Entries Tagged 'friday the 13th' ↓

Sit right back and you'll hear the tale of...


She may not have been THEEEE first victim in the Friday the 13th series, but good ol' Annie (Robbi Morgan) was certainly the first victim to let audiences know that hey, this is Friday the effing 13th, and it ain't no Halloween.

We first meet the impossibly adorable, impossibly perky Annie when she strolls into town bearing a giant backpack and a smile. She asks some locals how much farther it is to Camp Crystal Lake, a query that earns her some decidedly "Bitch, please." looks from everyone within earshot.

Undaunted, Annie hops into Enos's truck for a ride closer to her final destination (pun totally intended). Rather than heed the trucker's cries of "Quit!" or Crazy Ralph's cries of "It's got a death curse!" warning her about Camp Blood, Annie climbs into Mrs. Voorhees's Jeep of Doom to continue her journey.

Annie begins to talk excitedly about her upcoming stint as the camp's cook- it's long been her dream to work with children (not kids- that makes them sound like little goats) and she just can't wait to get to Camp Crystal Lake! You know Mrs. Voorhees had a fucking vice grip on the steering wheel the whole time, thinking to herself, "If you love children so much then WHY DID YOU LET MY JASON DROWN 20 YEARS AGO?"

When the Jeep of Doom zips on by the turnoff for camp, Annie begins to think things might be a bit hinky.

After her suggestion that the driver...you know, stop driving the wrong way is met with the pedal pressed to the metal, Annie knows that something's hinky and she takes a leap outta dat Jeep. Go, Annie, go!

Hobbling admirably on a twisted ankle, Annie heads into the woods in an attempt to escape the driver, who's now become her pursuer. Unfortunately, Annie trips one too many times; plaid meets plaid in a battle to the death! Okay, it's not so much a battle as it is one person ignoring pleas for mercy and opting to make with le slash-slash.





Friday the 13th is now roughly 30 years old (holy crapping crap) and though it may not seem so shocking nowadays, scenes like this one made the film groundbreaking. It wasn't the first slasher flick, but Friday's graphic violence set it apart from its predecessors and marked it as the first true entry in the slasher cycle. Subtlety and artistry were gone, and explicit gore was in. Friday the 13th was crass, silly...and yes, it was scary. As far as I'm concerned, it's still all of those things three decades on. R.I.P. Annie!

Mmm-hmm child, I'm talking' 'bout...


As her pal Robin (Elizabeth Kaitan) notes, she and Maddy arrive at a house on Crystal Lake to have a good time. Unfortunately, Robin also notes that if Maddy wants any attention from boys, she'll need "a little touch-up work". Maddy is rightfully insulted and, after watching Robin cavort with one of said boys, marches upstairs.

Maddy intends to prove Robin wrong by...well, by proving her right. The makeup comes out, the glasses come off, the clothes are changed, and the results cause Maddy to exclaim to no one but her own reflection, "Need a little touch-up work my ass!"

Maddy. I admire your l'esprit de kiss my ass, but let's be honest: you just spent an awful lot of time giving yourself a little touch-up. Apparently the process involved hours of putting on lipstick.


And that's okay! The results are nice, in a terribly '80s sort of way.

Anyway, despite the fact that she goes upstairs for Extreme Maddy Makeover, she ends up downstairs when she's finished, completely bypassing the party. Hearing a noise, she ventures outside into the woods (duh) and promptly loses an earring. She soon finds it, exclaiming "Thank God!" If it was indeed Divine Intervention that led her to her missing piece of clip-on jewelry, then we can only hope that He will intervene when Maddy's straits are far more dire.

SPOILER: He doesn't.

A body falls from a tree right in front of Maddy's eyes; surely the scene is a little blurry to her- she left her glasses inside, after all- but as the body heralds the arrival of Jason Voorhees, Maddy knows to beat feet.

She hides in a shed, and though she's smart enough to take off her high heels, she's still doomed. Jason's soggy arms bust through what's apparently a balsa wood wall, and Maddy meets his friend Mr. Sharpie Farm Implement. While her death takes place off-screen, there's still a moment of shock here: that's not a dress she's wearing, but a skirt and crop top!

Poor Maddy. No one got to see her lovely transformation. Oh well. At least she died young and left a beautiful corpse! R.I.P. Maddy!

Welcome to the newest feature here at Final Girl, wherein we explore the unfortunate people who meet the business ends of Jason Voorhees's killing implements...and those of his momma and Roy the paramedic, for that matter. Let's meet our first victim!


We first meet the sassy Fox (Gloria Charles) and her biker gang cronies as they instigate a convenience store run-in with Vera and Shelly. Fox refuses to return Shelly's velcro wallet until Vera shows her some r-e-s-p-e-c-t. Respect is big in the world of hooligans, and when Vera complies with a reluctant "May I please have the wallet...ma'am?", Fox hands over the wallet without even taking the cash. Perhaps, much like Sears, Fox has a softer side.

What's most delightful about this sequence, however- well, besides the store clerk informing Vera that they "don't take no food stamps"- is the moment when Fox looks directly into the camera...then she tries really hard to avoid looking at the camera as the scene plays out.

The bikers later head to Camp Crystal Lake for a little payback-flavored shenanigans. Fox decides to check out the barn while her cohorts siphon gas to use as accelerant; yes, by "shenanigans" I mean "arson".

Anyway, upon entering the barn, Fox immediately mutters a wide-eyed "Whoa". She's overcome with a child-like wonder at such mundane items as old boots and an ancient, empty canteen. When she finds the hay loft and swings outside, declaring "This feels GOOOOOD!", one cannot help but think that if Fox had been able to take advantage of The Fresh Air Fund as a youth, her life may have turned out differently.

Alas, her barn-related joy was not to be for long. Off-screen, Fox encounters Jason and spends her last moments impossibly impaled on a rafter by a pitchfork.

Really, it's pretty impossible. Her feet are a good foot off the floor...how exactly did Jason get her up there like that? Eh, it's not for me to question. R.I.P. Fox!

Happy Friday the 13th, everyone! Hooray. As I'd already done a Friday-flavored Awesome Movie Poster Friday, I wasn't hopeful that there'd be much more material out there for me to mine. Ha HA, I laugh in my own face. There's plenty of Voorhees weirdness all the world 'round! And I do mean weird...some of this stuff...I just don't get it.

While I truly despised the recent remake, I will say the posters associated with it are truly outrageous awesome.

I've talked alot about jerks here at Final Girl. Usually I'm referring to people who disagree with my opinions or don't like the things I like or something- you know, Paul Reiser fans and the such. After all, this is The Internet, and therefore anyone who doesn't think exactly as I do is a jerk.

Today, however, I want to focus on horror movie jerks. I've talked about those in the past as well, but never have I written...


Yes, my friends, there are many varieties. I'd like to get a few guidelines out of the way first: first and foremost, I'm talking about the jerks who are essentially a part of the protagonist's posse. It goes without saying that the bad guys are jerks- I mean, they kill people; and sometimes the villains have lackeys who definitely cross from expected bad guy jerkiness into wicked bad guy jerkiness- Mr. Straker, I'm looking at you. In the interests of this guide, however, the discussion is relegated to secondary characters who are purportedly on the side of "good". There, glad that's settled.



I love Annie from John Carpenter's Halloween. Perhaps it was a steady diet of "Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions" when I was young, I don't know...but whatever the reason, I generally love a smart and/or sassy mouth, especially when the person wielding said mouth is cranky (see also: Barbeau, Adrienne - Ed.). Mayhaps it's all rebellion against my 5th grade Social Studies teacher, Mrs. Nickerson, who told me that "Nobody likes sarcasm!" as I was getting in trouble for...well, for having a smart mouth borne of a steady diet of "Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions". I beg to differ, Mrs. Nickerson! I love sarcasm and I love Annie Brackett, even though she's kind of a jerk to her friends and the children she babysits...although I Lindsay kind of deserved it. Wait, what was I talking about again? Ah yes, the jerk you're smiling at despite the jerkiness, and you're kind of bummed when they die.


Friends, this variety of jerk is perhaps the most rare. Moments within their walking onscreen, you can generally tell into which category a horror movie character will fall: The Joker, The Slut, The Final Girl, etc (this is doubly true for slasher flicks). Unless there's a total a-hole making an appearance, The Joker is usually The Jerk. You'd think this was the case with Ted in Friday the 13th, Part 2...but then somehow, the goofy guy ends up not as goofy as you thought he'd be, you realize he's not a jerk at all, and guess what? He lives until the end of the movie. Coincidence? You decide! (the answer is no. - Ed.)


Oh lawd, how I loathe that Harry Cooper! He and Ben bicker throughout Night of the Living Dead- each trying to be Alpha Dog, each has wildly diverging ideas on how the group of survivors should deal with the oncoming zombies. Thing is, Ben is all cool and level-headed while Harry is all sweaty and yell-y and mean to his wife....in other words, he's a jerk. However, his plan- that they barricade themselves in the basement and wait for help- wasn't so bad. In fact, the group's numbers whittle down until it's just Ben left alive, at which time he implements Harry's plan and survives the night (and then the posse of jerks kills him anyway, so who are the monsters? - Ed.). Maybe if Mr. Cooper had been a bit nicer about expressing his ideas, none of them would have become zombie chow. That wouldn't have solved The Problem With Karen, but still.



Like the white trash gross family in Friday the 13th Part V: A New Beginning, this variety of jerk is incessantly annoying. They're loud, or they look like they smell, or they're stupid (or they're some combination of all three), and from the moment they appear you simply cannot wait for them to die so they will just shut the eff up and you will no longer have to look at them. (I like how the teeth of the F13-5 family are only rotten at the gumline. - Ed.)


I think it would probably be misery to hang around with Shelly from Friday the 13th Part 3. Come on- those "practical jokes" would be old before they even start. He's dull and kind of whiny and he's awkward, but I feel bad labeling him a jerk (even though truly, he is one) because he doesn't fit in and he just wants some friends and who's never felt that way at some point in his or her life? (not me, certainly...how dare you insinuate, madame! - Ed.) However, as I start to feel sorry for Shelly, he goes and calls Vera a bitch because she doesn't want to sleep with him, but she was really nice about it and didn't deserve it. Jerk!


Oh my, yes. These are the jerks with the guns, or the key to the truck, or something else that gives them the tiniest edge in the fight against whatever horror movie villain everyone's facing. (see also: the security guard in the Dawn of the Dead remake - Ed.) He uses his advantage as a last grasp at power in the face of the coming chaos, torturing and threatening everyone else along the way...sometimes even calling them names! Obsessed with maintaining control, this jerk will often put himself and everyone else in jeopardy with foolhardy actions just because they all said he shouldn't and HE'S THE BOSS. Captain Rhodes of Day of the Dead is such a power-mad jerk that he even tries bossing the zombies around, commanding them to choke on his legs as they eat him.


This douchebag jerk will do anything for a promotion or money. When push comes to shove, they'll push and/or shove you out of the way to get to the lifeboat. Resorting to inhumane behavior to save their own skin, they use allies as human shields (see also: Dr. Crews in Friday the 13th Part VII - Ed.), shut doors in people's faces, refuse to open doors no matter how much the person on the other side screams...they'll do anything to survive. They're the slimy snakes of the world of the horror movie jerk, and I CAN'T BELIEVE I PUT A PICTURE OF PAUL REISER ON FINAL GIRL but Burke is a shining example of Jerk #7, so there you go. (I can't believe you put a picture of Paul Reiser on Final Girl. - Ed.) I hate him with the white-hot intensity of a thousand sunburns like the one I got when I went to volleyball camp in 10th grade. (You went to volleyball camp? - Ed.)


Franklin, Franklin, Franklin. The king of all horror movie jerks- he certainly qualifies as several varieties, no? He's extremely irritating, yet for a few moments here and there you feel bad for hating him: the dude is in a wheelchair, clearly envious of the bipedariffic frolicking of his sister and her friends. ("bipedariffic" is a scientific term. - Ed.) He has a miserable life, but then he chooses to make the lives of everyone else around him- including the audience- miserable as well. Plus, he's sweaty and he clearly smells like sausage.

There you go, a little primer on Horror Movie Jerks. What did we learn today, friendos?

• If you have need of a good horror movie jerk, watch any George Romero or Friday the 13th movie. Jerks abound!
• Jerks always get what's coming to them. So much time is spent making the viewer side against this person that they're practically filled with bloodlust by the time the jerk gets killed. Seriously, when people are rooting for the mass murderer instead of you, you may want to rethink how you interact with your fellow human beings.
• Don't be a jerk!