Entries Tagged 'Ebola' ↓

“You’re all going to die down here…”

Hold on to your pants, 'cause I've got some shocking news for you: someday, you're going to die. Don't worry- we all are...yes, even me (most likely). Now, this is not something we humans especially enjoy thinking about. In fact, it's only by ignoring our inevitable expiration dates that we can function on a day to day basis. In other words, it's good to have a touch of that "I'm fucking invincible!" attitude, lest you spend your days curled up in a corner alternately sobbing, fretting, and pondering the great beyond.

I'm not saying that one shouldn't reflect now and again, don't get me wrong. Isn't that why some of us watch horror films? To safely experience death? That's what people say, anyway, and maybe it's partially true. After all, it's good to be aware of The End, 'cause maybe that awareness will make you appreciate The Now. Isn't that what everyone always says after some sort of tragedy? "Wow, 10 zillion people died in that natural disaster halfway around the world. It really makes you think- I could die at any moment! I'm totally going to carpe fucking diem!" While the intentions may be honorable, however, folks tend to carpe fucking diem for a few days at a time max- then it's back to bitching about the weather, making fun of other people's clothes, not calling one's friends and family, playing "me first!" in the parking lot, staring at the TV, or spending hours writing on some horror blog. It's natural- if you actually lived every day as if it were your last, you'd probably be exhausted.

This is all an overly-effusive introduction to what's perhaps a banal question: What's the least pleasant type of horror movie death? Let's figure that out. See, it's almost fun to talk about death within the confines of fakery and fantasy, whereas the reality of death is, you know, a drag. To wit:
  • death by Ebola: possible, drag
  • death by zombies: most likely impossible, fun
Incidentally, I think that being torn asunder by zombies whilst alive would really really suck, and that's what gets my vote for the worst. Weigh in with your votes in the comments, and then go for a walk.


VHS Week, Day 3: Demon of Paradise

As you may have noticed, I review a lot of movies here at Final Girl. Some of these movies are made of awesome, some are made of lame...this is to be expected. You take the good, you take the bad...you take them both and there, my friends, you have the facts of life. It's a rare film that crosses my path, however, that is so bad that I want to go back in time and stop myself from pushing play on the VCR. Even more rare is the film that makes me want to go back in time and stop myself from seeing the movie on the shelf...or further back in time so I can stop the filmmakers from beginning production. Or even further back so I can prevent the filmmakers' parents from having "intimate" "relations" so I can ensure the film will never get made.

This is how I feel about the 1987 Creature from the Black Lagoon wannabe Demon of Paradise.

Blah blah blah legend of prehistoric underwater lizard-man Akua blah blah oh no, he's really real blah blah blah let's follow the standard animal attack movie formula: we can't cancel the annual Parade Festival blah blah blah the scienceologist will save the day blah blah fucking blah.

Trust me, that description is way more exciting than what happens on screen. What happens on screen? NOTHING. So much nothing that when I looked over at one point and my viewing pals were asleep, I thought that maybe I was actually the one who fell asleep and I was having the most boring dream ever dreamed.

Let's take a look at some of the things I wrote whilst taking notes for this review:
  • Reporter = die, please
  • nothing happens. nothing happens some more. badly acted nothings happen.
  • music = horrendous, always inappropriate
  • more nothing happening = kill myself
  • testing my resolve as a human being to overcome adversity and boredom
  • why won't it end?
  • hell = this
  • when will it end?
Finally, it did end and I was left feeling like I'd just completed ten tours of 'Nam. Demon of Paradise was so bad then when the credits finally rolled I nearly went apoplectic, ranting and flipping it off so hard I'm surprised my middle finger didn't explode. There's no doubt that in those few moments, I could have legally been deemed a fire hazard- such was the white-hot intensity of my rage. I'm only shocked that lasers didn't shoot out of my eyeballs.

Oh, how Demon of Paradise angried up my blood! Why did Satan himself have to shit this movie into existence? Why did I have to see it in the 3-for-$5 bin at Video Hut? Why did the filmmakers not realize that a man in a rubber suit popping up out of the water every once in a while to wave at people off camera does not induce terror? Why did it have to be so boring that I couldn't even laugh at the waving monster?

Clearly, Demon of Paradise hates me as much as I hate it.

Originally, I didn't even want to bring the tape home with me: I really, really don't want this movie in my house. Since last night, however, I've reconsidered that stance and I think some good may actually come from this steaming pile of dook.

Some outreach program should take Demon of Paradise to all the Ebola clinics of the world and show one-minute clips to patients. Then they can say "See, Ebola patient? Your internal organs are liquifying and your face is being eaten away, but at least you don't have to endure the other 86 minutes of Demon in Paradise!", to which the Ebola sufferers will say "Hooray! I may have Ebola, but clearly my life could be a lot worse!"