Entries Tagged 'The Undead Survivalist' ↓

The worst places to go when zombies attack.

Okay, zombiephiles – Here’s my list (in no particular order) of the worst places to go when the zombies come lookin’ for an unhappy meal. Hiding in a loft/attic – there is often only one way in and out, so you are pretty much trapped. Shopping centers/malls – this was a popular attraction before the living became the undead, so its only [...]

School Zombies

So what would you do if zombies attacked at your school? Imagine if it was just you left… what would you do? Run? Hide? Scream? Fight? It’s one of the last places people expect a zombie apocalypse to start, but its just as possible as anywhere else. So Zombies have began to take over your city and you’re stuck in [...]

How to Survive The Day of the Triffids

1. Hide from ‘Comets’

Comets, or rather, previously unobserved celestial phenomena, ascribed as comets for want of a better word, have the capacity to blind. Accounts of strange green lights in the night sky, send seasoned Armageddon-dodgers to cellars, bunkers, or darkened rooms.

2. Reject Philanthropy

Rose-tinted glasses should be discarded forthwith. A Pan-continental loss of vision, will render the tiny minority of sighted near-useless in their attempts to preserve the lives of all but a handful of the blinded billions. Concentrate on succouring close friends and family, as well as the attractive. Remember the two-eyed man/woman is king/queen.

3. Never Underestimate the Enemy

Even a ‘docked’ triffid can be lethal, since they are communicative beings, that will invariably hale their toxic brethren. Additionally, the slashing sting of these hunters is by no means indiscriminate. The green meat-eaters have an uncanny knack for aiming their stings at the face. Triffids are bred to blind.

4. Stockpile

Equip yourself with three things:

Supplies - Triffids are expert in the art of siege warfare; prepare yourself for a long stand off.

Triffid Guns - ‘Spring-operated guns of various types. Most of them shoot spinning discs, crosses, or small boomerangs of thin steel. As a rule they are inaccurate above about twelve yards, though capable of slicing a triffid stem neatly at twenty-five if they hit it’.
–Narration of Bill Masen, chapter two, The Day of the Triffids by John Wyndham.

Flame Throwers - ‘Very effective (against triffids). The one thing we’ve used them for’.
–Stephen Brennell, chapter twelve, The Day of the Triffids by John Wyndham.

5. Avoid London

If you thought pre-apocalyptic London was an unfriendly place, envisage millions of recently-blinded, and hungry Cockneys squabbling over a few jars of jellied-eels. Even if you’re not forced to become the ‘eyes’ of an Eastend Gang, things will soon turn squalid, and decidedly ‘bang out of order’.

6. Forget the Yanks

Stephen Brennell’s unnamed girlfriend, and a host of other incidental characters are convinced that the Statesiders are striding to the rescue. In fact due to their often substantial bulk, and resulting slowness, not to mention cacophonous dialect, US citizens are rendered highly susceptible to the wiles of sound-sensitive, carnivorous hybrids. Remember the Triffid is a Soviet invention. As Wilfred Coker implores ‘Try to imagine a world where there are no Americans.”

Enter the Zombiephile-ette

I fuckin’ hate zombies!

Well, people, it’s official: yer old pal Chester is no longer Idaho’s most eligible zombie survivalist.

That’s right, those lonely nights spent sharpening shovels are over! From now on my nights are gonna be spent sharpening shovels in the company of my luscious new girlfriend, Josella Chysalids-Harris. She’s saucy, sexy, and she loves zombies - perfect for me!

Now, you all remember how my life was ruined by zombies - well, Josella’s the first good thing that’s happened to me since that fateful zombie-filled night.

My hottie with a naughty body.

She’s randy as a minx and has a hunger…for zombies! And triffids, which I don’t really understand, but which she’s written about this week here on the Zombiephiles. So from now on you’ll be seeing Josella pretty often, when we’re not out riding our 4-wheelers and hunting coons. Raccoons, that is!

Man, things have been going so well for me lately - I even got my job at the mattress factory back! But don’t worry, I haven’t forgotten how zombies got me the last time - I’m always vigilant now. But at least now I’ve finally found a saucy little minx to share my goal of eradicating zombies from the planet! So keep your eyes peeled for more triffid-inspired posts from my sexy Josella - and try not to be too jealous, Zombiephiles - there’s enough Josella to go around.