Entries Tagged 'corn teeth' ↓

Day 6 – "I hate talking to ghosts with plaque on my teeth."


Reader, let me tell you a little bit about the journey my brain went on before hunkering down to indulge in a little something called Witchboard (1986), which earned three votes and entered the 2020 list of your favorite horror movies at number 246. 


I knew that I hadn't seen it, even though it's something of a cl---well, it's well-known, let's say that. I did briefly wonder if I should do a Witchboard-a-thon at some point because, as I says to myself I says, "There are like 700 Witchboard movies." This is where my spiral into madness began! It turns out that there are only three Witchboard movies. Hmm, perhaps I was conflating it with Witchhouse, there must be 700 of those. Turns out that's wrong, too. So what was I thinking of? Maybe the Mirror, Mirror series? I've never seen any of those and there are a whole bunch, right? DUH I know that there is a difference between a Ouija board and a mirror, but nevertheless, my mind persists in equating the two series. Wrong again, there are only four Mirror, Mirrors! So what GD series has a million movies and is not Witchboard, Witchouse, or Mirror, Mirror? Eventually I figured out that it's Witchcraft. Go figure!

It's really pointless for me to type all of that out. It's not an exciting story in the least! But it took me forever to get from point A to point Z, so I figured I'd share. Oh! But along the way I did learn that Karen Black and Yvonne De Carlo are in Mirror, Mirror...? So I guess the journey was good for something beyond proving that my brain is full of holes (which we already knew anyway).

 So. Witchboard. I bet you've all seen it, right? Well in case you haven't...

First of all, it starts with a party scene and I just could not get a handle on the demographics of this party, like how old everyone is supposed to be, how they all knew each other, if it was actually some kind of function for an insurance agency or something? Everyone seems to be well into their adulthood and some of them are drinking...milk? Who are these people?



I can tell you who two of these people are, at least: Brandon and Linda, aka holy shit is that Patch from television's Days of Our Lives?? and Tawny Kitaen looking like the "before" in some before and after shots of Miss Havisham?? 


Brandon and Linda used to date, see, but now she's dating and living with Brandon's ex-best friend Jim, and they're the ones who are hosting this party, whatever it is. Brandon has brought along his Ouija board and explains a whole bunch of rules for using it, stuff that no other horror movie ever bothered to tell me: it's best used by a man and a woman who have "clean systems" (that is, they are narc NERDS), it's best if the board is placed on the knees of the man and the woman before they gently lay their hands on the planchette and begin to caress--HEY WAIT, is this all actually Ouija rules or some weird attempt at getting Linda back?

I hope you like this shot because you'll be seeing a shitton of shots just like it throughout the movie!

Well, no matter. Brandon goes on to explain that his board seems to be attached to one spirit in particular, that of David, a 10-year-old boy who died 30 years ago. Things seem to progress well--you know, planchette moving and all that--until Jim starts cracking wise, irritating both David and Brandon with his totally sick burns like "David's alright, he's just a little dead, that's all!"

Later that evening, Linda is very mad at Jim for his behavior and don't you just want to take a nap in Tawny Kitaen's hair? It's like it's made out of Golden Retriever or something (in a nice way) and it looks so soft and luxurious and comfortable, like you would have the best sleep of your life!


Also, side note, no she's not the best actress but she tried? I think? And she's kind of charming in this. Reading a bit of the behind the scenes stuff for Witchboard, of course she was hired because she was the  hot video vixen, and it sounds like she was mostly pestered on set, with the crew pulling heee-larious pranks on her like...telling her that her dog got run over by a truck and was dead. 

Anyway, Brandon forgot to bring his board home with him, so Linda sets about doing the one thing no one should do with a Ouija board. Okay, sure, there are a few things you shouldn't do with a Ouija board, but perhaps the hugest no-no is using it by yourself. That's how you get a Captain Howdy! (Not a euphemism.) (But it should be!)

Told you about this shot

The spirit of David is nice, in that he tells Linda that the ring she lost a while back went down the bathroom sink. The spirit of David is not nice, in that he tells Linda that he doesn't like Jim. The spirit of David is really not nice in that he makes a pile of sheetrock fall on Jim's friend Lloyd, killing him, when the two of them are having lunch at their construction job.

Man, one minute you're just sitting there all cool, and the next minute you can be laid out by a stack of sheetrock.



The folly of life, right? The spirit of David laughs while we make plans. It really makes you think.

At this point, Linda (who I keep wanting to call Julie while I write this...? She seems like a Julie to me, sorry) is totally addicted to the Ouij and can't stop using it.


She's also started swearing (but only when she gets startled) and she's had morning sickness. Suddenly she's all "I feel like I'm going crazy!" and while I #believewomen, honestly there hasn't been a lot of evidence shown about why she'd be feeling that way? It's literally just the swearing when startled and the morning sickness. But oh well, if Linda says she's going crazy, she's going crazy, I guess.


She tells David that she's going to give the Ouija board back to Brandon and David gets so mad! SO mad, in fact, that a knife flies off the wall and stabs the floor, and then some ketchup spills on it. 

I mean actual ketchup, because apparently Julie Linda keeps an open bottle of ketchup just sitting on the counter. You know what, maybe she IS going crazy.

When he finds out that Linda has been using the board all by herself, Brandon shows up at her apartment out of concern. "Has she been swearing a lot?" he asks Jim. Because she has, Brandon worries that Linda may be falling to "progressive entrapment" and that the spirit is lowering her resistances in order to possess her. In other words, yeah, she's getting Captain Howdied. That means there's only one thing to do: call a medium!

Brandon brings in his friend Zarabeth, who serves to inject a little energy into what has really been a pretty dull movie so far.


Yes, that is Kathleen Wilhoite! But if you are anything like me, you always think she's Amanda Plummer when she shows up in something. 

Anyway, Zarabeth is great, just pure 80s kitsch à la Cyndi Lauper, a refreshing change from the kinds of mediums we tend to get in horror movies. She channels David, who apologizes for being a jerk. It's just that he loves Linda, and he doesn't want to leave her. However, they tell him that he must leave her, and David is like "okay :( "

But later, David is like "Haha psych!" and, well, once she returns to her kitschy apartment, it's TTFN, Zarabeth. (You'll get that joke if you've seen Witchboard.)

David is getting so powerful that he doesn't even need the board anymore, but Linda can't help herself. She's even more progressively entrapped!

See?

She ends up in the hospital after getting thrown into the wall by an unseen force, so Brandon and Jim take the opportunity to head to Big Bear, because that's where David supposedly died. The drive up the coast in Brandon's convertible, at the library they use a microfiche (which is very exciting for me), they investigate at the cemetery, and they share some tender bonding moments at a motel.






Look, on the one hand I say, how nice that these two fellows have rekindled their friendship! Earnest friendship between men is so nice, especially in horror movies!

On the other hand, I spent some time imagining the Witchboard that liberals want, the one where things didn't work out between Brandon and Linda and Jim has never told Linda that he loves her because Brandon and Jim are in love and they realize it in Big Bear. It would be a better movie. 

Anyway, they swing by Wanda's Warehouse of Witchcraft and pick up a new Ouija board in the hopes of contacting David. We get some lakeside man-hands-on-planchette action, and I am not dissuaded from my gay Witchboard fantasies! 

"David, are Brandon and Jim in love?"

David lets them know that he's not the one who's been doing all the bad stuff, and that EVIL is here. Before you can say "Does he mean...Victor Buono?" though, all my hopes and dreams are crushed when Brandon ends up dead, the victim of a hatchet wielded by an invisible force. As he cradles Brandon's dead body, Jim cries for literally the very first time in his whole life, a sad reminder of the Witchboard we could have had. The Witchboard that would have thrown the first brick at Stonewall. The Witchboard that will live on in my fanfiction, Witchboard, But Now It's Gay for Real (working title).

Anyway, the evil is referring to someone named Malfeitor. Jim swings by Wanda's Warehouse again, and as I'm typing this I am wondering if he just left Brandon's body by the lake...? Hmm. Well, whatever. Wanda's got all the lowdown on Malfeitor in some book: he was a serial killer who chopped up his victims with an axe, but the police killed him in the 1930s...in the very same house where Jim and Linda live! Wow, what are the odds?


Wanda is so cool, though, right? In my fanfiction, she will help Jim and Brandon as they solve supernatural mysteries together. Be sure to like and subscribe.

Meanwhile, Linda has checked herself out of the hospital and is back on the board.

Back on the board and using the planchette upside down

Jim returns home to find the apartment trashed (they are not getting their deposit back) and Linda now fully possessed by Malfeitor! But, instead of her teeth turning into corn teeth and her eyes turning yellow and blah blah pea soup and all the usual gross possession trappings, she puts on some eyeliner, a suit, and is hot.


They have a showdown, a cop who thinks Jim has been doing all these murders shows up, and yes that is theeeeee iconique Rose Marie as the landlady.


The ending of Witchboard is...well, "exciting" is the last word I'd use to describe it, honestly. The whole movie, in fact, is kind of fun but also just sort of there. Maybe it's the Kevin Tenney of it, or the 1985, or the Tawny Kitaen, I don't know, but I was expecting a little oomf? A little 80s bonkers? Not any sleaze, exactly, but some more action, certainly. It's all so tame! Not much really happens! Unless you're really into seeing hands on a Ouija board, in which case you'll get a thrill in just about every other scene. Hmm. Well, that's okay. At least I've seen it now, and I know it's not Witchouse, Witchcraft, or Mirror, Mirror. Small victories, am I right?

Possession is nine-tenths of this post

If you were to look up "What seeing The Exorcist at a formative age does to a motherfucker" in the dictionary, you might pause a moment to think "Wow, the OED is really just adding anything at all these days, huh?" But you might also see a picture of me there, waving a large foam finger that says "I can't help it, I love possession movies even though they're nearly all terrible, generally very samey-samey, and they likely don't deserve the love I have for them." (Yes, the text on the foam finger is very small.)

It's true! Lately I have had possession movie fever and it's manifesting in all sorts of ways. Why, just the other night, the words POSSESSION MOVIEZ RULE appeared in raised letters on my stomach! Eerie, right? This recent flare-up of feelings was triggered by a few...triggers. To wit:

1) I am (still) playing Diablo IV and there is a cool possession-flavored sidequest chain.

2) Playing Diablo IV has had me in the mood for some Diablo IV-esque horror movies, though I'm not sure any exist that will scratch that particular itch. (Feel free to recommend some if you can!) But! This mood led me to rewatch the 2010 film The Shrine, which I remembered quite enjoying. Turns out, I still quite enjoy it! Sure, the moments of 2010 CGI haven't aged very well (the green screen fog looks very much like...well, green screen fog). Yeah, a lot of the acting is a bit dodgy. I agree, it's another in the long line of movies that think the thing we really enjoyed about The Blair Witch Project was seeing a "bossy" woman get what was coming to her because she was so bossy!!! And yes, The Shrine literally wraps up with a limp "Oh that? It's a curse" excuse for a resolution. 

But you know what? It matters not to moi! While the movie's ideas might be better than the movie itself, I find that I'm so into those ideas that I still dig the movie as a whole. (Does that word salad make any sense?) The Shrine leaves you guessing as to what's actually up with that cult operating out in the Polish countryside, and when you find out, phew! The third act lets loose and it's an over-the top, pretty gory reminder that possession movies can be great, scary fun.


3) Talk to Me is my favorite thing I've seen in a hot minute. (Side note, how absolutely GD delightful it was to go see an Australian horror movie in a thee-ay-tur!) I am loath to go too deep in on it at the moment as it's still pretty new and maybe you haven't checked it out yet and it shouldn't be spoiled. But I will say, I can't remember the last time teenagers--especially horror movie teenagers--were treated with such respect in a film. It's refreshing that they do the dumb, flip shit that teens do, but they are also written as, you know, people. In other words, they don't sound like screenwriters trying to sound like cool teens, talking about their hashtags and apps and vapes and you see why I don't write teen characters! They simply exist. Crazy, right?


Despite all the literal hand-holding in the film, the film does not hold your hand. It doesn't go to great lengths to explain away every little thing, and boy oh boy is it stronger for it. It fills in enough blanks so you don't walk away dissatisfied or confused, but it leaves the wizard behind the curtain trapped behind the curtain. A horror movie that respects its characters and its audience? Crazy, right?

A sequel was just announced today, and in typical A24 style, announced as "coming soon" at that. Now, maybe that sequel will explain everything and tell we would-be Eleanors just whose hands we're holding. That's okay, I suppose, as at least that'd be telling the story as its own story. It's telling the story as a five minute narrative dump squeezed into proceedings that's the clunker idea: It isn't always necessary, and it certainly doesn't always work--and such a sequence would have brought down Talk to Me's property values immensely. It's a sad tale of the lingering effects of unresolved grief, the lonely ache of the desire to fit in, and the myriad ways we unintentionally hurt one another. All this in a teen-centered possession movie? Crazy, right?

Anyway, bring 'em on, I say:

Talk 2 Me

Talk to M3

T4lk to Me

Talk to Me 5 

4) Okay, the biggest  culprit in all of this is also the least likely, and that is the trailer for The Exorcist: Believer

It's possible that in the past you have heard me yell about The Halloween Bangs Trilogy, aka The Lindsey Wallace Saga (2018-2022) (named such because Kyle Richards cut her bangs for her portrayal of the iconique (and gay) Lindsey Wallace because Kyle Richards was com-mit-ted to the role, thank you very much).  I yelled bad things because Lindsey Wallace aside, phew honey I do not like those films (or "films," rather) one single bit! Each installment was worse than the one that preceded it, which is perhaps the most notable thing about the whole shebang. 

So when it was announced that the duo behind The Halloween Bangs Trilogy (David Gordon Green and Danny McBride) would be reuniting and getting their filthy mitts all over another sequel trilogy (sequelilogy), this time to The fucking Exorcist, you can imagine my reaction! If you can't imagine it, I will just tell you that my reaction was "no."

Okay, now imagine my reaction when I watched that trailer and came away from it hyped for the movie! If you can't imagine it, I will just tell you that I was shocked, honey. I was in tears almost.

Of course, I realize that my hype is due in large part to the gas leak in my apartment. It's also due to the fact that the trailer simply recreates some of the best tidbits from the original film and the trailer for the original film, such as the dogs fighting and the stark black and white images. And then there's Maude my feelings about possession movies, the feelings that ignited this whole post. I am simple! Give me a practical FX possessed face with weird yellow or green eyes, crusty cracked skin, and some corn teeth and I'm good! Yeah, I know the person with the weird yellow or green eyes, crusty cracked skin, and corn teeth will probably just toss and turn in bed and cuss a lot before spicing it up with a bit of levitation or elbows and knees bending in all the wrong ways. The Exorcist is almost half a century old: the same old tricks are tired as heck and truth be told, they're not the most interesting aspects of that film anyway.

But lawd I don't care, I love that shit! And I always will, I'm sure, because that is what seeing The Exorcist at a formative age does to a motherfucker. 

Now, what will seeing The Exorcist: Believer at a not-remotely-formative age do to a motherfucker? It rattles me to my core to say it, but say it I must: I can't wait to find out! My foam finger is already on.


Oh hey! FYI, this here post is going to be cross-posted at my new catch-all blog-site-thing Avenue X. I tell you this because you can subscribe over there (it is free) and get whatever I post delivered right to your ol' inbox. Final Girl isn't going away, so you are welcome to not subscribe over there and simply check this site whenever you might fancy. But if you want to be in the know whenever this place updates, that's a way to do it! Cutting edge technology, I tells ya, wow.

SHOCKtober: 752-720




There is no Final Girl, only List!

Each of the following films received one vote.

752. Jennifer -- 1978, Brice Mack
751. John Dies at the End -- 2012, Don Coscarelli
750. Ju-on 2 -- 2003, Takashi Shimizu
749. Killer Party -- 1986, William Fruet
748. King Kong -- 1933, Merian C. Cooper & Ernest B. Schoedsack
747. Kingdom of the Spiders -- 1977, John "Bud" Cardos
746. Klute -- 1971, Alan J. Pakula
745. Knives and Skin -- 2019, Jennifer Reeder
744. La noche del virgen (aka The Night of the Virgin) -- 2016, Roberto San Sebastián
743. Lady in White -- 1988, Frank LaLoggia
742. Lake Bodom -- 2016, Taneli Mustonen
741. Land of the Dead -- 2005, George A. Romero
740. Lasso -- 2017, Evan Cecil
739. Let Sleeping Corpses Lie (aka The Living Dead at Manchester Morgue) -- 1974, Jorge Grau
738. Life -- 2017, Daniel Espinosa
737. Link -- 1986, Richard Franklin
736. Lips of Blood -- 1975, Jean Rollin
735. Little Otik (aka Greedy Guts) -- 2000, Jan Svankmajer
734. Lo -- 2009, Travis Betz
733. Lord of Illusions -- 1995, Clive Barker
732. Lovely Molly -- 2011, Eduardo Sánchez
731. Ma -- 2019, Tate Taylor
730. Madhouse -- 1974, Jim Clark
729. Madman -- 1981, Joe Giannone
728. Magic -- 1978, Richard Attenborough
727. Mama -- 2013, Andy Muschietti
726. Manos: The Hands of Fate -- 1966, Harold P. Warren
725. Mausoleum -- 1983, Michael Dugan
724. Midnight Offerings -- 1981, Rod Holcomb
723. Mimic -- 1997, Guillermo del Toro
722. Monday -- 2000, SABU
721. Monster House -- 2006, Gil Kenan
720. Morgiana -- 1972, Juraj Herz


  • MAU-SO-MOTHERFUCKING-LE-UM! If you've been around these parts for a while, I don't need to tell you about my love for Mausoleum. But maybe you're new, or maybe you don't need to hear about my love for Mausoleum but you want to hear about my love for Mausoleum? Regardless, my love for Mausoleum: it is deep, it is wide, it is true. Neon crypts, corn teeth (my favorite), Marjoe fucking Gorner disco-dancing, a show-stealing LaWanda Page, wanton use of the term "facial fantasy"...Mausoleum has it all and much more. I am so glad to see it here.
  • This chunk o' list is so good! Let Sleeping Corpses Lie, Lovely Molly, Jennifer, KILLER PARTY...there are a lot of my beloveds on display today.
  • There's also some very intriguing films I have yet to see! Morgiana, Monday, and Midnight Offerings, which I have not seen despite the fact that it is a made-for-TV horror movie starring Melissa Sue Anderson, Marion Ross, and Gordon Jump as "Sherm!" What is wrong with me?? (Don't answer that.)
  • I always think Lord of Illusions is a Wes Craven movie but it never is!
  • Klute is today's genre-bending "Wha? Huh?" title, but who cares? If its inclusion here gets someone to watch Klute for the first time, then the whole dang month is worth it. 
  • I cannot let Mama appear on this page and not give a shout out to Hot Topic Jessica Chastain. Hot Topic Jessica Chastain 4ever!

SHOCKtober: 752-720




There is no Final Girl, only List!

Each of the following films received one vote.

752. Jennifer -- 1978, Brice Mack
751. John Dies at the End -- 2012, Don Coscarelli
750. Ju-on 2 -- 2003, Takashi Shimizu
749. Killer Party -- 1986, William Fruet
748. King Kong -- 1933, Merian C. Cooper & Ernest B. Schoedsack
747. Kingdom of the Spiders -- 1977, John "Bud" Cardos
746. Klute -- 1971, Alan J. Pakula
745. Knives and Skin -- 2019, Jennifer Reeder
744. La noche del virgen (aka The Night of the Virgin) -- 2016, Roberto San Sebastián
743. Lady in White -- 1988, Frank LaLoggia
742. Lake Bodom -- 2016, Taneli Mustonen
741. Land of the Dead -- 2005, George A. Romero
740. Lasso -- 2017, Evan Cecil
739. Let Sleeping Corpses Lie (aka The Living Dead at Manchester Morgue) -- 1974, Jorge Grau
738. Life -- 2017, Daniel Espinosa
737. Link -- 1986, Richard Franklin
736. Lips of Blood -- 1975, Jean Rollin
735. Little Otik (aka Greedy Guts) -- 2000, Jan Svankmajer
734. Lo -- 2009, Travis Betz
733. Lord of Illusions -- 1995, Clive Barker
732. Lovely Molly -- 2011, Eduardo Sánchez
731. Ma -- 2019, Tate Taylor
730. Madhouse -- 1974, Jim Clark
729. Madman -- 1981, Joe Giannone
728. Magic -- 1978, Richard Attenborough
727. Mama -- 2013, Andy Muschietti
726. Manos: The Hands of Fate -- 1966, Harold P. Warren
725. Mausoleum -- 1983, Michael Dugan
724. Midnight Offerings -- 1981, Rod Holcomb
723. Mimic -- 1997, Guillermo del Toro
722. Monday -- 2000, SABU
721. Monster House -- 2006, Gil Kenan
720. Morgiana -- 1972, Juraj Herz


  • MAU-SO-MOTHERFUCKING-LE-UM! If you've been around these parts for a while, I don't need to tell you about my love for Mausoleum. But maybe you're new, or maybe you don't need to hear about my love for Mausoleum but you want to hear about my love for Mausoleum? Regardless, my love for Mausoleum: it is deep, it is wide, it is true. Neon crypts, corn teeth (my favorite), Marjoe fucking Gorner disco-dancing, a show-stealing LaWanda Page, wanton use of the term "facial fantasy"...Mausoleum has it all and much more. I am so glad to see it here.
  • This chunk o' list is so good! Let Sleeping Corpses Lie, Lovely Molly, Jennifer, KILLER PARTY...there are a lot of my beloveds on display today.
  • There's also some very intriguing films I have yet to see! Morgiana, Monday, and Midnight Offerings, which I have not seen despite the fact that it is a made-for-TV horror movie starring Melissa Sue Anderson, Marion Ross, and Gordon Jump as "Sherm!" What is wrong with me?? (Don't answer that.)
  • I always think Lord of Illusions is a Wes Craven movie but it never is!
  • Klute is today's genre-bending "Wha? Huh?" title, but who cares? If its inclusion here gets someone to watch Klute for the first time, then the whole dang month is worth it. 
  • I cannot let Mama appear on this page and not give a shout out to Hot Topic Jessica Chastain. Hot Topic Jessica Chastain 4ever!