep your dial set to Final Girl for another exciting episode of...THE BLOGGENAIRES!

Bloggenaire: Zach Shildwachter, Z for Zombies

Y'all, please give a warm welcome to Mr. Zach Shildwachter, proprietor of Z for Zombies! He was born in 1981, which makes me feel incredibly old.


1) What's the key moment that led you to click that "Start Your Blog" button?

I always have these things I find on the Internet, videos, pictures, and links, that I feel compelled to share with family and friends. I would always include my own brand of humor and thoughts to go along with this, kinda just to twist the knife. My girlfriend said that I should start my own blog, since it was easier than learning HTML to build a website. I guess the Interweb should do what I do; thank her, daily.

2) Please describe your blog in no more than 3 sentences. You must include the words / phrases "morbid", "aesthetic", and "electromagnetic".

Z for Zombies is a morbid timewaster of unparalleled fun for the whole family. Awkward Creations is where I try to share the aesthetic of my brain for the rest of the world to appreciate and judge. Both are powered by the Internet which is a series of electromagnetic tubes.

3) Bearing in mind that opinions are subjective (except mine because I'm always right), do you enjoy movies that are generally considered "bad"? Why or why not?

I’ve been told countless times by my parents and family that I have THEE worst taste in film. I love a bad film. I consider cinema like people; no matter how bad they are, there is some good within them if only you’ll take the time to look. I grew up on spaghetti westerns, monster movies with men in rubber suits, foreign cartoons that used to be called “Japanimation”, poorly dubbed kung fu flicks, action adventures where things blow up for no reason and you never have to reload, and all the cheesy horror flicks I could get away with hiding. I wholeheartedly believe that this is larger what warped my fragile little brain into the state it is now and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

4) Did you know that there exists one variety of carnivorous parrot? It's true. They live in the mountains of New Zealand, and they eat the fat surrounding the kidneys of sheep- WHILE THE SHEEP ARE ALIVE. It's horrible.

That’s pretty nutso. I had a venus fly trap as a kid. It would never eat the flies I caught for it. I thought I could grow my own Audrey II like Seymour.

5) What's the one- ONE- horror movie you love so much you want to stick it down your pants?

Clive Barker’s Night Breed. Why it hasn’t received a Director’s Cut release is beyond my comprehension. I can watch it over and over again. David Cronenberg as a serial killer/psychoanalyst is one of my favorite all time slashers. Rewatch his introduction with the surburban family and you’ll know terror. The world of escape offered within Midian is one that hasn’t been explored since. A Never Never Land for Monsters.

6) Adrienne Barbeau. Discuss.

Adrienne Barbeau was the first pair of exposed breasts I ever saw in a movie. The film Swamp Thing was and always will be close to the heart, even its sequel, largely based on that fact alone. Besides becoming an icon in Escape from New York, and The Fog, I had the great opportunity to work with her as a production assistant on the Daryl Goldberg directed film Unholy. Fresh off her amazing turn on HBO’s Carnivale, she was a constant beam of professionalism. It was the first feature film I ever worked on when I moved to New York City and I lucked out to have her in the cast alongside Nicolas Brendon, more notable as Xander from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. She was always sweet and cheerful, and never complained, despite that we were shooting in one of the coldest winters that had hit New York in ten years. She performs all her stunts and yes, still looks absolutely amazing.

7) Why should people bother to read your blog?

My blog(s) offer a peek into the very core of who I am. The things I want to share, I do so as if we were sitting at a bar, sharing a beer. There’s no disconnect with who I am personally and what you read on my sites. I feel that they are both filled with a needed sense of slanted humor and demented beauty in these sad, unfunny times. I strive to present a voice to indie filmmakers, cult fans, and jaded time wasters to unite and share a moment of unrivaled absurdity through my offerings to the Interwebs.

8) Where does Jigsaw get all the money he needs to build all those traps and buy all that warehouse space? Better yet, does he have some sort of engineering background? He must, right, if he designs all that crap?

You would think he would spend his money on a better health plan, but then again he’s dead. Or is he??

9) Several theories regarding the reasons why people would subject themselves to watching horror films (when they're so, you know, traumatic) exist. Which is closest in line with your feelings on and reactions to the genre? Feel free to elaborate. Or don't, see if I care.

a) RELIEF THEORY: The unpleasant feelings of distress cause more stimulating feelings of relief when the unpleasantness passes- the stressed arousal caused by fear becomes pleasurable arousal later on.

b) CONTINUOUS REWARD: The excitement felt during the film is the appeal in and of itself.

c) SOCIAL THEORIES:

1) Stereotypical gender roles are reinforced: men act as protectors, women need protection.

2) Violating social norms- watching "deviant" entertainment- is exciting.

3) Experiencing heightened emotions with others makes us feel like we "belong" and we're truly part of a group.


I would agree more so with the Continuous Reward theory. There are those that like to be scared, those that get scared, and those that laugh at it all. I guess I fall in the last category.

10) Which year produced better horror movies: 1977 or 1981? Why?

I’d go with 1981 because that’s when I was born. Every horror film that echoed through that epoch I’ve gobbled up as best as I can find. There seems to be a more invested sense of filmmaking and reckless abandon in the stories presented, and especially with their marketing and advertising. Here the icons of all horror fans grew and matured only to be revisited again.

11) What the eff is up with those French and their crazy horror flicks?

Sadly most folks won’t watch films with subtitles or in black and white. I say what the eff is up with them?

12) What's your favorite Animals Run Amok movie?

From my childhood I’d have to say Harry and the Hendersons. Now I’d probably go with Black Sheep or Critters.

13) If Jason Voorhees is on a train heading east at 80mph and Leatherface is on a train heading west at 65mph…why the hell would anyone ever watch Rob Zombie's Halloween?

I think that a lot of people come down pretty hard on the guy that really has no formal training as a filmmaker. He’s a musician that actually survived the days of Grunge. To take the Halloween franchise and generate any interest in it all after both Busta Rhymes and LL Cool J skid-marked it, is a testament to his fan boy prowess. I think that as a fan boy turned director his heart is in the right spot, though he has trouble getting his cameras there.


14) What are your funereal wishes?

I want to have a metal rod inserted into my penis and be buried in a Speed-o. Of course I will also have a custom made clear acrylic coffin that you can see me through. My plans are to be buried vertically, with the top half of my coffin sticking out of the ground. Across the lid, that doubles as my tombstone, will be inscribed with my epitaph that shall read as follows; Here is Zach Shildwachter. Funny Guy.

15) Why do I have such a fondness for Shelley Hack? It's not like she's really done much to deserve it, but there it is.

Well, she was in Troll.

16) You're on a sinking ghost ship that's being piloted by a witch. What are your last words?

I tried.

17) Asking about your funereal wishes and your last words means nothing, I swear.

Don’t steal my idea. I bet you’re gonna try to die before me on purpose.

18) Do you know where I can get some lye?

You used to be able to find most of the ingredients used by Tyler Durden and his space monkeys at your local grocery store/drug store. I guess we’re the reason they keep the cold medicine locked up now too.

19) Weren't you glad when THAT JERK in THAT HORROR MOVIE got what was coming to him?

Actually, not really. The jerk usually makes the most sense. Stay in the cellar.

20) Overall, what’s your favorite era of horror films?

I really dig that time of late 80s, early 90s, when the Mom & Pop Video Shops still flourished. Back when VHS had just won dominion over Beta, and Laser Discs were around the corner. Cover art was exactly that, art, drawn by a human being. Where posters determined if you rented one movie or two.

21) Would you rather be:
1) a vampire
2) a witch/warlock
3) a werewolf
4) a Frankenstein (and yes, I know technically it’s “Frankenstein’s monster” but “a Frankenstein” sounds better)
5) a Jaws

I am a listed organ donor on my driver’s license, so I would go with “a Frankenstein”. I’d like to think if I never helped anyone in real life, at least I could do so in death. I’m surprised that most people aren’t, you can’t take it with you. Anytime anyone asks me for identification and I had them my ID, that’s the first thing I say. “I’m an organ donor.”

22) If you could turn back time- if you could find a way- would you take back those words that hurt me, so I’d stay?

Pride's like a knife it can cut deep inside / Words are like weapons they wound sometimes

23) What's something you want people to know about you or your blog that I didn't ask?

I am the only son, born with 3 sisters. I need your validation through comments and lots of them.
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Big thanks to Zach! Kids, if you're a horror blogger and you want to be featured here, then read and find out how. Meanwhile, keep your dial set to Final Girl for another exciting episode of...THE BLOGGENAIRES!

Bloggenaire: Arbogast on Film

Arbogast of Arbogast on Film is a man of mystery. Or maybe he's a woman of mystery- I mean, this is the internet, so who knows for sure? Regardless, its blog is one of those that I read and I get all "Hurrr. Pretty write." I'm just erudite that way.

1) What's the key moment that led you to click that "Start Your Blog" button?

I was messing around in blogspot one day when SexInfo101.com was down for maintenance to see what a blog would look like if I were to have one and then all of a sudden I had one and needed to fill it with stuff.

2) Please describe your blog in no more than 3 sentences. You must include the words / phrases "morbid", "aesthetic", and "electromagnetic".

I like to think of it as the coolest three-ring binder ever found in the wake of a trade school massacre. It’s morboelectricomagnetaesthetic!

3) Bearing in mind that opinions are subjective (except mine because I'm always right), do you enjoy movies that are generally considered "bad"? Why or why not?

Poorly reasoned, diffidently acted and hastily shot movies can sometimes cut through to the bone of a matter. I’d much rather watch MANDINGO than MISSISSIPPI BURNING or MARS NEEDS WOMEN than CONTACT.

4) Did you know that there exists one variety of carnivorous parrot? It's true. They live in the mountains of New Zealand, and they eat the fat surrounding the kidneys of sheep- WHILE THE SHEEP ARE ALIVE. It's horrible.

Say, that is pretty gnarly.

5) What's the one- ONE- horror movie you love so much you want to stick it down your pants?

Probably the original NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD, whose time-release genius is revealed to me in glistening chunks year after year.

6) Adrienne Barbeau. Discuss.

When I saw CREEPSHOW back in 1983, somebody was smoking a cigar somewhere in the cinema and my mind branded the stink of that stogie on Adrienne Barbeau’s character, so I can never feel the same MAUDE-era stirrings for her that I once did, through no fault of her own.

7) Why should people bother to read your blog?

People should read my blog so they know what they’re not missing.

8) Where does Jigsaw get all the money he needs to build all those traps and buy all that warehouse space? Better yet, does he have some sort of engineering background? He must, right, if he designs all that crap?

If Jigsaw is like 90% of people working in horror these days, he was born into money.

9) Several theories regarding the reasons why people would subject themselves to watching horror films (when they're so, you know, traumatic) exist. Which of the following is closest in line with your feelings on and reactions to the genre? Feel free to elaborate. Or don't, see if I care.

a) RELIEF THEORY: The unpleasant feelings of distress cause more stimulating feelings of relief when the unpleasantness passes- the stressed arousal caused by fear becomes pleasurable arousal later on.
b) CONTINUOUS REWARD: The excitement felt during the film is the appeal in and of itself.
c) SOCIAL THEORIES:
1) Stereotypical gender roles are reinforced: men act as protectors, women need protection.
2) Violating social norms- watching "deviant" entertainment- is exciting.
3) Experiencing heightened emotions with others makes us feel like we "belong" and we're truly part of a group.

I enjoy seeing humanity tested and behavior altered by experience. That preference isn’t restricted to horror movies but horror is the genre that really puts the screws to mankind. When filmmakers shortchange humanity, I lose interest. I was watching Carnie Wilson on CELEBRITY GHOST STORIES last night and her retelling of a paranormal encounter got to me because her reaction was specific and personal, not generic or ironic.

10) Which year produced better horror movies: 1977 or 1981? Why?

1977. In two words – SUSPIRIA, yo.

11) What the eff is up with those French and their crazy horror flicks?

You will squander your salad years trying to figure out the French. As long as they keep refilling your water glass and coming across with the baguettes, smile knowingly.

12) What's your favorite Animals Run Amok movie?

THE KILLER SHREWS, natch.

13) If Jason Voorhees is on a train heading east at 80mph and Leatherface is on a train heading west at 65mph…why the hell would anyone ever watch Rob Zombie's Halloween?

For the same reason I watched it – to inflate my own ego.

14) What are your funereal wishes?

After death, I would like to be put into a simple pine coffin and lowered into the mossy New England soil. I really want to rot.

15) Why do I have such a fondness for Shelley Hack? It's not like she's really done much to deserve it, but there it is.

She has a schoolmarm severity in the way she handles Rupert Pupkin that is beguiling in a low watt dominatrix kind of way. We want her to dominate us in a cream pantsuit. We want to smell the Nescafe on her breath as she berates and belittles us.

16) You're on a sinking ghost ship that's being piloted by a witch. What are your last words?

After I clear customs, I’ll see you in Hell!

17) Asking about your funereal wishes and your last words means nothing, I swear.

Use it, don’t use it.

18) Do you know where I can get some lye?

I’ve never gone wrong with www.KillthePopeofGreenwichVillageYourself.com

19) Weren't you glad when THAT JERK in THAT HORROR MOVIE got what was coming to him?

I loved that character. The wind went out of that movie’s sails when he or she died.

20) Overall, what’s your favorite era of horror films?

The 30s. If only this Depression would inspire such genius.

21) Would you rather be:
1) a vampire
2) a witch/warlock
3) a werewolf
4) a Frankenstein (and yes, I know technically it’s “Frankenstein’s monster” but “a Frankenstein” sounds better)
5) a Jaws

2) a witch/warlock: Sorcerers have it all. They set their own hours, wear what they like, and when they paw a woman’s breasts it’s religion.

22) If you could turn back time- if you could find a way- would you take back those words that hurt me, so I’d stay?

No, because those words were really funny! You should have seen the look on your face!

23) What's something you want people to know about you or your blog that I didn't ask?

That reading my reviews helps Haiti.
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Big thanks to Arbogast! Kids, if you're a horror blogger and you want to be featured here, then read and find out how. Meanwhile, keep your dial set to Final Girl for another exciting episode of...THE BLOGGENAIRES!

Bloggenaire: Tim Lucas, Video WatchBlog

As I know you hang on my every word here at Final Girl, there's no doubt you recall me putting forth the call for a little social experiment last week. See, I made up a bunch of questions for my horror bloggin' brothas and sistas to answer, and I was all "If you want me to send you the questions just ask, and then you can answer them, and then I'll feature you on FG!" To my surprise, people have heeded the call! We ARE the world, my friends. If you want in, you can still get in...just follow what the French call "Les Instructions".

Now let's kick off this Bloggenaire feature with the mighty Tim Lucas of Video WatchBlog. Yes, that Tim Lucas!



1) What's the key moment that led you to click that "Start Your Blog" button?

I was impressed with what my friend Stephen R. Bissette was accomplishing with his MYRANT blog, and he told me that, for him, it was a morning rev-up exercise; he did all his blogging before breakfast and it gave him increased stamina and productivity throughout the day. He encouraged me to blog. The same day I started taking his encouragement to heart, the pun "WatchBlog" occurred to me. After that, I couldn't NOT do it.

2) Please describe your blog in no more than 3 sentences. You must include the words / phrases "morbid", "aesthetic", and "electromagnetic".

It's analogous to the impulse purchase; it's the impulse aesthetic write-up. It's more personal than my writing for VIDEO WATCHDOG, giving full vent to my electromagnetic personality, enough to be expressive but hopefully stopping short of becoming morbid. So there.

3) Bearing in mind that opinions are subjective (except mine because I'm always right), do you enjoy movies that are generally considered "bad"? Why or why not?

To me, bad movies are like another seasoning on the spice rack. Just like I have moods when I want to watch something scary or funny, inspiring or stupid, sometimes it's useful to contrast high art with something woefully or amusingly incompetent -- didn't someone once say that, without bad taste, there'd be no taste at all? Actually, it's not impossible to find good ideas or a haunting image in an overall piece of crap. Some of my most rewarding viewing experiences have come out of taking another look at movies or directors whose work initially repelled me. Very often the fault lies with us and our set ways of looking at things. One of my main concepts as a critic is that no one sets out to make a bad movie. Just because most people think a movie is bad does not mean I have to respect their opinion; most people also pick who runs our country.

4) Did you know that there exists one variety of carnivorous parrot? It's true. They live in the mountains of New Zealand, and they eat the fat surrounding the kidneys of sheep- WHILE THE SHEEP ARE ALIVE. It's horrible.

Wow.

5) What's the one- ONE- horror movie you love so much you want to stick it down your pants?

I love a lot of horror movies that wouldn't provoke that particular reaction. If I had to pick one - ONE - that would, I guess it would be Fellini's TOBY DAMMIT. That wildly careening Ferrari would probably feel pretty good down there.

6) Adrienne Barbeau. Discuss.

Sassy, stacked, authoritative actress of Armenian descent, especially adept (I find) at comedy and supporting roles. I like her, I've seen her naked, but she's curiously lacking that X factor that would make me want to -- to pick a handy simile of approval -- stick her down my pants. I know lots of folks feel otherwise, and that should keep her plenty busy.

7) Why should people bother to read your blog?

Not only is it twice award-winning, it's free, and people usually pay to read what I think. Truth be told, I have actually given more to my blog than I've given to most of my paying gigs.

8) Where does Jigsaw get all the money he needs to build all those traps and buy all that warehouse space? Better yet, does he have some sort of engineering background? He must, right, if he designs all that crap?

He manages a Home Depot on the side. His father designed the Mouse Trap game for Milton Bradley, so it's in his genes. No, not in his jeans -- his GENES.

9) Several theories regarding the reasons why people would subject themselves to watching horror films (when they're so, you know, traumatic) exist. Of the following, which is closest in line with your feelings on and reactions to the genre? Feel free to elaborate. Or don't, see if I care.

a) RELIEF THEORY: The unpleasant feelings of distress cause more stimulating feelings of relief when the unpleasantness passes- the stressed arousal caused by fear becomes pleasurable arousal later on.
b) CONTINUOUS REWARD: The excitement felt during the film is the appeal in and of itself.
c) SOCIAL THEORIES:
1) Stereotypical gender roles are reinforced: men act as protectors, women need protection.
2) Violating social norms- watching "deviant" entertainment- is exciting.
3) Experiencing heightened emotions with others makes us feel like we "belong" and we're truly part of a group.

I think the real hardcore horror fans are subconsciously using them to deal with some layer of subconscious, unprocessed pain. Everyone expresses that pain differently -- as anger, as a quest for strange beauty, as fetish eroticism. I grew up with a dead father and single mother, who happened to be schizophrenic, and without a stable home. I moved from one abusive foster home to another between the ages of 4 and 8. So I think I was thrown in the deep end at birth, and familiar with monsters from the git-go; the movies gave me the space to better understand and sympathize with their monstrosity. I also had an inborn sense of offbeat aesthetics (to return to that manditory word); the first picture I ever took with a camera, I turned the camera on it's side. I was three and I invented the Dutch angle. Horror movies present and formulate kinds of beauty you can't find anywhere else.

10) Which year produced better horror movies: 1977 or 1981? Why?

My first answer to that question would be 1966. My second answer would be 1981, probably because the MPAA rating system became less intrusive around that time, and because filmmakers had been liberated by the arrival of the "unrated" option. I'm thinking specifically of that great influx of Fulci movies that was happening around then. Also, by 1981, home video was starting to explode so you could actually see movies you'd only heard of before. BLOOD FEAST and THE CORPSE GRINDERS, for example.

Tim Lucas: blogger, thoughtful fellow

11) What the eff is up with those French and their crazy horror flicks?

I'm sure it's something to do with snails and Bataille. Actually le fantastique originated with the French, so they have simultaneously taken the genre conceptually farther than anyone, while at the same time having less money to spend than anyone, so they give us a bizarre mutant head cheese of horror. But I will never stop kissing their feet for giving us Édith Scob, Joelle Coeur and Myriem Roussel, among so many autres.

12) What's your favorite Animals Run Amok movie?

A tie: ZAZIE DANS LE METRO, or the opening titles of The Banana Splits Show.

13) If Jason Voorhees is on a train heading east at 80mph and Leatherface is on a train heading west at 65mph…why the hell would anyone ever watch Rob Zombie's Halloween?

They're kegged up, unable or uninterested in following a new story, and will gladly sub tits and blood.

14) What are your funereal wishes?

No men allowed. I want only the women who loved me to attend, and I want three songs played: Françoise Hardy's "Le Danger","Jill's America" from ONCE UPON A TIME IN THE WEST, and -- as I'm carried away -- "Telstar" by The Tornadoes.

15) Why do I have such a fondness for Shelley Hack? It's not like she's really done much to deserve it, but there it is.

Because she uses Charlie.

16) You're on a sinking ghost ship that's being piloted by a witch. What are your last words?

"Wait! I still haven't seen LONDON AFTER MID-glubglubglub...!"

17) Asking about your funereal wishes and your last words means nothing, I swear.

I was actually reading more into the Shelley Hack question.

18) Do you know where I can get some lye?

I lead a sheltered life, honeychile. I don't even know where you can get laid.

19) Weren't you glad when THAT JERK in THAT HORROR MOVIE got what was coming to him?

As much as I enjoyed him, I was so glad when Bill Paxton finally shut up in ALIENS.

20) Overall, what’s your favorite era of horror films?

The 1960s. Not just because I grew up in them, but because the genre grew up in them.

21) Would you rather be:
1) a vampire
2) a witch/warlock
3) a werewolf
4) a Frankenstein (and yes, I know technically it’s “Frankenstein’s monster” but “a Frankenstein” sounds better)
5) a Jaws

I don't want to drink blood, I do what has to be done to keep hair off my face, and I don't want to smell dead and never change clothes. I do read tarot cards and Doctor Strange comics, and I like to swim, so either 2 or 5. Ideally, I'd alternate days, 'cause I wouldn't want to swim all the time. In a pinch, I'd settle for 2.

22) If you could turn back time- if you could find a way- would you take back those words that hurt me, so I’d stay?

That depends, Stacie. If you could reach the stars, would you give them all to me - and love me, love me like you used to do?

23) What's something you want people to know about you or your blog that I didn't ask?

I actually blog very little these days.

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Big thanks to Mr. Lucas! Kids, keep your dial set to Final Girl for another exciting episode of...THE BLOGGENAIRES!