Entries Tagged 'the gay' ↓

Bloggenaire: Tim Grant, Post-Mortem Depression

To be honest with you, Mr. Tim Grant of Post-Mortem Depression doesn't blog enough for my liking...and I say that because I enjoy his blog. It's like being all into a bag of M&Ms and then you discover there are only 6 M&Ms in the bag.

Oh, and don't tell anybody, but I think this guy is A Gay!

PS- How have I existed for so long and I've never seen Tentacles? Truly, one of life's mysteries.

1) What's the key moment that led you to click that "Start Your Blog" button?

As an insecure narcissist under the enduring delusion that tens of people out there might care what I have to say, I simply couldn't avoid that button any longer.

Also, I thought it would be interesting to try to link the subtext of horror films from my formative years with my own psychological development as a gay man. Nobody else was doing it ... and based on the miniscule number of eyeballs my blog gets, it's probable nobody else is reading it either.

But that's okay. My mother still loves me.

But she doesn't read my blog either.

2) Please describe your blog in no more than 3 sentences. You must include the words / phrases "morbid", "aesthetic", and "electromagnetic".

Using a darkly-comic aesthetic, my blog attempts to bridge the gap between two seemingly disconnected and deeply personal aspects of myself -- my morbid fascination with horror films and my psychological development as a gay man.

Though the subject matter is deeply personal, I try to make it entertaining in the hope that at least one other person might find it interesting (judging from my one comment ... exactly one person has ... thank you "thenotoriouslez"). I hope one day to be as pithy and prolific as the electromagnetic Stacie Ponder a.k.a. Final Girl.

3) Bearing in mind that opinions are subjective (except mine because I'm always right), do you enjoy movies that are generally considered "bad"? Why or why not?

I adore bad movies and subject my friends semi-regularly to bad movie nights. For me to consider a film "good-bad," it is crucial that the film isn't campy by design. Artistically earnest incompetence is always more charming than someone just trying to make a buck with a funny title or wink-wink concept. I will take the 1980s musical The Apple over Attack of the Killer Tomatoes any day. No inference should be drawn from the fact that both movies reference fruit in their titles.

My favorite bad movie of all time is the Exorcist II. For bad movie night, I made my friends wear synchronizers made out of cardboard on their head and drink every time the name "Pazuzu" was mentioned. Is that weird? They don't really talk to me anymore.

4) Did you know that there exists one variety of carnivorous parrot? It's true. They live in the mountains of New Zealand, and they eat the fat surrounding the kidneys of sheep- WHILE THE SHEEP ARE ALIVE. It's horrible.

Where you see horror, I see opportunity. We could train them to eat human cellulite instead! We'd be millionaires! What could go wrong?

5) What's the one- ONE- horror movie you love so much you want to stick it down your pants?

The first Friday the 13th. As I discuss in my latest blog entry (plug success!), I love the subtext of the sexually repressed, smothering 1950s mother reacting violently to the sexual freedoms of a new generation.

I also love how the victims never (not once!) use their arms in even the mildest, most lizard-brainish attempt at self-defense. Mrs. V is about to axe you in the face in the bathroom? Just keep your hands in your pockets, close your eyes and stick out your face! Mrs. V is stalking you through the open woods wielding a nasty Bowie knife? Just back yourself up to the closest tree and lift your chin so she can get a good slice across the neck.

I love that one aspect so much that I might just marry it. 

6) Adrienne Barbeau. Discuss.

I like to call her Billy .... everyone does.

7) Why should people bother to read your blog?

Really, they shouldn't. It's completely solipsistic and appeals to the narrowest sliver of the population possible ... those who are interested in gay-centered psychology and trashy horror films. It's almost like I went out of my way to create something nobody would want to read.

Or maybe I'm using reverse psychology. Maybe I just know your readers are a group of iconoclasts and rebels. Maybe I know they are thinking right now --"Nobody's gonna tell me I shouldn't read that blog!!!!" To that I say ... don't let the man keep you down (even if that man is me and I'm cleverly misdirecting you). You have free will -- use it! Click on my blog right now at http://postmortemdepression.blogspot.com. Make comments! Add it to your Google Reader! That'll show me!

8) Where does Jigsaw get all the money he needs to build all those traps and buy all that warehouse space? Better yet, does he have some sort of engineering background? He must, right, if he designs all that crap?

He was a Netscape secretary from the internet boom years? He outsources the torture device design to Halliburton? OK, I got nothin'.

9) Several theories regarding the reasons why people would subject themselves to watching horror films (when they're so, you know, traumatic) exist. Which is closest in line with your feelings on and reactions to the genre? Feel free to elaborate. Or don't, see if I care.

a) RELIEF THEORY: The unpleasant feelings of distress cause more stimulating feelings of relief when the unpleasantness passes- the stressed arousal caused by fear becomes pleasurable arousal later on.

b) CONTINUOUS REWARD: The excitement felt during the film is the appeal in and of itself.


1) Stereotypical gender roles are reinforced: men act as protectors, women need protection.
2) Violating social norms- watching "deviant" entertainment- is exciting.

3) Experiencing heightened emotions with others makes us feel like we "belong" and we're truly part of a group.

I think all of these are valid reasons (with the exception of c1 which I will get to), but I also think there is one more: I'll call my PSYCHOLOGICAL PROJECTION THEORY (I'm keeping with your all caps style to make my theory look equally valid, so there!).

I think that horror movies are metaphors for our own individual psyches. The final girl is the every person - a little repressed, hesitant, insecure. She is our avatar into the shadowlands of our own psyches which are populated with scary echoes of our past -- angry punishing moms like Mrs. Voorhees, creepy pedophiles like Freddy Krueger -- and/or representatives of our own darkest primal impulses -- like the pure wordless infantile rage of Jason Voorhees.

Through the final girl, we are given a way to experience the terror of the "scary place where the bad thing happened" inside of us in a way that is safe, communal, and fun.

In terms of c1 (“Stereotypical gender roles are reinforced: men act as protectors, women need protection.”), I believe, as Carol Clover does, that the opposite is true. Mens' machismo is rarely rewarded in horror movies. The female almost always survives and does so based on her own abilities.

Does Ginny get any help from Paul in F13 Pt 2? What about Sally in TCM? Jerry, Kirk and Franklin ride the saw early on. But, Sally is beaten with hammers, cut, used as a human sippy cup for Grandpa, and forced to jump through two plate glass windows. But she keeps going and survives. The women are shown to be stronger in the end.

10) Which year produced better horror movies: 1977 or 1981? Why?

Tough one. I'd have to go with 1977. Suspiria and The Hills Have Eyes are classics -- still disturbing after all these years. 1977 also has some of my favorite bad films, including Exorcist II, and the double-whammy of Jaws rip-offs -- Orca and Tentacles. I think any year that has a killer octopus movie starring Shelley Winters should just be declared the best year that ever was.

1981 is close. I didn't like Friday the 13th Part 2 when it first came out, because I loved me some Mama Voorhees and didn't like the "Jason is really alive" thing. But now that Jason has been around for three decades, I can look back on it with fondness. Ginny is a kick ass final girl. The guy in the wheelchair is all kinds of cute. Halloween 2 has also grown on me, too.

But no killer octopus. No Shelley Winters. 1977 wins.

11) What the eff is up with those French and their crazy horror flicks?

Two words -- Jerry Lewis. It explains everything.

12) What's your favorite Animals Run Amok movie?

Toss up between Food of the Gods and Squirm. I guess I have to give the edge to Squirm, since "Wormface" has become the official mascot of "Post Mortem Depression".

13) If Jason Voorhees is on a train heading east at 80mph and Leatherface is on a train heading west at 65mph…why the hell would anyone ever watch Rob Zombie's Halloween?

The answer to your question is 15.

14) What are your funereal wishes?

Someone stands up in the middle of the ceremony, points out my murderer and declares "It was you!", then presents the murder weapon -- an empty bottle of lye -- as evidence of her treachery.

15) Why do I have such a fondness for Shelley Hack? It's not like she's really done much to deserve it, but there it is.

Do you also have a similar fondness for Jenilee Harrison, cousin Cindy Snow of Three's Company? Just looking for patterns.

16) You're on a sinking ghost ship that's being piloted by a witch. What are your last words?

The horror …. the … horror …

17) Asking about your funereal wishes and your last words means nothing, I swear.
Why? I didn't swear at you.

18) Do you know where I can get some lye?

Wait ... a ... minute....

19) Weren't you glad when THAT JERK in THAT HORROR MOVIE got what was coming to him?

THAT HORROR MOVIE was a little slow for me and I found THAT JERK's performance to be thoroughly unconvincing. However, when THAT DOUCHEBAG got whacked in THAT OTHER HORROR MOVIE, I was tingly in the places where my underpants should have been.

20) Overall, what’s your favorite era of horror films?

Late Seventies and early Eighties.

21) Would you rather be:

1) a vampire

2) a witch/warlock
3) a werewolf
4) a Frankenstein (and yes, I know technically it’s “Frankenstein’s monster” but “a Frankenstein” sounds better)

5) a Jaws

A warlock. I always wanted to be Uncle Arthur. I got the Uncle Arthur gay, but not the Uncle Arthur magical powers. I feel a little cheated.

22) If you could turn back time- if you could find a way- would you take back those words that hurt me, so I’d stay?

Every single one ... except that one word ... you know the one I'm talking about ... and you know why... don't play dumb ...

23) What's something you want people to know about you or your blog that I didn't ask?

Reading Post Mortem Depression will make you a better person. More attractive people will want to have sex with you more often simply because you read this blog.

Okay, well that's not exactly true. In fact it's a big fat lie.

The truth is my blog is just a little lonely. Sure it's not as pretty as some of the other blogs, but it's got personality. It's got a good heart.

OK, fine. It'll put out and won't get all clingy and drunk dial for days after you visit.

Buy a blog a drink?


Big thanks to Tim. Stay tuned for another exciting episode of...THE BLOGGENAIRES!

awesome movie poster friday – the LESBIAN VAMPIRE edition!

compare and contrast!

So, it's 11:30pm and I'm about to start writing my column for AMC, which is due in the morning. Though I'm kicking myself in the BEhind for starting it so late, it happens every week so I shouldn't be surprised. The topic for this week (ooh, top secret!) has me trawling through my archives in search of the title of a movie I've written about in the past. Said trawling has brought about this Final Girl post, which I'll call Ancient History Regarding the First Time I Was Edited Severely for an Article I Was Asked to Write and How the Results Made Me Want to Kill Myself and No It's Not Something I Wrote for AMC and Yes I Should Be Over It and I Mostly Am Although Reading It Again Brought Up Residual Feelings of "What the FUCK?" and I Probably Shouldn't Even Do This Post But I'm Going to Anyway Because I Feel Like Sharing So There.

The article in question I was asked to write- I stress this because it indicates to me that the editor was at least aware of my writing "style", which is perhaps a bit unconventional as it was born and bred exclusively on this here blog where I am THE BOSS OF ME- was to be a piece about lesbians and Halloween and all the...I don't know, getting the lesbian chocolate in the Halloween peanut butter or whatever. You know what I mean. Like, what horror movies feature lesbos? and that sort of thing. It took me forever to write that damn article, and when I saw the finished product online, well, let's just say that steam came out of my ears. In fact, steam probably came out of most, if not all, of my orifices.

You know, I was going to delete that last sentence because it's really gross and perhaps mostly untrue, but I'm tired and I have a long night ahead of me and at the moment I find it amusing so it stays.

Onward to the worthless past-dredging-uppening! Here are the opening two paragraphs I wrote:
If you’re anything at all like me, then Halloween trumps all as the most wonderful time of the year (that’s right- in your face, Escalator Safety Awareness Week!). There are scary movies on TV ad nauseum, cheap horror DVDs appear in the unlikeliest places (I picked up Salem’s Lot at my grocery store; it was displayed next to the frozen pizzas, and for just a moment I thought maybe I’d somehow passed into The Great Beyond and didn’t know it), and there are rubber-n-cardboard decorations everywhere. Walking past fake cobwebs on my way to find the Q-Tips makes me feel like my local CVS is haunted, I swear. “Mayhaps it was built on an Indian burial ground!” I say to myself, often followed by something like “Ooh look! My shampoo is on sale. Thank you, kind spirits of the underworld!”

Also, if you’re anything like me you can’t eat raisins for too long because after a while you start thinking that they’re not really fruit at all- they’re actually bug bodies- and you get grossed out. That, however, is a discussion for another time. We’re here talk about how you- yes, you!- can make this the most leztastic Halloween ever! I mean, above and beyond bobbing for fanny packs and eating Peppermint Patties until you burst, even.
I mean, it's certainly not the greatest thing ever written (that honor belongs to the novelization of the film 9 to 5, or at least so I thought when I was a wee bonny lass and I saw the paperback in the grocery store and I just had to have it), but it's definitely Final Girl-flavored.

Now...siiiigh...here is what those paragraphs were turned into for publication:
If you’re a horror fan like me, then Halloween trumps all as the most wonderful time of the year. Sure, there are plenty of awful movies out there, but I'm an optimist when it comes to horror films. I simply love a good scare and the adrenaline rush it provides. Even better? There are tons of horror flicks (and a few TV shows) with lesbians in them.

That's why I've put together this handy guide to lesbians and bisexual women in horror.

From the tried and true (Buffy, of course!) to the rare and scary (Robert Wise's The Haunting, for instance) and everything in between (including an almost-forgotten appearance by Amanda Bearse in Fright Night), this guide takes you beyond the lesbian vampire and into the gory world of murdered sorority girls, slumber party massacres and lesbian camping trips gone very, very bad.

So light up your jack-o-lanterns and get your spooky punch ready, because now you can make this the Best. Lesbian. Halloween. Ever.

See? That's what'll get ya steaming orifices. There are words- sentences- WHOLE FUCKING PARAGRAPHS- there that I did not write. "Spooky punch"? Spooky fucking punch? I would never in a million years type those words except for right there where I typed them to make the point that I would never type them.

What's the point of posting this when the article in question is well over a year old and isn't it a little ungracious or unprofessional or something besides? None! There is no point whatsoever! Except that apparently it's a pain that will never ever leave me, much like The Clap. Not that I have The Clap or even know, really, what it is- is it short for chlamydia?- and whether or not it is, in fact, painful. It's just that no one really talks about The Clap anymore, and I think that's a shame.

Yet another shame is the fact that I've now spent half an hour writing this diatribe instead of what I'm supposed to be writing. Damn you, old ire!

Note: posting a picture of this dog in a Halloween costume in a post about an article about the phenomena known as "Lesbian Halloween" does not mean that I'm insinuating that this dog is a lesbian. First, I don't even know if it has a vagina- as Yoda is male, I would assume the dog is also male. Then again, in first grade I dressed up as The Incredible Hulk for Halloween, and the last time I checked (earlier today) I'm a female. Of course, if the dog is a lesbian, that's perfectly fine.

Note the second: I "checked" my "femaleness" by attempting to do some math (I failed miserably) and I spent some time just nagging in a general sort of way. Viva la femme!

urgh! (a new blog post)

I say unto me, woe, my friends, for October has come and gone with nary a peep from yours truly. NARY A PEEP I SAY! It's a sad state of affairs, to be sure, when my most favoritest time of the year fails to spark a fire in me. But spark it did not! I've been experiencing...not exactly writer's block, per se, but rather, perhaps, writer's blah...as well as watcher's blah. Supreme unmotivation. I've hardly watched anything lately, and when I have managed to park it ("it" meaning "my ass") in front of a movie, it hasn't been horror-related. Sure, the recent Lifetime Movie Network Tori Spelling double feature got me all ten kinds of pumped (umm...back-to-back Co-Ed Call Girl and Awake to Danger, y'all...that's some mid-90s primo Tori action right there! Oh my god, I love Co-Ed Call Girl, especially when Tori's pimp starts talking about the incredible power she seems to have over men...), but that's not really Final Girl fodder. Or is it?

Meh. Though I haven't been jazzed enough lately to put cyber-pen to cyber-paper, I suppose it's time to get back on the cyber-horse. Maybe November can become the new October or something, and my love affair with horror movies will burst into passionate flames once more and I'll wonder why we ever spent a moment apart. Recommend something for me in the comments and maybe sparks will fly.

Lest you think I've simply been sitting here staring at the wall instead of posting, let me assure you: that's only 68% true. I've still been giving AMC their weekly dose of me...I just haven't been talking about it here. But today is the first day of the rest of my life, yes? Yes! So here are links to all the columns I've neglected to mention in recent...holy crap, in recent weeks. Fucking A, I suck!

- I wrote about William Castle and the lost art of gimmick movie-making.

- I created a DIY slashers guide, expanding a bit on my original Slashers 101 series.

- Great moments in gore, y'all.

- Resident Evil! I love Resident Evil!

- A wee recommendations guide.

- I reviewed Roger Corman's The Haunted Palace, starring Vincent Price and Lon Chaney, Jr. It's currently available to watch at amctv.com.

So, I've been writing. I've also been working some Ghostella's Haunted Tomb "magic"; I'd finished and uploaded the season finale, only to discover a need for reshoots. It's totally my fault and it's not really a big deal, but it's a pain in the arse all the same and the episode won't be up until next week, most likely. I can totally tease you about it, though, by saying this: I've got a special guest star! My special guest star is Lena Headey! Yes, the same Lena Headey who stars as Sarah Connor in Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. Yes, the same Lena Headey who starred as Queen Gorgo in 300. Yes (and perhaps most importantly), the same Lena Headey who starred as a super-sexy cave-diving scientist in The Cave. Lena Headey in Ghostella's Haunted Tomb? As the kids today might say, WTF? I wouldn't believe it either if I were you, but here's some photographic evidence in the form of a "screen" "cap" from the film.

I don't know why I put that in quotes; this really is a screencap.

I know; I still don't believe it, either.

So there's that. I've also been painting a bit. For all my fellow BioShock nerds out there, I made this set: a Little Sister and a Big Daddy:

FYI for all you citizens of Squaresville out there, BioShock is a video game.

I made this dizzazzling set for a friend's birthday: it's 4 glass coasters that double as picture frames, featuring Television's Greatest Geriatric Detectives!

Neat, huh? The pictures are about 1.5" square, and they come in the sweet-n-spinny holder rack thingy. If anyone is interested in...say, a set featuring horror type folks or what have you (I mean, like, coasters featuring Freddy, Michael, Jason, and Leatherface? Or Universal Monsters? Fuck yeah!), just get in touch with me. I'm open for coaster commissions and painting commissions, and I've got galleries on my MySpace and Facebook pages for you social networking goons out there.

Anytinkle, that's about that. Yeah, I think it's high time I made out with Final Girl again, don't you think? I've been so lax I have nary a clue as to what's going on in the horror world at all; I haven't checked the news in weeks. What have I missed? Have they remade the remake of Dawn of the Dead yet? Is Saw MCMVII due anytime soon? I'm so out of the loop; let's catch up over a coffee, preferably one from Dunkin' Donuts.

Oh, and one more thing before I go: You probably haven't heard much about it, but tomorrow is Election Day here in the US. I don't know what your political stripe is, and (aduh and adoy) Final Girl isn't about politics. Regardless, I'm urging any Californians out there to vote NO on Proposition 8. Let's not make discrimination legal, okay?

Here's one particularly eye-opening TV spot, which just so happens to star someone you're probably familiar with by now, Bridget McManus (stand up comedian, talk show host, Final Girl Film Club member, Ghostella's Haunted Tomb star, and my pal).

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go find something to watch.


There's a particularly cracked-out column by yours truly over at AMC today, talking about...err...imaginary TV shows for horror icons. Or something like that. Read, comment, recommend, read and comment and recommend! If we all band together, I'm sure The Leatherface Show can become a reality. Let's dare to dream, kids!

Providing further proof that he is the man, Arbogast has a wonderful post today suggesting that all you Californians vote A BIG FUCKING FAT NO on Proposition 8 come election time. For those of you not in the know, that's the proposed amendment that would ban gay marriage. I'm not one to blog about politics, but you know...I'm pretty sure gay marriage won't 1) affect or "demean" the marriages of heterosexual couples, and 2) bring about the end of the world...unless, of course, Alucarda is one of the brides. That might very well signal the end of times, but that's got all to do with her Beelzebubbin' ways, not her lesbionics!

Vote NO for the lesbian vampires of the world! Vote NO for the dads in Sleepaway Camp! Vote NO for Michael Myers and Dr Loomis!

Vote NO because it's the right thing to do.


I am such an absentee parent, and for this I am ashamed. Let us, however, accentuate the positive, hmm? Like, that I got a haircut. And also...

You may or may not have noticed that I cleaned house around here a bit, adding fancy pants graphic links in the sidebar. It was getting seriously cluttered over there and it needed some prettification. Now if you click, say, the Awesome Movie Poster Friday pic, it'll magically zap you to a page listing all of said Fridays. Isn't that amazing? It is. Don't try to deny it.

In related news, I've started labeling posts- in fact, I went back and tagged my entire archive which took forever. FOR-EVER. Some of the labels are actually helpful...the rest...well, I have no idea. I thought they were funny and/or strangely appropriate when I was making them, but I'm sure I was all methed out at the time. Please take this into consideration before you judge me!

My pimp-fu has been seriously lacking of late and I've been neglecting to post here whenever my AMC columns have gone up. What's old news to me is new news to some however, and you may care to thrill to my musings on eeeevil sidekicks and/or disaster movies.

From the news almost completely unrelated to horror department: Ghostella's Haunted Tomb star, Final Girl Film Club member, and my bestest pal in the whole entire universe, the amazing Bridget McManus is moving from the online world to the TV world tonight when her talk show Brunch With Bridget airs on LOGO at 2am. Wait, is that tonight or tomorrow morning? Eh, semantics shmemantics. Regardless, Brunch has gone from an email pitch to a TV show in about 8 months, which is quite an achievement. That's less time than it takes to make a human!

Watch it, DVR it, send her congratulatory comments and vibes, and click here to check out the promo spot for the show. Fuck this clicking links shit! Here's her opener...

Lesbian video from AfterEllen.com

I've been obsessed with Madge the Manicurist since I remembered her existence late last night. What a whirlwind 9 hours it's been!

VHS Week, Day 1: Night Warning

I'm not quite sure what I was expecting, exactly, from "the best horror movie of 1982" (that's Night Warning, folks), but whatever it was I expected...I'm pretty sure I didn't get it. Actually, I do know what I was expecting- some sort of slasher flick. After all, part of the lengthy description on the back of the box reads as follows:
Numbed by this deadly chain of events, each person seeks to escape the mounting terror, only to find they're racing headlong toward the guilty party.
Yeah sure, it's a bit vague, but still, it gives one a certain slasher-y impression. Had I seen the box art for this movie under its original title Butcher, Baker, Nightmare Maker, however, I would have had a far more accurate impression of what the film would entail.

Well, no matter. It just goes to show, you simply can't trust a wily VHS box!

So, Night Warning. It's a bit like Mommie Dearest on crack with a bloody twist of Psycho- in other words, it rocks! I knew it would rock within the first fifteen minutes, when young Billy's parents drive off, leaving him in the care of his Aunt Cheryl (Susan Tyrrell), only to die in a car accident moments later. This wasn't any old car accident, though- this was a low-budget Final Destination-style sequence de resistance! The brakes go out, then Billy's dad is decapitated when the car rams into a logging truck, then the car pitches over a cliff, then it explodes- all ensuring that Billy's parents are wicked dead. Consider my mouth open and my cheeks slapped in a decidedly Home Alone fashion!

14 years later, Billy is all grown up and Jimmy McNichol-ized. He's still living with Aunt Cheryl, who creepily and consistently crosses the line into don't ever do anything like that with your nephew territory. When Billy wants to have a girl over for his birthday dinner, Cheryl says no, insisting she'll be his date. She watches him sleep and wakes him by purring in his ear and scratching his back like a perverted cat. It's all very unsettling, and it's only the beginning.

I swear, it's like Cheryl thinks she's Judith Light of television's Who's the Boss in the made-for-TV movie Too Close to Home (also starring Rick(y) Schroeder of television's Silver Spoons), the way she does anything and everything to keep Billy in her home and her clutches. When simply trying to convince Billy that he won't make it in college ("It's for rich kids and people with brains- you wouldn't fit in!") doesn't work, Cheryl drugs his milk so he passes out at the big basketball game and ruins his chance at winning an athletic scholarship.

Things heat up when a TV repairman pays a visit and Aunt Cheryl puts the creepilicious moves on him...or rather, things don't heat up, much to Cheryl's dismay. He deflects her gropings and come-ons until he finally relents and suggests she give him a blow job. Despite the fact that she's agreed to do "anything", Cheryl flips out and stabs the repairman to death. Billy walks in and ends up covered with blood, clutching the knife. This can't be good, right? Right!

Cheryl fully admits to killing the repairman, claiming that it was self-defense as he was attempting to rape her. Detective Carlson (Bo Svenson) is unconvinced, however- he's sure Billy is the murderer. And the motive? Psychosis homosexualia, of course! The repairman was actually bisexual and was having a love affair with Billy's basketball coach- and Carlson just knows that Billy was the c-squared to their a-squared and b-squared. It's a murder most Pythagorian! And gay!

Yes, gay. 1982 was a year when homosexual characters started inching their way out of the celluloid closet (see also: Best, Personal). Carlson is a homophobe and a rascist painted with a wide, wide brush: he uses the word "fag" the way the Smurfs use the word "smurf". "Are you a fag? I bet you're a fag. He's a fag. Fag fag faggity fag. PS: fag!" Aunt Cheryl is no better: when Billy continues to treat his coach like...like...like a human, she quips "Do you know that homosexuals are very sick?" Eh. At least all the homophobes are kookadooks.

Eventually, Aunt Cheryl goes completely off the rails, by which I mean "completely off the fucking rails". She cuts her hair off a la Jodie Foster in The Accused, she kills everyone who gets between her and Billy, she kills everyone who comes close to discovering her secret, she has a secret which may or may not involve a corpse in the basement. Susan Tyrrell gives an unbelievable, balls out performance that simply needs to be seen. She. Is. AWESOME.

Though it wasn't at all what I thought it was going to be, Night Warning was absolutely a delight- even if I still have no clue what exactly a "night warning" is. Man, Susan Tyrrell! She fucking owns this movie. There's a DVD release rumored for later this year so you can check it out for yourself- this is a real VHS gem, an underrated psychological horror flick. The only thing that would've made it better is if it'd been Kristy McNichol in the lead instead of her brother Jimmy. Sure, that would've added a whole 'nother layer to the psychosexual drama, but that's okay. Kristy McNichol makes everything better. Even the Gardenburger I had for dinner- delicious as it was- would have been tastier if Kristy McNichol had made it for me. It's, like, totally a fact.

greetings from Camp Arawak part 2

In the midst of all of the hullabaloo surrounding the upcoming Return to Sleepaway Camp, the fourth film in the series, I thought I'd take a moment to make a list I've decided to call

Some Things I Love About Sleepaway Camp

Christ, that's clever! And yes, I know there's no "hullabaloo" surrounding Return to Sleepaway Camp. First off, "hullabaloo" was today's highlighted word on my Word-A-Day desk calendar and I wanted to use it in a sentence- I mean, how else am I going to remember it? Secondly, I just wanted to pretend there's some hullabaloo going on to add a little spice to this boring Friday afternoon. Is that so wrong? To want some pizazz? To want to turn this post from the equivalent of dull, rote calisthenics to the equivalent of exciting, death-defying Jazzercise?

And no, I don't actually have a Word-A-Day desk calendar, but I don't really see how that makes any difference. Get off my fucking back already!

It goes without saying that there are bound to be spoilers on this list. It also goes without saying that if you've yet to see Sleepaway Camp, you should probably leave right now and not come back until you've seen it. We don't want your kind around these parts, unseer!

Some Things I Love About Sleepaway Camp

1) Ronnie (Paul DeAngelo), the jacked-up counselor who wears super-tight tops, super-short shorts that create disturbing crotch bulges, and matching tennies.

2) "You're just jealous!" Omifuckinggod, Judy, yes we are! I love Judy and her sour attitude, her massive side-ponytail, and the shirt she wears with her name on it. I want one...yeah, one that says "Judy".

3) Death by bees, death by hot water, death by boat, death by curling iron...despite the low-budget, there are some rather creative kills going on here- and the effects aren't half bad!

4) Gay, gay, gay. From the bizarre black box theatre performance of Men, Petting to the homoerotic baseball game to the homoerotic night swimming to the homoerotic water balloon fighting, there's just a lot of...homoeroticosity going on in this movie.

"Homoeroticosity" is totally a word- I saw it on my Word-A-Day desk calendar last Tuesday.

5) Ricky's foul mouth. As you may have noticed, I do so love a good swear word, and Ricky manages to bust out with some choice ones: dickface, asshole, prick, cocksucker, chickenshit, fuckin' pussies...it's almost enough to make my gramma blush.

6) "Hey, bob-a-ree-bob..."

7) The cop who shows up early on, then returns later sporting THE BEST WORST FAKE MOUSTACHE IN THE HISTORY OF EVER. You can tell I feel strongly about it because I used all those capital letters.

But really, is that shoe polish?

8) "Oh my god, we hit a boat!" This girl tries so hard at the acting thing, it's awesome. I love her, whoever she is. Also of note from the opening scene: the Noo Yawk accents. "Did not, you lie-uh!"

9) "The name is Meg. M-E-G." I totally want to cop Meg's attitude and spell my name out when meeting people from now on. I also totally want to know exactly what it is that the girl in the red shirt loves. Maybe Meg's headband! I mean, H-E-A-D-B-A-N-D.

10) Ricky's hat, which he wears unironically. Look at that strut! He totally pimps around in that thing like he's George Jefferson.

11) The many stares of Angela. Whether she's watching Judy unpack, getting pelted with water balloons, coming dangerously close to being raped by the sleazy cook, getting yelled at by Judy and/or M-E-G, or simply sitting on a bench, the girl is indeed a "nutcake". A stary, stary nutcake.

12) Umm...

No one saw that one coming. Anyone who says they did is a lying liar. Sure, maybe you guessed the killer's identity, but there's no way you guessed that the innie was actually an outie.

There you go, some things I love about Sleepaway Camp. Don't you feel that we've grown closer during this process? I do.