Entries Tagged 'ludlow' ↓

one thousand

Dear y'all,

So this is it, my big 1000th post. Though I really have nothing profound to say (shock), I couldn't let the moment pass by without acknowledging it somehow. I marked the occasion of my 500th post with a rather lengthy entry describing Final Girl's humble roots and highlighting a few of my favorite posts. Wow, I just noticed that my 500th hit on November 20, 2007- almost two years ago to the day. That's surely significant of something...? Probably not. Anyway, what's happened in the two years since my last major milestone?

Since post #500...

...I think we can all agree that one of the best things that's happened around here has been the introduction of Briefcase Woman, who came along one fine day in May, 2008 to demonstrate the joys that can be had when one votes. Since then, she's spread her enthusiasm all over this blog like...like...well, let's honor her origins and vote for an apt simile, shall we?


...the Final Girl Film Club keeps chugging along, powered by the awesomeness of The Internet. We've covered a whopping 18 films since post 500, and there's no sign of stopping yet. Next up: The Wicker Man on December 14. What movies would you like to nominate for FGFC coverage? Before you answer, take a quick peek at my reviews archive to make sure I haven't already reviewed it.

...I made a movie- a few, really. Ludlow will be ready for mass consumption soon, a thought that's as terrifying as it is metaphorical boner-inducing.

...I've written 85 columns for AMC (holy crapping crap) and I've started contributing to Rue Morgue magazine. Both make me feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

...this little site just keeps on keepin' on, mostly business as usual. Reviews, stupid pictures, blah blah blah. As you know, I love Final Girl more than Donkey Kong loves throwing barrels at plumbers. While I could write exclusively for myself and be somewhat satisfied (being an only child grants me a +15 to both mana regeneration and my ability to entertain myself) (sorry, I've been playing Dragon Age: Origins) (it's so fucking awesome)...well, it wouldn't be the same without you guys reading it. Again, I say hooray!

Okay, now tell me what's been your favorite post or feature or whatevs here on Final Girl so I feel pretty.

What? I'm allowed to fish for ego-stroking compliments every 500 posts, that's the rule I made up.

Here's to 10,000 more posts! HUZZAH!

so i made a movie: LIP STICK, part one

No, Shannon Lark and I aren't done making stuff yet. Yes, I'm still working on Ludlow. Being a one-woman band can be taxing, but it's neat to wear cymbals between one's knees.

Sorry, I need more coffee.

SHANNON LARK: With all the ballyhoo over Ludlow, Voyeur, and the 100 million other things that Stacie Ponder and I collectively have going on (ahh, the life of an artist), I suddenly realized while eating chocolate chip ice cream last night that we haven't even begun the wonderful journey of reporting on our first co-directorial feat: Lip Stick....

This wonderful little film came about when Stacie was developing the script for Ludlow. Never having worked together before, we felt (at least I did) that throwing out ideas into the open will help the creative errr...juices get flowing.

That's right- that's how SHE felt. Here she was, this girl I barely knew- some actor for crying out loud- flapping her gums and throwing around all these "ideas".

Okay, fine...so I invited her ideas and I threw mine her way before I'd written anything. It was a strange way for me to put together a script, this "collaboration", but I loved having someone to really bounce ideas off of, even if mine often made no sense. And look! We got a whole 'nother script out of it.

SHANNON LARK: I had this idea that maybe the main character should be a chronic masturbator. I emailed Stacie in a flurry, all flushed in the face with excitement. From there I launched into an entire story about a woman who can't stop masturbating, with a serious case of vagina dentata on the brain.

I know, I know. This sounds like a porn. Actually, it sounds like a great porn, but the script actually is really, really fucked up- ie: my kinda horror movie.

Stacie humored me for a while, but I soon realized that this is a story I should take and run with, and might not be suitable for Ludlow.

STACIE PONDER: I am not one to question the whimsies of Shannon Lark (if chronic masturbation can truly be called a "whimsy")- it just...yeah, it wasn't the right...err, track to explore with the way Ludlow was coming together. If your main character is a CHRONIC masturbator, then that really needs to be addressed in the script, in my opinion. It's not quite like making your character chew gum all the time, which may only prompt a "Oh, I guess she really enjoys gum!" from the audience; if the lead is masturbating almost all the time, you should probably mention why she's constantly gettin' her diddle on,you know?

That said, I could see that Shannon was enthusiastic about this character tic, so I suggested she take it and run with it (boy, did she)...but that if she really wanted her character to masturbate in Ludlow, I'd work it in somehow.

Yes, this is the way we operate.

So I wrote it up as a script, investigating how the story of vagina dentata is just about as old as jesus. It's been told throughout every culture, in some form or another, to keep boys away from strange women who might trap them with their feminine devices. It's classic. It's timeless. It's VAGINA DENTATA!!

STACIE PONDER: It's fun for the whole family!

Sorry, that's...really wrong.

SHANNON LARK: After a failed shoot in Oklahoma City due to finances, in early July I still had no idea how the hell I was going to get this film shot. I considered using the film crew around where I live, but then I realized how much masturbating I was going to be doing, and I decided against it. The neighborhood kid down the street doesn't need to be on a set like that, you know?

STACIE PONDER: Or does he?

SHANNON LARK: Ludlow came and went, and Stacie and I were forever changed and bound in sinners blood (and tuna juice).

Okay, stop. Just to clear the air, she really means tuna juice. Like, juice from a tuna. A tuna fish. Juice. She spilled tuna juice all over one of the beds in our little room at the Ludlow Motel, and it stank up the place. Then later I spilled peperoncini juice all over the crotch of my pants, and that stank up the place even more. Sometimes having a cast of, at most, three and a crew of one is a good thing.

SHANNON LARK: We shot Voyeur in San Francisco, and throughout all the ridiculous amount of technical difficulties and rampantly loose car brakes, we came out OKAY. It dawned on me right before I went on a trip to LA that Stacie and I could do this movie together. We practically made a feature in 2 days, so what could possibly stop us from making Lip Stick with absolutely no money? I milled it over with Stacie and we agreed to co-direct the film.

STACIE PONDER: It's never stopped me before, that's for sure. I've never had a budget over a whopping low-4 figures, and before Ludlow, I kept things within the $50 range. SHOCKING, I know.

I've never "co-directed" anything before, but Shannon and I had already established a very collaborative working style, so I figured it would be more of the same- I'd just end up with a fancy credit. But of course I was flattered she wanted to make this movie with me, so I was all, "Yes, please."

Then I did an interview with the Last Blog on the Left, where I acted like a complete nutcase. I was so excited that I was shaking and sweating by the end of the interview. I reached for more coffee and hauled ass on getting the props together. I wanted to bring as much as I could to the table.

After being on the road for about 3 weeks I flew to Burbank and Stacie picked me up at the airport. We were so excited for what was in store: shooting the remainder of Ludlow, Lip Stick, and then off to Death Valley to roast our hair off. I won't go into detail about Ludlow, or Death Valley, because I'm sure we will cover in that in the "So I Made a Movie: Ludlow" series, but know this: IT WAS AWESOME.

STACIE PONDER: Yeah, hmm. I should update people on the happenings Ludlow at some point, I suppose. Until then, yes, I wholeheartedly agree: we ended up having an incredible week of making movies and roasting in the sun and freezing under the moon. I LOVE DEATH VALLEY.

SHANNON LARK: Stacie had recommended we shoot at the Amargosa Opera House, which has a motel connected to it, right outside of Death Valley. Marta Becket owns the Opera House and paints all over the walls: the headboards, bathrooms, ceiling borders, everything! I researched the website and decided on the perfect room. When we arrived to the motel it was f-ing hot, but nothing like what we were going to experience in Death Valley. Stacie had mentioned it was out in the middle of nowhere, but I didn't think there would actually be NOTHING out there. Luckily, the motel had a restaurant attached with a really, really nice waitress who gave us grapes they grew out there. How the hell they were able to grow grapes out there is beyond me. It must have been in a special greenhouse...or something.

STACIE PONDER: Some time ago a friend tipped me off about the Amargosa, how it was this amazing, kind of magical place out by Death Valley, and I'd originally intended to go there to shoot Ludlow. Once that script was finished, though, it was patently obvious that it wouldn't suit my needs- it's a weird place, but not creepy enough...certainly not fleabag-y enough. Though it's in the middle of nowhere (like Shannon said, there's NOTHING around), the building itself doesn't feel isolated, if that makes sense. On top of all that, it's a good 4+ hours away from Los Angeles, and I certainly couldn't ask the other actors to drive out there to shoot for a couple of hours. The Amargosa never left my mind, though, so when Shannon and I started talking about Lip Stick, I threw it out there. I'm just glad she found it as intriguing as I did.

SHANNON LARK: After eating and unpacking the car into the incredibly small room we were shooting in, we immediately set up and got down to business. Our neighbors were definitely in for a treat.:)

of note

Hey! Did you know that AMC is a channel on the tee vee?? It is!

Shocking, but true- it's more than just a place where I post a weekly column. Now, they haven't let me take over the programming for their annual FEARFEST (yet! mua ha ha...eh, who am I kidding?), but that doesn't mean there's not some great stuff coming up to watch. Here's some of the lo-down on what you can expect this month (I LOVE OCTOBER!!!):


This month, AMC presents AMC FEARFEST, the most highly anticipated horror movie marathon of the Halloween season. A celebration of the best in contemporary and classic horror films, AMC FEARFEST features over 50 horror titles, three AMC CELEBRATES events, and interviews with some of Hollywood’s most renowned horror filmmakers. The eight-day marathon airs from October 23 until Halloween Day, October 31 from 7:30am-midnight.

Headlining AMC FEARFEST is a star-studded lineup of acclaimed filmmakers, who will host and introduce the presented films and offer insight on what creates a great horror flick. Among the AMC FEARFEST hosts are on-screen legend Cloris Leachman (Young Frankenstein), actress Margot Kidder (Amityville Horror), award-winning writer/director, George Romero (Night of the Living Dead), actor Lance Henriksen (Aliens and Aliens 3) and special effects producer, Shane Mahan (SFX Creature Effects Aliens).

AMC FEARFEST will also feature three AMC CELEBRATES events, honoring the milestone anniversaries of some of horror’s greatest movies :

· AMC Celebrates Alien 30th Anniversary – Airing Friday, October 23 at 8pm ET.

· AMC Celebrates Young Frankenstein 35th Anniversary – Airing Friday, October 30 at 8pm ET.

· AMC Celebrates The Amityville Horror 30th Anniversary – Airing Friday, October 30 at 10 :30pm ET.

In addition, AMC FEARFEST will include film classics by directors such as Stanley Kubrick, Ridley Scott, Stephen King, James Cameron, John Carpenter, Joss Whedon, Peter Jackson and Brian De Palma, as well as a special Halloween Day Marathon featuring the world premiere of the digitally restored and re-mastered Night of the Living Dead, airing at 6pm ET.

As part of the network’s online promotions of AMC FEARFEST, amctv.com will feature extended video interviews with Romero, Mahan and Henriksen. Also, available will be countless horror-focused trivia quizzes about such classic movie franchises as Alien, Dracula, The Exorcist, Ghostbusters, and Halloween. In addition, online will feature horror-related tournaments, including battles between the ‘Brides of Horror,’ ‘Evil Children,’ ‘Sinister Satans,’ and much more. Finally, the website will also be adding two new fright flicks to its ever-growing online B-Movie catalogue: Werewolves on Wheels and Fiend without a Face.


Neat, huh? I'm psyched to see Margot Kidder getting some love, although all of those "30th Anniversaries" are making me feel wicked wicked OLD.

Here's another startling news fact for you: women make horror movies! Yes, they do! You can catch two of them this weekend at the LA Femme Film Festival:
  • The Commune, written and directed by Elisabeth Fies, is showing Saturday, 10/17 at 4pm
  • The Intervention, co-written and directed by Shannon Hile, is showing Friday, 10/16 at 4pm. It's also playing at Fangoria's Trinity of Terror in Las Vegas over Halloween weekend.
And you can take a peek at Haunting Kira, the forthcoming directorial debut from FX mistress Teresa Fahs, by checking out the teaser trailer.

Speaking of women who make horror movies, yes...I'm still plugging away at Ludlow, tweaking it here and there and getting feedback from respected sources. It's amazing- sometimes shaving off only a few seconds in a shot can make a huge difference in the big picture. I'm also cobbling together some behind the scenes goodies...and when it's all complete, I need to figure out what I'm gonna do with the damn thing. I'll be sure to let you know, as I know you've been wringing your hands in anticipation for what seems like forever! To help tide you over, I quickly threw together a wee poster- that's a still from the movie, y'all!

Speaking of me and the things I've directed...did you vote for They Won't Stay Fed! 15 times today? Thanks-a-plenty.


Tease: I've also got another mock trailer in the works, which I'm hoping to post up by Halloween...and that's all I'm gonna say about that. Wait, no it's not: for once, I may actually use it as the basis for a feature film. Gasp, shock, awe, etc. etc.

this is not my movie

Think on back with me, child, to that magical long-ago time called "earlier this week" when I reviewed a little sumpin' sumpin' called Cathy's Curse. Wasn't that a great day? It sure was. Unless I'm thinking about last week, when I had some frozen yogurt...or was that yesterday? Eh, I have no clue. My days tend to mush all together to form a big blob of amorphous solid (not unlike silly putty), only broken up by occasional trips to my mailbox or, when I'm feeling particularly wicked, the local branch of the library. But! I am not here to blather on and on about my glamourous life, no- I'm here to talk about...wait, what am I here to talk about?

Oh yeah! So listen, Cathy's Curse was a selection from my awesome 50-pack of Chilling Classics (or, as the package is labeled, "CHILLLING CLASSICS"), right? And when I took it out of my DVD player, guess what I noticed! I noticed that the B-side to Cathy's Curse is a little sumpin' sumpin' called The Demons of Ludlow. Imagine my surprise! Go on, imagine it. IMAGINE IT I SAY.

Now, to those few of you who're all, "What's the big effing deal about a movie called The Demons of Ludlow?", well, if you'd been paying attention around here you'd know that I recently made a movie called Ludlow. So now you know what the big effing deal is...and you, too, can imagine my surprise!

Reading the synopsis of the 1983 film clued me in that it has nothing in common with my movie, save a bit of the title...but still, I had to size up my competition in my quest to claim the sweet, sweet Ludlow pie.

I'm sorry, that doesn't make much sense. I'm gonna tell you right now: none of this post will make much sense because boy oh boy, I'm in a mood. I've been really hyper today, and I've had an inordinate amount of cheese...so there's no telling what might happen. Bear with me...but don't worry, The Demons of Ludlow makes no sense either, so who the frig cares what I write about it?

As the helpful banner indicates, the town of Ludlow is celebrating its bicentennial. It's a right ol' hoe-down!

The Mayor...or whoever he is...gets up to give his little speech about how wonderful it is that Ludlow is one of the oldest settlements- one of the very first!- in the United States. Never mind that by 1783 the entire Eastern seaboard had long been settled already- Ludlow is 200 years old and one of the very first, dammit! When the Mayor claims they're all one big, happy family, it's clear that the crowd enthusiastically agrees. My heart shed a crystalline tear, for I was so very touched by their response.

Anyway, it seems that a descendant of Mr. Ludlow, the town founder, has sent a gift- all the way from England!- to commemorate this momentous occasion. It's a beautiful (not at all tacky) white piano...and when someone busts out a few tunes, the citizens of Ludlow are so fucking dazzled you could just puke.

It's worth noting that this magical white piano sounds an awful lot like a Casio keyboard set to "organ".

Now then, let's meet some of the town's finest, shall we? There's...
  • The Mayor, who we already know...
  • The Writer, who was raised in Ludlow until she was nine- but now she's back and she's nosy and she knows there's something hinky 'bout that piano...
  • The Reverend, who knows that Ludlow has a secret...
  • The Horny Teens, who sneak off to a barn to make out...and make out they do, until a green glowing hand rises out of the ground and...smears hay and chocolate sauce on the girl's stomach ...
  • The Weirdo, who is either mentally ill or mentally retarded (it's never really specified)- either way, she spends a lot of time talking to her POSITIVELY EERIE doll collection...

...which includes Smurfette.

Once the piano is played, bad things start happening in Ludlow- or, at least, bad things kinda happen every twelve minutes or so. Thank goodness the scares were so spaced out, 'cause I don't think my nerves could stand a full 90 minutes of such unrelenting terror! It was hard enough to make it through sequences such as...

The one where a poker floats in the air, takes a swing at The Reverend, and WHIFFS!

Or the one where the piano ekes out a teeny tiny amount of blood!

Or the one where The Weirdo's Mom gets pulled up into the ceiling after a couple of colonial chicks throw a noose around her neck!

Or the one where The Weirdo has a flashback to Ye Olde days, when people engaged in such debauched behavior as eating copious amounts of bread and engaging in powdered wiggery!

It seriously looks like someone from the FX or costume department took a trip to the Halloween Store and stocked up on blood, "witch nails", and "Billy Bob teeth". I am not saying this is a bad thing, I am just saying.

Now, I realize I've made The Demons of Ludlow look like it's jam-packed with action, thrills, and frights so frightening your eyeballs will pee their pants in fright...and while that may be true for the scintillating sequences I've relayed above, the truth of the matter is that this movie is boring with a capital DULL. The Writer tries to piece things together regarding the piano's history and Mr. Ludlow, but she never gets anywhere beyond "He did something and was exiled to England". Meanwhile, The Reverend is concerned that people are dying, but in typical jerk Mayor fashion, The Mayor doesn't want to cancel the parade piano festival just because there are a few dead bodies around. I'm gonna be honest: once this flick hit 59 minutes and I was bored outta my gourd, I hit the FF button, only stopping when it looked like something was happening. I was tired of all the blah blah blah- so sue me! This is the last half hour of The Demons of Ludlow, on speed:

A tree stump explodes- repeatedly- in a shower of fireworks.

The piano plays itself.

Some Three Musketeers-looking dudes show up and cut off The Mayor's head.

The piano loses a leg for no reason and starts to smoke.

This dude shows up.

The Writer is suddenly in Ye Olde Clothes...she runs about Ludlow, encountering colonials with poor dental work everywhere she turns.

The Writer cannot escape because there's some sort of force field around Ludlow...but then a car drives through it- and her- and she's back in her regular clothes.

She falls down, the driver of the car goes to her...freeze frame THE END.

You know that if this movie was so bad it was good, I'd tell you, right? I would, because I'm here to spread the love, friendos. I know you're looking at those pictures up there, thinking that exploding tree stumps are just what you need to cure what ails ya- but trust me, The Demons of Ludlow is only gonna ail ya even worse. For every second of magical sparkles and fireworks, there's ten minutes of nothing. It's a disjointed mess that's a chore to sit through, even on fast forward. Reading this post is all the time you need to spend with this one, I'm sorry to say. And I swear, I'm not just saying that because I want to hog that sweet, sweet Ludlow pie all to myself...

...although I do wish I'd worked an exploding tree stump into my movie somehow.

so i made a movie: LUDLOW, part seven

Catch up on all the previous installments of So I Made A Movie: LUDLOW right here...presented to you in GLORIOUS DETAIL!

Can I get a WOW up in here? I realize that the cliffhanger ending of the last So I Made A Movie: LUDLOW installment has left you in such a worried state that you’ve been clutching your bosoms for months now, wondering if I ever tackled my computer issues and got Ludlow finished, right?
SHANNON LARK: I even know what happened, and I’m still clutching my bosom.
Well, I did. Pretty much. No longer intimidated by the massive, complex interface, I enlisted the help of things known as “books” and an editor friend known as “Brian” (actually that’s his real name, so ignore the quotation marks), and I quickly tackled the fuck out of Final Cut Express. Once I really got the gist of the way it works I started cruising along- then I discovered what the program can REALLY do and I started all over. As I mentioned, I’d only worked with iMovie in the past, and my options with that were extremely limited- basically, the footage you put in is what you’re stuck with, save a few crappy filters. If your footage stinks, your footage stinks and that’s that.
SHANNON LARK: Brian really is his name. I’m not so sure about this “book” thing she keeps referring to.
Knowing that, I shoot WITHOUT a “Well, I’ll just fix it in post…” mentality. I frame scenes the way I want them to look, I do the best I can with lighting, and so on. But given the possibilities with Final Cut, I can think about style in ways I’d never really considered. At the risk of sounding like Princess Jasmine, it’s a whole new fucking world. I mean, this raw footage...

...becomes something else entirely- something I never thought of while we were filming, because I didn't know I could do stuff like this.

It all plays into the weird, dreamy aspects of Ludlow. It's a small, silly, obvious thing, perhaps, but to me it's quite righteous.

That said, it was a slow process. I worked each scene individually, concentrating solely on the visuals and matching cuts. With no color correction, no audio correction, no music, and nothing close to a complete film, I began to worry a bit about the finished product- especially since I was planning a screening of Ludlow in just a few weeks’ time. It was hard to get a feel of what the movie was going to be like; on June 5, less than three weeks until people were going to come to my house to watch the movie, I wrote: “Stricken with another onset of, 'Oh my gahd, this totally fucking sucks.' The comedy-horror comes so easily, but this is tough. Totally feeling discouraged, mostly because the first…oh, seven scenes are so friggin’ quiet. With no music and just a rough cut, it’s difficult to tell whether or not it’ll be…you know, boring. I’m starting to get to the action, though, and I’m feeling better. Still nervous.”
SHANNON LARK: She would call me up and tell me her woes, but I would always reply with “but you’re a badass Stacie, this movie is going to kick serious butt. Look at all we were able to accomplish in 2 days, Final Cut’s got nothin’ on you!” Etc. etc.
All I could do was plug away at it and talk to Shannon for encouragement. I’d send her screen caps or let her know what scene I was working on…Ludlow was filling up my brain, as it had for months. I love editing, so sitting in my little cave ‘round the clock working on the movie was a joy, although I was still unsure if it was any good, or whether I’d be able to finish it in time.

The Final Cut, she is complex. Clicken ze big big.

Though I try to do as much as I possibly can on my own in my movies, one thing I’m not capable of is creating music…despite the fact that I played a mean recorder in 7th grade. Since I cannot use the only songs I remember- the theme from M.A.S.H. and the Oscar Meyer Hot Dog Song- I need to turn to someone else who knows what he or she is doing. I had someone lined up to provide Ludlow with a soundtrack, but that someone…well, flaked out. No music, unreturned phone calls…my deadline was a little over a week away, and I had no fucking music.

I was seriously starting to freak out about that, when all of a sudden I received a magical email; basically, it said, “Hi, I like reading Final Girl and I’m a composer. If you ever need music for one of your films, I’d be happy to help.” That, my friends, is fucking kismet...and to my great relief, I discovered upon listening to his samples that this dude knows what the eff he's doing. I took Mr. James Barry up on his offer faster than you can say “I took Mr. James Barry up on his offer”; as he’s a local, he came by one night and I showed him a rougher-than-rough cut of Ludlow. He took a copy with him on a DVD, and a few days later he had a score for me. A score. A SCORRRRRRE. He came over again and we dropped in some tracks and…mah lord, kids. It was amazing, and it made Ludlow feel like a real fucking movie. It was 100% fitting that it would all come together in this bizarre fashion- it simply wouldn’t be Ludlow if things weren’t effed up and weird, now, would it?
SHANNON LARK: I couldn’t believe that James pulled all that together in like…2 days. He must be made of superhuman stuff, with a big C on his chest. By the way, C is for Composer, get your mind out of the gutter. Sheesh!
I met my deadline. I had my screening (Shannon and I talked about that a bit in So I Made A Movie: VOYEUR), and Ludlow was pretty well-received. The comment I heard over and over again is that Shannon is terrific- yes folks, lo and behold, she can act! She’s really fucking good in this movie. I’m proud of her performance- she makes the movie, as far as I’m concerned- and I can’t wait for everyone in the whole wide world to see it. It’s amazing what’s possible when two girls who just met get drunk together and sign a napkin contract, yeah?
SHANNON LARK: Yeah!! They all said it was good, except for that main actress who can’t really act. But I was too wasted to hear any of that; I had a date with a curtain.
NEXT TIME: The end…and beyond!

the end of the beginning of the end

First off, let me just say that I have no clue what that post title is supposed to mean. Hopefully you can find some sort of deep symbolism or what have you.

Kids, tomorrow's the big day! Which big day, you ask? Well, it's the big day where I head back to Ludlow to finish shooting Ludlow. Hooray! You know what that really means? It means we're all getting to that time when I no longer have to talk incessantly about this damn movie because I will no longer be thinking incessantly about this movie. What a glorious day that shall be!

So, I'll be back in a week's time. Shannon Lark is here (duh...although I did toy with the idea of replacing her with Sarah Chalke for the remaining scenes) (that's a Roseanne reference) (I fucking love me some Roseanne) (seriously, I get trapped when Nick At Nite or whatever shows 50 Roseanne episodes in a row...I can't stop watching) (I'm like a chain smoker except instead of smoking, I'm...you know...watching episodes of Roseanne) and we've got several big big days planned: finishing Ludlow, shooting one of her short films, shooting a trailer for one of my films (ooh la la!) and camping for two days in Death Valley. All that in a week? Pfft...no probs.

However, the average summer temperature in Death Valley is right around one million point three; therefore, if you don't hear from me some time next week, please send a search party out to look for our shriveled-up corpses. Hooray again! HOORAY AGAIN I SAY.

I'd like to give one last round of thanks to everyone who donated, even if you could only spare some kind thoughts. Your generosity is overwhelming, and it's amazing to have people believe in us and this project...and thanks to all of you, the scenes we're adding to the film are the best yet. I just hope you end up liking the finished product...I'd hate to have you embarrassed that your money went to (and your name is attached to) some piece of dook.

Watch lots of horror movies whilst I'm gone!

Oh my lord, I love Briefcase Woman.

Yes, and YOU, Charles Nelson Reilly.

Oh, and YOU, dear readers!

it’s the final countdown!

do do do doooo
do do do do doooo
do do do doooo
do do do do do do doooo
do do doooo
do do doooo
do do do do do do doooo
do dooooooooooooooooo

Umm. What I mean is, I'm fixin' ta head back out to Ludlow in five mere days! Five! Mere! Days!

The scenes to be added have been written, and I'm not exaggerating in the least when I say that the footage WILL MAKE THE MOVIE LONGER.

As this was my intent, I am quite pleased.

The motel room has been reserved...sorta. I drove on out to Good Ol' Luddie a couple of days ago and requested a stay in Room 8 (where we'd originally filmed) next week, only to be told that Room 8 is not being rented at the moment. There's a broken air conditioner and "other problems". I certainly shouldn't be surprised that I've already encountered some sort of difficulty out in that hellish wasteland- really, duh. Doy doy, even. But still, man- fuckin' Ludlow!

I have no idea what's going on in Room 8, but I feel fairly certain that it was built over an Indian burial ground and the dum dum developers only moved the headstones.

Anyway, Shannon and I will soldier on as we do and Ludlow will be in the can in a week's time. That said, this is my final fundraising push! Seriously, you guys have been amazing with the donating. A. Maze. Ing. I'm ever so thankful, and with your help we're going to shoot the most EXTREME MOUNTAIN DEW STYLE scenes yet. I can't wait.

If you haven't given yet and you'd like to, click here to find out how- or just click the Paypal button on yonder right. Please, spread the word in these scintillating final hours!

To further tempt you, don't forget the goodies: the person who donates the most will receive a painting- this you already knew. However, there are now BONUS INCENTIVES! 2- yes, TWO- lucky folks will be chosen at random to receive a special Ludlow-related prize. A prize. Related to Ludlow. Ludlow the town. Prizes from the infamous Chevron station. Prizes that are, in the truest sense of the word, PRIZES. A $10 donation gets your name into the Super Ludlow Prize Raffle AND into the film's credits. That's a win-win if I've ever heard of one, and believe me- I have.

Besides, how can you resist helping out a girl who so clearly enjoys being doused with blood?

won’t you help a sista out?

You will?! Oh, fabulous. It's so easy! All you have to do is:
  1. Head over to AMC and read my latest, all about stuff you should...you know, watch. If you left a comment over there, or clicked "recommend", that would make my editor happy. Trust me, it's horrible when she's NOT happy. I'm not going to say she hits me, but she totally does.
  2. Wish a happy birthday to Chainsaw Mafia honcho (honchette?), Fangoria Spooksmodel, Ludlow staaaah, and all around super lady Shannon Lark.
Shannon Lark: bloody and "with it", yet totally gluten-free

What oh what will you get in return, besides that thrilling feeling one only gets when doing a good cyber-deed? Here's what you'll get: a whopping almost ten minutes of awesomely horrible horribly awesome horriblawesomeness from that craptacular flick I recently reviewed, Don't Go in the Woods...Alone! Finally, after all these few days, you can witness for yourself some of the worst acting in the history of ever- and all for just a few clicks. Hooray for everything!


Alright, people, this is it. As you may well be aware because I won't shut up about it, Ludlow is finished. It's been slapped on a DVD and screened for some friends. In fact, I thought I'd reached a time when it would no longer rule my days and haunt my nights...and I'm sure you all thought you could just watch the fucking thing and be done with it, right? That's nice, in theory, but...

See, the final cut of the film turned out to be a whopping 63 minutes. 63 MINUTES, a result that was rather unexpected, to say the least. After all, the script was only 20 pages.

Now, as you may notice, 63 minutes is quite close to the running time of a feature film, yes? And a wee too long a run time for a comfortable short, yes? Yes. Obviously, this only means one thing: I need to write some more, shoot some more, and make Ludlow longer. I need to expand the elastic waistband on the comfortable short(s) and make this into a feature, which will be easier to get into the grubby mitts of audiences. Stronger, faster, better!

Shannon Lark (ze star) will be back here in Los Angeles in early August. Once more, we're going to truck out into the Mojave Desert and, barring any typical Ludlow-related shananigans, we're gonna finish this puppy.

Here's where you come in, o dear reader. We need to raise funds to complete our arduous task. Travel, lodging, FX, these all need to be covered, so we're asking for donations.

Donate $10 and your name gets in the credits of the film. The person who donates the most by Friday, August 7th will also receive a 16" x 20" painting by me, subject matter of the donor's choosing.

Yes, I feel a bit presumptuous offering up a painting by me as a "prize", but I have no idea what else to offer. Check out my work here to see if that's something you'd be into.

We don't need much money, but we do need some. All proceeds will go towards the making of Ludlow- however, should we receive money over the amount we need to finish the film, it'll go towards whatever's next on our slate- and Shannon and I have a good four projects lined up to make together.

Any amount will help. Alright, frankly a penny won't help that much, but I'll still take it and give you my eternal gratitude in return.

Now, if you're saying "That's all fine and good, but you haven't shown us crap beyond that teaser trailer. What am I getting myself into? I don't even know what this movie is about!" Well, here's what the skinny be, as best as I can tell ya...or Heidi at Pretty/Scary can tell ya, 'cause she told it just right:
Shot in the California desert in just a few days under grueling circumstances, Ludlow's plot involves a woman (Shannon Lark) stalked by her abusive ex boyfriend and aided by a well-meaning sister (Elissa Dowling) which quickly turns deadly.
There you go. And here's a little clip. Oh, this shit is NSFW, but then so is Final Girl, so...

So. Give if you can, or if you want to, even if it's only well-wishes. Repost this or link to it on your own website and spread the indie horror love. The movie-making flame BURNS!

so i made a movie: VOYEUR, part one

Dear y'alls,

I bet you've been worried about me, right? Wondering where I was and if I'd ever come back from my vacation...why, I'm sure you weren't even able to celebrate July 4th to the fullest because of all the concern. "No, friend, despite the fact that I love American independence and the thought of powdered wigs, I cannot even fathom a hot dog right now for I am concerned about Final Girl. What if she never comes back? What if she's taken to the woods like Nell and she's off doing nudie midnight swims and tayyynnnn innna wiinnnn-ing ? Which useless website will I read then, friend? WHICH I SAY."

Well, don' worr', chickbayyyyy, I'm back...although the prospect of fleeing to the woods and finding a lake for my nudie midnight swims was indeed tempting. Tomorrow, as you may recall, is Film Club Day, so go get yer Italian zombie action on!

But first, behold, Part One of So I Made A Movie: Voyeur, which is a short film written by, directed by, and starring Shannon Lark, which we shot whilst I was away. We just know how much you dug our silly write-ups for Ludlow, so we decided to continue the series. See what you've wrought? This is what happens when you pay attention to us.


SHANNON LARK: It seems as though the filmmaking process of Ludlow went so well between Stacie Ponder and I, that I decided to call upon her to film a short script I wrote titled Voyeur.

It was a perfect situation: I had just enough money to film this small beast, and Stacie had an itching to get the hell out of LA for a couple days. We made a deal for the exchange of services: she does the cinematography for my short and I see some big ass trees with her.

Fuck yeah.

STACIE PONDER: I learned two things (and two things ONLY) whilst making Ludlow: 1) Peperoncinis and peanut butter is a fucking delicious combo, and 2) Shannon and I mesh together creatively, like, super duper wicked awesomely. I’ll jump at any chance to work with her, and the fact that Voyeur came along so soon after Ludlow wrapped had me psyched. I was duly honored that she asked me to DP for her, but after saying yes I have to admit to a little panic. I’d never shot anything for anyone else before. I was going to be essentially responsible for her film (particularly since she’s also the star and wouldn’t be behind the camera with me), and for a while I wasn’t sure if I was up to the task. If I shoot my own movie and it sucks, I can just bury the tapes out in the New Mexico desert next to all those Atari E.T. game cartridges and no one ever has to find out. If I shoot someone else’s movie and it sucks, I’ve ruined her movie and I’m a big jerk. It’s a lot of pressure especially since, as I mentioned, it was my first time. I could only hope that Voyeur would be gentle and would still love and respect me in the morning.

Besides, the idea of seeing the big ass trees in Sequoia National Park after the shoot was too delicious to pass up, so it was on.

SHANNON LARK: I had written the script last November while I was still living in San Francisco (more like surfing on friend’s couches) and I was working at the Starlight Room in downtown SF. My boss, Harry Denton, who is like…famous and stuff, has an amazing apartment in a 40’s motif that I had read about in the papers. I wanted to write a story about a woman who is raped, and it’s really fucked up. I’ve always felt there weren’t enough rape films, especially male on male sodomy scenes. There aren’t any male on male sodomy scenes in the movie, but Harry Denton had the perfect apartment to match, so I was sold on the idea of shooting in the city.

I left San Francisco on January 1st, and drove like a madman straight to New Mexico to live, and like…have a home and a shower and stuff.

STACIE PONDER: Fucking diva.

SHANNON LARK: Fangoria’s Weekend of Horrors hit and the shooting date fell though on two separate occasions for different reasons. Ugh. It’s a short film for Christ’s sake! And dammit, Christ wanted me to make this movie!!

STACIE PONDER: It’s true, Christ wanted her to make this movie. I read about it in the Bible.

Okay, not in the BIBLE Bible, but I read about it on a website about the Bible. It said something like “And lo, Shannon Lark shall maketh a film about a woman who is raped, and lo, it shall be good. And fucked up.”

SHANNON LARK: I got the crew together (which is all female, so it kinda rocks) and cashed in a free flight from Southwest, due to my nifty little rewards card. Stacie picked me up from the airport in Burbank and we hit the grocery store. I don’t eat gluten anymore and I had a great time telling Stacie allllll about it.

STACIE PONDER: Holy crap, if I hear about gluten one more time I’m gonna puke my pants. Shannon is worse than a born again! Actually, it’s kind of amazing how she managed to work it into virtually EVERY conversation:

“Shannon, what time is it?”

“Umm, it’s 5:30. That’s so weird, because I stopped eating gluten at 10:30 three weeks ago!”

“How is that weird?”

“I don’t know, it just is. By the way, I don’t eat gluten anymore.”

SHANNON LARK: She had arranged a screening for Ludlow and the Ghostella films that evening so we grilled up veggie shishkabobs and I drank wayyyy too much wine. I don’t drink that often and since I don’t eat gluten anymore (hehe), I can’t drink beer. C’mon! I grew up on beer!!

Stacie just drank herself sober…on beer.

STACIE PONDER: My goal for the evening was basically to get drunk. This would serve two purposes: one, the booze would soothe my jangled nerves and I’d be able to watch Ludlow and all my other crap in front of people. Two, I was looking to relax after countless hours and long nights editing that fucking movie, and three, it was also a sort of birthday party and to celebrate my FINALLY turning 21, I thought it would be neat to get drunk legally for a change.

Yes, I realize that’s three purposes but I’m a girl so math is hard.

My plan worked for a while, and I was indeed drunk. In fact, I was going around letting people know as much: “Look, I’m not gonna lie to you. I’m a little bit drunk.” The next thing I knew, however, I was unexpectedly and disappointingly sober. The sudden transformation truly counts as one of life’s mysteries.

SHANNON LARK: Everyone loved Ludlow, I think. Except maybe that one guy who wandered off into the night when it started to play.

STACIE PONDER: No one knows who that guy was! No one claimed the random drunk guy. Maybe he was a mass hallucination, or a ghost. That’s probably it. He did talk about peoples’ auras an awful lot.

SHANNON LARK: The crowd went crazy over Stacie’s short films and I ended up passing out on her bedroom floor directly after Ludlow screened. I spilled wine on her favorite blanket and water on her bed before falling asleep under a curtain that I pulled from my suitcase.

STACIE PONDER: Yeah, I think people had a good time. It’s an amazing feeling to have people react positively to something I made- it kinda makes me feel like a three-year-old who busted out some glitter-covered macaroni art and mom loves it- or claims to- and hangs it on the fridge.

After the movies were over, people wanted to tell Shannon that she was fantastic in Ludlow (because…you know…she IS), but she’d disappeared. I found her drunk on my bedroom floor, managed to get her outside to greet (read: slur at) her public, then tucked her in for the night under her beloved curtain. The wine spillage wasn’t discovered until a week later, after we’d returned from our Voyeur adventure. It really doesn’t matter to me- it’s just a fucking blanket- but what I find most amusing is that Shannon tried to convince me that the blanket wasn’t even mine and that she’d brought it with her.

SHANNON LARK: It looks just like the blanket I was supposed to bring! Honest!!

And so the adventures of Voyeur began, just like Christ said on that one website about the bible.

all i ever wanted

Alright, kids, here's the deal. It's time for me to take a little... "rest".

I love putting it like that, because it makes me sound like an upper middle class mental patient from the 1950s. Which I very well could be! The truth is, though, that I'm simply taking a little vacation. During this week away I have but two goals: 1) shoot another short film with Shannon Lark, and 2) see some big trees.

The first item on that list is happening tomorrow- Shannon (of...you know...Ludlow "fame") has written and will be directing and starring in a short film, and I'm acting as DP. I've never shot anyone else's film before, so it's a bit daunting. I'll be sure to tell you all about it upon my return, so maintain your breath level at a firm "bated" whilst I'm gone.

As for the big trees, we're going to rock the Redwoods, and I cannot effing wait. As you may remember, I am a nerd for all things National Parks-related.

So! When I get back I'll have sketch cards to deliver- to everyone who ordered one, THANK YOU, they're coming next week- and Italian zombie movies to watch (Film Club, WOO!).

Also, in Ludlow-related news, I'll be posting up an actual clip sometime next week, once I figure out what to show you; yes, this means another exciting installment of "So I Made A Movie". The film is finished and last night I showed it to some people; no one pointed and laughed at me (that I saw or heard), so I guess it's not...err, laughably bad. Hooray! Here's another screen cap for your Ludlow scrapbook.

Be good to each other while I'm gone and watch a Tracey Gold movie in my honor. See you next week!

this is hardcore

Dear My Bitches,

First of all, this post is not hardcore in the least. Actually, it's rather lame. See, I'm knee-deep -- scratch that, I'm fucking xyphoid process-deep in editing Ludlow and I haven't much time to do much of anything except stare at the computer, wondering if what I'm doing is any good. I'll be finished with it early next week, and then... MUA HA HA.

Speak of mua ha ha, here's another screen cap. Oh how provocative.

My point is, I'm totally super big-time sorry that things have been quiet and lame around here, but before you know it I'll be back to watching movies and trying to think of pithy comments just for you. Things won't really heat up- if they ever...you know, actually "heat up"- until it's time for the next Film Club installment, when Burial Ground: The Nights of Terror ushers in AN ENTIRE WEEK of foreign zombie action. Well, foreign to me and my fellow Americans, anyway.

Speaking of zombies and me actually writing stuff, my AMC column this week is all about the many zombie flavors there are available- enough to fetidly fill a Baskin-Robbins.

I'm not sure that entirely makes sense, but anyway.

You can always be my fake cyber-pal if I don't blog enough here to keep up with your absolutely maddening demands. I mean, how would you know that I wanted some pickles today unless you follow me on Twitter? These are the issues that impact my life.

Viscera Film Festival wants YOU!

Hey! You! Hey, you know what paradise is?
It's a lie, a fantasy we create about people and places as we'd like them to be
But you know what truth is?
It's that little baby you're holding, it's that man you fought with this morning
The same one you're going to make love with tonight
That's truth, that's love......


"I will eat your soul!"

What I meant to say is, hey you! Have you been sitting here reading about Ludlow and thinking to yourself, "Pfft...whatevs. I could make a movie that's so much better than that!"? Okay, first I have to ask why you've got such an attitude about it. I mean, it's great to have self-confidence and all, but you haven't even seen my movie yet, so what's with all the preemptive "Meh"s? I thought we were friends here. Can't you be supportive JUST THIS ONCE?

Anyway, I'll address our beef later.

Wow, that sounds hot.

Are you a filmmaker? Do you want to make a movie? Do you have a vagina? Do you have a vagina that's ATTACHED TO YOUR OWN BODY? If you answered "Holy crap YES!" to one or more of those questions, then take note! The Viscera Film Festival has just launched its third year and they're actively seeking submissions.


The VISCERA Film Festival, an online short horror film festival that promotes progressive female filmmakers in the horror genre, has just opened its doors for new submissions.

VISCERA is a Festival created by The Chainsaw Mafia, a horror website/production company geared towards Artists of the genre coming together to create. The Chainsaw Mafia works with Sponsors of the Festival; film critics, horror websites, festivals, and magazines to create maximum promotion for the selected filmmakers and their work. Viscera films have been screened all over the world through the sponsoring film festivals, garnishing awards for the filmmakers and promoting their work to completely new geographical areas.

This year the awards include sculptures from Lipstick Teeth’s Brian S. Allen, which will be presented at the very first VISCERA Premiere in 2010. Each filmmaker is interviewed and promoted by The Chainsaw Mafia, placed in the Viscera Women archive, and each film is placed on a DVD and distributed to the public through thechainsawmafia.com. Filmmakers’ bios and information regarding their work is available on the DVD, which goes out to the Festival’s Sponsors shortly after duplication.

VISCERA accepts films in two categories: women directed/produced films (half of the crew/cast needs to be female, men are completely welcome on set), and women-only productions, which are sets geared towards facilitating more women working together in the genre. The VISCERA Award (a monetary award of $200) has been created for the latter category.

The officially selected films for 2008 will be released on DVD this summer, which will include the work of Devi Snively, Stacie Ponder, Izabel Grondin, Belinda Green-Smith, Faye Hoerauf, Jessica Baxter, Ebony Winston, Chandeline Nicole, and Shannon Lark. The VISCERA Award 2008 winners are Jennifer Gigantino and Natasia Schibinger for their film, “The Date.”

For submissions, VISCERA’s Director Shannon Lark suggests that “beginning filmmakers should focus timing their submissions around 30 seconds to one minute. VISCERA is about quality, not quantity.” For those ladies who are interested in submitting but don’t know where to start, The Chainsaw Mafia deeply encourages them to contact Shannon Lark with any questions they have.
So, ladies and men who know ladies,what are you waiting for? Pick up a camera and go. If I can do it, you can do it. I'm thrilled to be a part of Viscera. Shannon Lark is the hardest working woman I know and she's put together something truly special here, so get with it.

Later on, I plan to put together something truly special myself- I'm going to call it "a sandwich".

There's exciting Ludlow news coming down the pike- well, it's exciting to me, anyway, and as this is my own website of which I am the boss, I'll be posting about it when the time is right. Right now, I'm still editing away...here's another still for you to look at through your eye holes. It doesn't really tell you much about anything going on in the film, but I think it's awful purdy. So there.

LUDLOW something something

I made this while I was dumping footage onto my computer. Working on a painting of the same image for...whatever reason.

It's so Dawn of the Dead-y, although that wasn't my intention going in. I don't even know if I had any intentions going in- it was just for fun. As was this painting, which is now sitting over in the corner:

So...I don't know. If anyone out there wants to buy a Gill-Man (The Creature Waves Hello!) or commission something else entirely, hit me up with an email. You can check out more over at the gallery on my website. Paintings make great gifts!

I assume. I mean, no one's ever bought me one, so I wouldn't really know.


Go see Drag Me To Hell this weekend!!

so i made a movie, part six

I'm, like, totally in "post-production" on Ludlow. Since I went way overboard with the info sharing regarding the shoot, I figured, you know, why not indulge myself and share way too much info during the entire process of putting this movie together? It's what The Internet is for. Well, it's for sharing too much information and it's for LOLcats.

So, WARNING: this is all about me and my big ideas for Ludlow and seriously, it’s so boring, I’m falling asleep whilst typing ittttttttttwiooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Oh, if you have no idea what the fuck a "Ludlow" is, click here and catch up. Or don't and remain clueless. Whatever, man, that's totes your beeswax.

During filming, Shannon Lark looked far into the future and yawned upon reading this boring post.

If you’ve watched any of my previous…uh, let’s call them “films” for lack of a better term, shall we?…then you may or may not be surprised to find out that they’re all edited on l’il ol’ iMovie5. See, I’m always about 6 or 8 steps behind the curve when it comes to computers due to the fact that I’m not a millionaire. It’s true! Though I exude exquisite class and glamour all over The Internet, I am little more than a humble pauper.

Another example of exquisite class and glamour.

As such, I plod along all humble pauper-style working with programs from 5 years ago and everything’s generally cool; I’m a big proponent of the idea that your equipment doesn’t entirely matter, but rather it’s all about what you can do with it. *sexual innuendo, wakka wakka* The point is, geez… the first three episodes of Ghostella’s Haunted Tomb were shot on VHS, and they’re…largely coherent, at least.
SHANNON LARK: Stacie never gives herself enough credit. "Lack of a better term?" Her movies are wonderful! And they actually make sense. Especially her latest with that wedding dress-thing.
In related news, did you know that NOBODY uses VHS anymore? Weird, right? I just don’t understand this modern world! VHS is so cool. Why I remember the day I stepped up to VHS from using this thing. Oh, what a day that was. Electric Youth!

I’ll readily admit that top of the line equipment would be swell to own- after all, there’s no arguing that stuff shot on the Red One (fancy, expensive) looks better than stuff shot on VHS (not fancy, obsolete). But again, I’m not a millionaire and thus I make do. Sometimes, though, you just gotta bite the bullet and upgrade your crap to crap plus.

Sorry, VHS. I mean, you don't look THAT bad and I still love you and all...

Sometimes, upgrading is all about ease. After those first three episodes of Ghostella, I dumped my VHS camera for a cheap (but kick ASS) mini-DV camera. In addition to superior picture quality, this meant I could simply import footage directly from the camera into iMovie rather than burning a DVD from the VHS tapes, extracting the footage from the DVDs, converting the file types, and THEN importing to iMovie. I still make out with my little camera every night as my perverted way of thanking it for saving me so much time and hassle. The making out is also my way of letting it know that I think it’s pretty.

...but this is a little sharper...and widescreenier...and insanier.
SHANNON LARK: I agree that you should make out with your equipment. It makes it function better (as long as no saliva hits the mother board) as the good vibes permeate its mechanical consciousness.
I’m trying to make a…well, a GOOD MOVIE here with Ludlow. Relatively speaking, natch. I want it to look beautiful, and I want as much as possible to avoid the deadliest of pitfalls that frequently lay waste to no-budget movies: shitty audio. Whether or not I’ll achieve these goals remains to be seen, but to give myself a leg up I used Shannon’s fancy-pants camera to shoot the film (although not wanting to neglect my own beloved camera, I brought it with me to capture behind the scenes shenanigans and, you know, to make out with). The second part of this mathemagical equation involves post-production and my decision to…dun dun dunnnnn…upgrade from iMovie 5 to Final Cut Express 4. This is roughly the equivalent of upgrading from sitting on your ass all day to going all nutcake and doing the Ironman Triathlon in under an hour.

I don’t know if that makes any sense, or whether doing the Triathlon in under an hour would indeed indicate a level of nutcakedness, but perhaps you get the point.

What? No, I’ve never done the Ironman Triathlon. BIG DEAL. It’s not like I’ve never done ANYTHING. I mean, this one time I stayed up for two days straight and lemme tell ya, it broke my fucking brain! It was during a road trip with my friend Jim, and the highlight of the trip was probably the moment when my mind completely melted and I couldn’t remember the name of the restaurant where we’d had breakfast. The restaurant was called Country Pride (gross, awesome), but the closest I could get to calling it that was to blurt out “Purity Face”.
SHANNON LARK: Hahaha! I went to a place like that recently. It had a giant pig in front of it, which I rode.
"Purity Face" is clearly not even close.


Look, I’m not trying to knock iMovie Version From 5 Years Ago, believe me. I’ve done some cool stuff with it, if I do say so myself (and clearly I do say so myself). However, the program is largely aimed at people who want to make a “movie” of their kids pooping at the beach and Ken Burns-style photo montages set to the tune of Jim Croce’s “Time In A Bottle” to give as a gift to Nana and Pap Pap for their 60th wedding anniversary- and that’s…you know, mega-cool. But for Ludlow, I want more control than iMovie can provide; I want to filter audio and correct colors and all that deluxe good-time jazz. Lo, I say unto thee, this is a story about control. Control of what I say, control of what I do- and this time, I’m gonna do it MY way. I hope you enjoy this as much as I do. Are we ready? I am- ‘cause it’s all about control…and I’ve got lots of it.


"I will fuck up your dreams!"

Sorry, wait…mmm. Err, where the fuck am I going with this?

Oh yeah- so I upgraded my computer and now my stupid big fat scanner is no longer compatible with my system (it sits, useless and mocking) which means I can no longer scan in…you know…STUFF FOR MY LIFE which includes COMICS and I’ve got Final Cut Express but it’s super complicated and I don’t know what I’m doing and I hate not knowing what I’m doing and I feel my self-imposed deadline looming and I’m totally freaking out.

SHANNON LARK: Girl, you are gonna get the freakin' stupid editing system BLAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Just keep working at it. You are super smart and you do things and you have the BESTEST blog on the intarweb where people send you fanmail and some of them even try to look up pictures of me naked just because you have let me go blablabla on your blog about masturbation and Ludlow. This is just Ludlow trying to bring you down, man. Fuck Ludlow. Fuck it with an iron fist and conquer this program till you hit yourself in the face cause your fist goes right through it, all transparency-like.
SWEET MERCIFUL CRAP did I really write all this just to bitch about how my new editing program is OH SO HARD and WAH WAH WAHH and IT’S GOING TO TAKE ME SO LONG TO LEARRRRRRRRNNNN? Hmm. I guess I did.

Well, I SAID it was boring…and YOU read it anyway! SUCKER!

Sorry, that’s not very nice at all. I’m going to go make an iMovie video featuring a Ken Burns-style montage of all our favorite Final Girl pictures from over the years, and I’ll set it to the tune of Icy Spicy Leoncie’s “Man! Let’s Have Fun” as my way of apologizing.

Actually, that video sounds pretty cool. Wow, I should be a jerk more often!

And please don’t remind me that I’m bitching about editing movies on my computer while the world is riddled with people who have no homes or clothes or perhaps not even eyes, because I feel guilty enough about my meager entitlements already. I BID YOU GOOD DAY.