Entries Tagged 'cockroaches who can fart fire' ↓

Day 24 – "Mother of God…they’ll kill all of us!"

As someone who is vehemently opposed to humor in all forms, I tend to avoid horror-comedies. Sure, a little of one in the other is fine, but I like to keep the funny and the scary separate like a cinematic McDLT. That's my excuse, anyway, for being an animals run amok aficionado who had never seen Piranha (1978) before last night.

I can think of no other reason why I wouldn't have chomped this one down ages ago. Everything else point to it being made just for me. A 70s animal attack movie from Joe Dante, with a cast one only dares to dream of:  Bradford Dillman, who famously fought the fire-farting cockroachs of Bug! Keenan Wynn of television's Dallas! Barbara Steele, star of this year's SHOCKtober! Dick Miller! Kevin McCarthy! Paul Bartel! Melody Thomas Scott of The Young and the Restless! It goes on and on. And just went you sit up on your fainting couch, you find out that John Sayles wrote this shit and you say "WHAT!" and you immediately come down with another case of the vapors.

All this to say, the three people who called Piranha a favorite horror movie in 2020 were really on to something, because it's a lot of fun. Yes, I say this even though it has some comedy in it!

A couple of horny young folk break into a disused military testing facility and decide that a giant murky pool is a great place for some skinny dipping. After something (spoiler: it's piranhas) in the water noms them a shitton of times, the horny young folk are dead.

Feisty skip tracer Maggie (Heather Menzies) searches for the horny young folk with the help of local reclusive drunkard me Paul (Dillman); they make their way to the testing facility and drain the murky pool, only to be scolded by local weirdo scientist Dr. Hoak (McCarthy). Hoak explains that the murky pool was not only full of the leftovers of the military's biowarfare experiments, dubbed Operation: Razorteeth...it drained right into a nearby river. 

Two points of note: one, I never thought I'd get the chance to describe a character as a "feisty skip tracer," so Piranha has already proven to be a gift. Second, I loved the little stop-motion dude in Hoak's lab and was really hoping to see more of him!

Maggie, Paul, and Hoak set off down the river on a raft to warn as many folks as they can about the incoming piranha threat, making stops at the summer camp where Paul's daughter is staying and a new resort run by Dick Miller. The military is called in to help clean up the mess, and Barbara Steele is one of the military scientists. Yes, Piranha keeps giving and giving.

There is a lot of carnage in this movie: women, children, Paul Bartel...those piranha don't care who you are, they will swim in, make a gurgly woobwoobwoob noise (not to be confused with a Three Stooges woobwoobwoob noise), and nibble you to death, turning the river red with your blood. It's so great. 

The characters were charming and weird (thank you, John Sayles), there was no skimping on the attack scenes (thank you, Joe Dante), and abrupt-as-hell ending aside, I enjoyed the heck out of this (thank you, three voters). Except, of course, for all the times something funny happened. Those parts were the worst. If anyone says I so much as cracked a smile during this movie, I'll say I was hacked! 

early bird

AMC ran my column early this week because it's a wee interview with Aaron Paul, the dude who stars on the AMC series Breaking Bad who's not the dad from Malcolm in the Middle. He also stars in the remake of The Last House on the Left, which opens this week. Now your Tuesday is like your Wednesday, which I know is going to throw you off-track. For this I apologize, but remember- what doesn't kill you generally makes you want to kill someone else.

In related news: who's going to see Last House?

In other related news, posting is going to be light this week because...well, because I'm busy. Maybe even biz-zay. But what's taking me away from movie watching and the such is actually stuff that I can share with you down the road, so it'll all work out in the end. You know that I do everything for you...but I won't do that! Or something.

In other other related news, I'm glad to see that the results of my Wendy Torrance poll are currently in her favor. It's good to see her get some love!

In other other other related news, Toosday Toons is up. Dare you step inside...The Last House on the Right?

In other other other other related news, here's a scene from Bug. I know you gaze lovingly at that little photo in my sidebar where the woman's hair is on fire...now you can watch the movie magic happen right before your very eyes!

If there's one day I don't want my hair to catch on fire, it's my birthday. Yes, that's the set from The Brady Bunch. I'd also like to point out that she decides to make "chicken mousse", which contains "jellied chicken". I'm sure there's something out there that's more repulsive than jellied chicken and chicken mousse, but whatever it is I'd rather not know about it. Let's distract ourselves from such grossness by re-reading my review of Bug. Sweet relief!


Hey y'all, today's the day of Dead Lantern's Splatcademy Awards! For which I was nominated! In a category!

Let's all listen at 1pm central time today and find out if enough of you kind folks voting so I can be crowned "winnah". I certainly hope so, otherwise I'm sitting here in a Mishi Mooshi gown for nothing. Alright, so it's enough to simply be nominated. Sigh.

I made up Mishi Mooshi, by the way. This gown- and by "gown" I mean "appliqued vest" is actually from the Quacker Factory.

Anyway, give the good fellows at Dead Lantern a listen. And don't just say you'll listen- do it! Lest 1) you fail tomorrow's quiz, and 2) this happens:

Why that would happen, I can't really say. I DON'T HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS.


Come on, now. Write your own words.

Exhibit A

Exhibit B, a couple of hours later.

Yeah, I'm calling this shit out. I can't be bothered to scroll his archives to find out if there's more. Should I be flattered? Fuck that. This site isn't changing the world or anything, but I work really fucking hard at it. I spend an awful lot of time thinking of what to write, jokes to make, blah blah fucking blah, purely because I want to. If you can't think of anything original to say and you start cutting and pasting my words, then fuck off and don't come back. And really, don't link to me.

Look over to my sidebar on the right, and scroll all the way down to the bottom. See where it says don't steal my shit? Well, I put that there because you shouldn't steal my shit. Click that little button and see what it says.

A pox AND fire-farting cockroaches upon his house!

UPDATE (ooh, saying that makes me feel so Unsolved Mysteries)- apparently the offending blog has winked out of existence. An odd resolution, but a resolution nonetheless. I'm not going to delete this post, however, for reasons that are twofold:
  1. This way, my expletive-riddled feelings regarding stealing are on record.
  2. I haven't talked about fire-farting cockroaches in quite some time, and I'd like it if they got a little attention.
Thanks to everyone who sounded off here or there. The support is mucho appreciato.

Boy, speaking French makes me feel so cultured. What a day of feelings!