Entries Tagged 'i’m a nerd' ↓

The Master of Unlocking returns!

Yeah yeah, blah blah blah, I fucking love Resident Evil. I snatch up any and all RE video games, much in the way a crackhead snatches up...well, crack. Therefore, Resident Evil 5 was a day-of-release purchase for me. I had a lot of fun with it, but as I've said, as a whole it was a bit of a disappointment. Not because it was a bad game, but rather because it didn't feel like a Resident Evil game. It was long on action and shooting and short on exploration and puzzle-solving.

Well! It seems that The People in Charge of That Sort of Thing read my diary, because yesterday saw the release of "Lost in Nightmares", a downloadable scenario that plays directly to my fangirlish desires.

There's a flashback in Resident Evil 5 where we see Chris Redfield and Jill Valentine heading back to the Spencer Mansion...thanks to "Lost in Nightmares", we now get to play through those events. Yes, Chris and Jill are reunited and yes, it feels rather good. Traipsing through the dark, dusty halls of that familiar mansion, low on ammo, killing zombies and reading journals (fellow RE nerds, you'll understand that I was happy to see "itchy...tasty" makes a return appearance)...it's like being in the days of yore. It's scary, and it's awesome. Unfortunately, it's only a scenario. Me want full game!

I understand that franchises need to change and grow to stay relevant, but it's tricky. Don't change enough and you end up like Silent Hill- I still suck those games up, too, but even I admit it's feeling a little stale. But if they change too much, it then feels too unfamiliar. I love this little throwback, though, and I hope The People in Charge of That Sort of Thing continue reading my diary and we see a full game that returns to the series' roots. Resident Evil is the king shit of survival horror, and "Lost in Nightmares" reminds me why that's been true for a decade.

Bad Girls Club

Don't let that title scare you: I'm not going to talk about Bad Girls Club the reality show...although I could. I could because I watch it, which is something I'm perhaps a little bit ashamed of, but on the other hand I don't care. The show, which throws seven generally horrible women in a house together for...well, I guess no good reason, really, is pretty much a display of womanhood (or perhaps humanity) at its worst. It's also a prime example of the poor state of television today, how creative, thought-provoking shows are tossed by the wayside to make way for "real life" programs where people act like jerks.

Then again, Bad Girls Club is thought-provoking in a Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom sort of way. I watch and I wonder what I would do if I were suddenly thrust into their den of debauchery. They'd all put on their...things that can't possibly qualify as dresses and go out to get tanked for the 14th night in a row, while I'd decline to stay home and watch Cathy's Curse, followed up by a few hours of playing Dragon Age (hurr hurr I'm an elf mage!), followed up by an issue or two of old Uncanny X-Men. They'd yell at me and threaten to beat me up, and I'd remind them that I'm old and I'm a nerd, and then I'd cry. I can't relate to these women on any level whatsoever, and thus Bad Girls Club is one of the 4 or 5 shows I watch. Judge me if you will!

Holy crap, I said I wasn't going to talk about the reality show, and then I totally did. I lied! Gasssssp, maybe I am a Bad Girl after all!

What I really meant to talk about, though, is this week's column at AMC by moi truly, wherein I offer up a list of ten of my favorite She-Creatures and Bad Girls and Villainessesssess of Horror. I tried to think a little bit outside the box and throw some different names around, but not TOO outside the box because that's scary. Enjoy!

Watch Bad Girls Club, only on Oxygen!

slap happy

So, like, remember the other day when I put up a link to my review of Bitch Slap that's currently nestled in the sweet, sweet bosom of Pretty/Scary? Yeah, me too. Wasn't that neat? Yeah, I think so too. Well kids, now there's more of my...uh...Bitch Slappery posted over there. This time in the form of: interviews! Yes, some chattings with actresses Erin Cummings, Julia Voth, and America Olivo...not to mention stunt coordinator supreme Zoe fucking Bell. Read it...if you dare! Clickety click.

Some trivia for you: Julia Voth is the face behind Jill Valentine in the Gamecube remake/relaunch of Resident Evil.

Not gonna lie: there were times during the interview where I was totally going "Hurrr hurr hurrrrr...Resident Evil....hurrr....Jill Valentine....", for as you know I loves me some Resident Evil. Thankfully I was only doing it in my head. Although in retrospect, had I been doing it out loud, it may have made for a nice story for everyone assembled to tell later on.

zombies and more zombies

A little while back when I was ruminating on recent horror-flavored video games, I mentioned Left 4 Dead and how I dig it. Well, thanks to the repulsive, disgusting consumerfest known as Black Friday I scored a copy of the recently-released sequel (cleverly titled Left 4 Dead 2) for but a pittance. Hooray, more zombie-blasting action!

In Left 4 Dead 2, players assume the persona of a survivor making their way through zombie-infested hordes in search of rescue, stopping in safe rooms across the way. While this is essentially the same idea as the original L4D, the gameplay has been tweaked and ratcheted up to new levels of insanity.

First and foremost comes the addition of melee weapons. In addition to blasting away the undead with shotguns and pistols, you can now hack 'em up with axes and machetes, or whack 'em with a frying pan (which results in a rather satisfying "gonnnggg" sound), or mow 'em down with a chainsaw. It's visceral and immediate and really, really gross- holy moly, the grue flies in this game. The screen is splattered with blood, zombie entrails leave trails on the ground, and body parts are everywhere; the gore, in fact, is so prevalent that the game has been banned in Australia.

These are new era zombies, the kind that run straight for your face faster than the wind and/or Flo Jo...and there are just so many of them, they never seem to stop coming at you. Several times I've cautiously stepped out of a safe room only to be set upon by a mass of the undead gunning for me. The difficulty level, it seems, has been ramped up a bit in L4D2, and I'm not complaining- it's total madness.

Both the sequel and the original game feature intermittent "crescendo events", wherein players are forced to make enough noise to attract the horde. For example, you've got to open an alarmed door to proceed, and the blaring sound will infuriate the hundreds of zombies in the surrounding area. In the original game, the sound would eventually stop on its own; now, however, you've got to figure out a way to stop the noise yourself. You know, open a door and fight your way through a store (and masses of the undead) to reach the alarm's off button. It's a welcome addition that adds incredible tension- and frequently has me running out of ammo.

In addition to your run of the mill rotters, L4D2 features "special infected"- sort of uber-zombies who have abilities above and beyond running fast and biting hard. All the special infected from the first game return- the Boomer is back to puke more undead-attracting bile on you- but there's a whole new batch of them to avoid as well.

Story has never been a hallmark of Left 4 Dead- it's all action, and the plot is boiled down to the simplest "the world is fucked, let's get out of here!" terms. That's much the same here, although the 5 scenarios ("campaigns") are loosely intertwined and somewhat sequential; at the end of one, for example, players drive off in a car...at the start of the next campaign, they're forced to abandon the car when the highway becomes impassable. The setting (Louisiana, from the bayous to New Orleans) is on a larger scale than that in the first game, and you truly feel as if you're making your way across the land in search of help. Along the way are abandoned evac sites and refugee stations, and it quickly becomes obvious that the government agency dealing with the zombie outbreak ("CEDA") has, for one reason or another, failed the local population. Hints of Hurricane Katrina can't be ignored, and it's easy to surmise that yeah, this is probably the way shit would go down if this ever happened....which, who knows? Walls covered with graffiti claiming that "THIS IS NOT A FLU!" have turned my horror-loving brain to thoughts of the media's incessant, alarmist swine flu coverage.

I hope it is just a flu, of course, because if my Left 4 Dead 2 skills are any indication, I'll be royally screwed if there's a zombie outbreak. I'm always getting puked on by the Boomer, or pummeled by the Charger...I'm always accidentally shooting my teammates and running out of ammo. Of course, if there was a zombie outbreak, I wouldn't know about it for days because I'd be inside playing video games.

Speaking of which, my fellow nerds, I'm finally on Xbox Live- see my badge over yonder to the right and add me or whatever it is you kids do there. I don't know why my rep is anything less than stellar- I've yet to actually interact with anybody, and quite frankly I'd give myself 5 stars, whether I accidentally shoot my teammates or not.

a dull boy by any other name…

Idioms and idiomatic expressions are neat. From the Serbian "He's ripping clouds with his nose!" to the Sweathoggian "Up your nose with a rubber hose!", quips and quotes and sayings vary from nations and people to people and nations. What causes outrage to a native speaker of a language may cause only puzzlement in a foreigner or Foreigner.

The most famous idiom found in a horror movie- well, except perhaps "You scared the shit outta me!"- is "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.", the sentence typed over and over by the sneaky Jack Torrance in The Shining. He was supposed to be working on his novel! That's why he refused sandwiches from Wendy, so he could concentrate! Gawd, what a jerk. First he sets up his special "must have quiet" writing area in the main hall, in the middle of everything, then it comes out that he's just been fooling around with typography the whole time.

Anyway. "All work..." may not be a familiar expression outside the shores of the ol' USA- so what was the phrase translated to in non-domestic releases of the film? Check it out!






Mind you, I got all of these from The Internet, and as we all know The Internet has been known to lie (I'm looking at YOU, Nigerian widow who promised me millions of dollars)...but there you go.

one thousand

Dear y'all,

So this is it, my big 1000th post. Though I really have nothing profound to say (shock), I couldn't let the moment pass by without acknowledging it somehow. I marked the occasion of my 500th post with a rather lengthy entry describing Final Girl's humble roots and highlighting a few of my favorite posts. Wow, I just noticed that my 500th hit on November 20, 2007- almost two years ago to the day. That's surely significant of something...? Probably not. Anyway, what's happened in the two years since my last major milestone?

Since post #500...

...I think we can all agree that one of the best things that's happened around here has been the introduction of Briefcase Woman, who came along one fine day in May, 2008 to demonstrate the joys that can be had when one votes. Since then, she's spread her enthusiasm all over this blog like...like...well, let's honor her origins and vote for an apt simile, shall we?


...the Final Girl Film Club keeps chugging along, powered by the awesomeness of The Internet. We've covered a whopping 18 films since post 500, and there's no sign of stopping yet. Next up: The Wicker Man on December 14. What movies would you like to nominate for FGFC coverage? Before you answer, take a quick peek at my reviews archive to make sure I haven't already reviewed it.

...I made a movie- a few, really. Ludlow will be ready for mass consumption soon, a thought that's as terrifying as it is metaphorical boner-inducing.

...I've written 85 columns for AMC (holy crapping crap) and I've started contributing to Rue Morgue magazine. Both make me feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

...this little site just keeps on keepin' on, mostly business as usual. Reviews, stupid pictures, blah blah blah. As you know, I love Final Girl more than Donkey Kong loves throwing barrels at plumbers. While I could write exclusively for myself and be somewhat satisfied (being an only child grants me a +15 to both mana regeneration and my ability to entertain myself) (sorry, I've been playing Dragon Age: Origins) (it's so fucking awesome)...well, it wouldn't be the same without you guys reading it. Again, I say hooray!

Okay, now tell me what's been your favorite post or feature or whatevs here on Final Girl so I feel pretty.

What? I'm allowed to fish for ego-stroking compliments every 500 posts, that's the rule I made up.

Here's to 10,000 more posts! HUZZAH!

The Curious Case of Harry Warden

Over the course of the last day or two, I've spent far more time thinking about Harry Warden of My Bloody Valentine than I probably should have. This may or may not have something to do with my forthcoming AMC column; the fact remains that there's plenty to talk about regarding him outside the confines of said column. Another fact that remains is that there will be plot spoilers for the 1981 film ahead (no talk of the remake here, although I did enjoy it). By now, it should go without saying that, excepting the most current films in theaters, there are almost always spoilers here at your friendly neighborhood FG. Still, I don't want any of you "kids" getting "up" in my "grill" with a "Wait, who has a penis?" or some such. Not that that particular question applies in this case...probably.

Anyway, after all that build up and intro, the bulk of this post may be a disappointment. Maybe there's not plenty to talk about, or much to say...but here goes. Regarding Harry Warden, we know this: he was trapped underground for six weeks following a mine explosion. To survive, he nommed on the bodies of his fallen comrades. When found, Harry was stark raving nutcake and was sent off to a mental hospital to recuperate. A year later, he was out of the hospital. Did he escape, or was he released? Whatever the case, he was still decidedly nutcake- now one of the murderous variety. He killed the two supervisors responsible for the accident in the mine, then...disappeared, warning the town of Valentine Bluffs that should they celebrate the holiday at at any time in the future, he'd be back to make with the kill-kill.

20 years later, the town decides what's past is past and it's time to hold another Valentine's Day dance. When people start dying, it seems that Harry has held true to his promise...eventually, we learn that the killer is really Axel Palmer posing as Harry. When the sheriff calls the sanitarium where Harry had been committed, however, they cannot find any record of him ever staying there...the secretary points out that it could be a clerical error, and she'd have to dig into the microfiche to be sure.

SIDE NOTE: I miss microfiche, particularly in movies. The internet simply isn't as noisy...or as thrilling!

We never get an answer to the question "Where's Harry?" It's a fact that he killed the supervisors a year after he went to the hospital- one of the men was Axel's father, after all, and it was witnessing his dad's murder that made him a murderous nutcake. But...what happened to Harry after that? Legend said he returned to Valentine Bluffs every year to make sure they held no holiday dances; did he live a normal life somewhere else for the other 364 days in the year? Where was he the night the town resumed the festivities? Was he dead? Or, once he had his vengeance on the mine supervisors, did Harry give a big ol' F.U. to the town and split for good, never to think on it again? Wherefore art thou Harry?

That's all. Just wonderin'.

Day 16: “I hope this is not Chris’s blood…”

Okay, so for today's dose of SHOCKTOBER madness, I'm cheating a little bit. Rather than simply watching & reviewing a movie, I decided to talk about a subject near and dear to me old ticker: horror-based video games. It's been a while since my last big installment- three and a half years, holy crap- so I figured it was time to run down a few of the titles that have sucked me in and consumed hours of my life in the last few months.


BioShock is one of the most fascinating, best-looking games I've seen in my long, long life. The alt-history underwater city of Rapture is an art deco paradise lying in ruin; the utopia based on the philosophy of Objectivism crumbled as gene-splicing became a way of life, transforming the city's inhabitants into hideous mutants. In this first-person shooter you're Jack, a man with no memory who made his way to Rapture after an oceanic plane crash...and now must find a way out in the face of Big Daddies, Little Sisters, and all other manner of psychos. Ayn Rand, stem cell research, body modification, morality...fun for the whole family!

Dead Rising

Yeah, I know I actually reviewed this game once upon a time, but you know what? I'm still playing it, and it's still all kinds of awesome. Zombies, zombies, zombies...so many zombies in the mall. There's also creepy-mask-wearing, knife-wielding cult members and psychotic clowns with chainsaws and and and...Dead Rising is like a love letter to my crusty old horror movie-loving heart.

Dead Space

I have one major complaint about Dead Space: it's too damn short! I want more more more! This game is like Resident Evil meets Event Horizon, and it's absolutely one of the scariest games in the history of the history of ever- yes, it's that scary. You've got to repair your disabled ship while fighting off mutated crewmembers- of course there's an alien flu bug goin' 'round. Standard stuff, eh? Well, Dead Space utilizes sound and light like no other game since Silent Hill, and it's downright terrifying, to the point where I hit 'pause' on more than one occasion just so I wouldn't have to continue on into a pitch-black hallway where something was moaning. The score sounds straight outta Kubrick's The Shining, and it helps sink you into a never-ending state of heebie jeebies. Oh, if only there was more of it...ooh, there's a new Wii-bound prequel, a 6-issue comic mini-series, and an animated feature film prelude, as well. Sigh, I suppose those will have to do.

Eternal Darkness: Sanity's Requiem

While it wasn't a major hit, this oldie but goodie Gamecube release is a favorite amongst nerds in the know. Explore the mansion that belonged to your recently-deceased grandfather as you try to unravel the mystery of his death. Find chapters from the "Tome of Eternal Darkness" and engage in a little time-travel...and then Eternal Darkness really starts fucking with you via the "sanity meter". The more scary stuff Alexandra encounters, the nuttier she gets...and the nuttier you'll get. You'll be in the middle of a boss battle when suddenly your controller no longer works...or the game cuts to the title screen...or Alexandra ends up on the ceiling- the game really messes with your head as a player. There's nothing else like it. Hey, now you're a nerd in the know!

Fallout 3

I'm tempted just to write "Fallout 3 is effing AMAZING, go play it!" and leave it at that. Here's the wiki synopsis to further tempt those of you who haven't become completely absorbed by the game:
Fallout 3 takes place in the year 2277, 200 years after the nuclear war between the United States and China that devastated the game's world in an alternate post-World War II timeline. The game places the player in the role of an inhabitant of Vault 101, a survival shelter designed to protect a small number of humans from the nuclear fallout. When the player character's father disappears under mysterious circumstances, he or she is forced to escape from the Vault and journey into the ruins of Washington D.C. to track him down. Along the way the player is assisted by a number of human survivors and must battle myriad enemies that now inhabit the area now known as the "Capital Wasteland".
Your morality is up to you as you travel the wasteland and encounter religious wackadoos, raiders, mutants, ghouls...I can't even begin to adequately describe how massive- and how massively awesome- this game is. Fallout 3 is effing AMAZING, go play it!

Haunting Ground

Here's another game that got little attention, but horror fans should definitely bust out their PS2s and give it a whirl. At the start of Haunting Ground, you wake up in a cage (!!!) on the grounds of Castle Belli, and you've got to figure out what the eff is going on and how you can escape. Eventually you team up with a white German Shepherd named Hewie to solve puzzles and defend yourself as you search for a way out. What sets Haunting Ground apart from other survival horror games is that your character wields no weapons...just about all you can do when confronted by an enemy is run and try to find a good hiding spot. Sometimes these hiding spots work, and sometimes they don't...but you can never use the same place twice. It's incredibly tense to be crouched behind a curtain while someone is in the room, actively looking in all the corners for you. While there's definitely too much backtracking (and man oh man does the story get a bit perverse), Haunting Ground boasts one of the greatest, scariest video game villains ever in Daniella, the creepy-ass maid (pictured above). I'd say they should stick her in a movie, but we all know how movies based on games tend to go...

Left 4 Dead

Surviving the zombie apocalypse has never been more fun. What Dead Rising is to George Romero, Left 4 Dead is to Zach Snyder. These walking dead aren't walking at all- they're running really fast because they want to eat your face. There are hundreds and hundreds of them, along with "special" zombies, upgraded with all sorts of new ways to kill you. My favorite is the Witch, the goth-looking chick who sits around in her underwear, crying...until you get too close, and then she's up and clawing your eyes out in a flash. Reminds me of college!

Resident Evil 5

I've told you time and time again, I loves me some Rezzies. I'm gonna admit, though, Resident Evil 5 was a bit of a disappointment. On the one hand, it was a delight for an RE nerd like myself (Chris Redfield, Jill Valentine, and Albert Wesker are all present and accounted for) and the co-op gameplay was cool. The graphics were amazing and the action was non-stop...but that was, perhaps, the problem. Since the incredible Resident Evil 4, the series has been moving away from the solve the puzzle and read the diary in the dusty, zombie-filled house angle that I love and geek out on so much. The developers should bring the series back to its roots because I want them to. Who's with me?

Silent Hill: Homecoming

It pains me in my heart place, but I'm starting to think that the Silent Hill series may be on its last legs. I enjoyed Homecoming, but it felt like more of the same, you know? Somehow it's missing the magic of the earliest games in the series- it feels like an imitation. The franchise was handed off from Japan to America, but that can't be the only reason why it's stale. Maybe it's just stale altogether...ugh, it hurts to type that. And who am I kidding? Silent Hill: Shattered Memories hits next month, and I'm sure I'll pick it up...and it'll be okay, but I'll have the sads 'cause it's just not like the Silent Hills of my yoot. Then I'll cry, then I'll play something else, repeat until I'm dead.

The Thing

Did you know that there's a video game set right after the events of John Carpenter's The Thing? There is, and it's pretty good! You can imagine how it goes: after contact is lost with MacReady and company, the military sends teams to investigate...alien parasite hijinks ensue. While you've got to battle the creepy-crawlies, you've also got to battle the rising worries of your teammates as they become increasingly paranoid: no one trusts anyone. Dudes get scared and they kill themselves, or they try to kill you. You may have an infected teammate in your party. It's a lot like the game, except no one wears weird, giant sideways cowboy hats- and that's a pity.

Remember that time…

...when the paramilitary commando dudes were going after the Red Queen when they accidentally tripped her defense system and suddenly the hallway they were all standing in had these deadly deadly lasers scooting down it, slicing up everything in their path? And then that one paramilitary commando dude was all ready to face the final laser, like, to jump over that shit or squeeze under it or something, and he was all, "Up YOURS, laser!" but then that eeeeevil, wily laser was all, "Pfft- up YOURS, paramilitary commando dude!" and it turned into a grid and diced him up real good? Yeah, that was cool.

And remember how the same sort of thing had been done a few years earlier in Cube? But when Resident Evil came around, the idea still was a bit novel...but now horror movie schmoes getting silently sliced and then slowly collapsing into a pile of grue-n-chunks is practically de rigueur? Yeah.

Anyway, my buddy JA of My New Plaid Pants has, of course, examined the sequences in Resident Evil and Cube before as part of his most excellent Thursday's Ways Not to Die series. You should check it out, if you know what's good for you!

Speaking of things to check out and knowing what's good for you, here's something else: Scott Weinberg, old friend of both Final Girl and darkness, has bravely gone and posted two massive lists: his top 100 horror and top 100 sci fi films. Mayhaps I'll do a big ol' horror list like that someday so people can get all riled up and call me a jerk for not including House of 1000 Corpses or whatevs. Oh, lists...why can't The Internet quit you?

Another thing to check out, etc etc: tonight- yes, TONIGHT- I- yes, I- will be- yes, BE- (okay that's enough, do-over)...tonight, I wll be a guest on The Graveyard Show podcast! It is something to which you can listen! It will be posted tonight: midnight, EST/9pm PST. I don't remember what I blathered on about, but I do remember that I had a wonderful time talking with The Caretaker. Perhaps this means you will enjoy listening...or not. I can no longer predict your reactions things- in fact, I feel like I don't know you at all anymore. But still, listen listen listen!!

One last thing: as you may have figured out by now, I am a huge fan of all things Resident Evil (although I wouldn't watch the second film again with ten-foot eyes) (whatever that means). It's no surprise, then, that when I saw a television spot for Avon's newest magical age-defying de-wrinkling serum or whatever the fuck it is, I immediately thought Umbrella Corporation. After searching for a picture of said serum online, I quickly discovered that I am not the only massive RE nerd in the galaxy. Behold, the truth behind Avon's serum! It's clearly a bioweapon.

I should warn my mom and gramma about this, lest they procure some and later transform into crimes against nature...although...hmm...that might liven up family functions a bit. Oh, what a dilemma I face!

15 more horror films i’d like to see

Depending on how much booze you've had so far today, you may or may not remember that once upon a time, I wrote up a list of 50 Horror Films I'd Love to See. Then I created Ghostella's Haunted Tomb, and made the leap from dreams to reality with a few of those titles: Who's Been in the Herb Garden?, Taste of Flesh, Taste of Fear, and Deadly Dress 4: Never a Bride are just a few of the titles turned movie (using that term loosely) that the world can now enjoy (using that term even looser). Who knows, then, what may happen with this list of 15 More Horror Films I'd Like to See? WHO KNOWS? For now, I simply anticipate that it will be read, unless you rightthissecond leave this page, which- let's be honest- would be a bit silly seeing as how you've already read this far.

  1. Curds: The Legend of Fungal Joe
  2. Children Are the Corn
  3. Don't Look in the Pie
  4. The Homewrecker, Part 5: Tupperscare Party
  5. I Was a Teenage Chupacabra
  6. The Devil's Mudflaps
  7. Rod Roddy Has Risen From the Grave
  8. Supercide Me
  9. Death Loaf
  10. The Curse of the Haunted Ghost
  11. It Only Hurts When You Stab Me
  12. I Kill, You Die
  13. Death Face 2000
  14. Revenge of the Furnituremaker: Bloody Stools
  15. The Tell-Tale Vagina
Here's a bonus title that doesn't obviously jive with the genre: Carny Asada

If there's one thing I've learned from writing down these 65 titles, it's that I'm obviously wicked into the idea of horror movies that somehow involve corn.

easy like Friday mornin’

Last night (or this morning, if you want to get all semantical about it), I went to see Underworld: Rise of the Lycans so I could review it for AMC. I can't say I was overly enthused; beyond the catch a 12:10am show, then immediately write a review aspect of it, I knew next to nothing about the franchise and I didn't think it would be my cup of tea at all. How did I fare? How did the movie fare? Did I enjoy it, or did I want to kill myself? Read and find out, lest Rhona Mitra stab you with that pointy thing!

There's some new art posted over at my website- namely, a commission I recently completed: Miike's Audition.

No, I still haven't seen it. Yes, I'm a wicked big lame. I'd say I'd watch it tonight, but tonight Battlestar Galactica holds my heart and my mind captive.

Yes, I'm also a nerd...oh, come on. Like you didn't know that already.

talkin’ bout mah Degeneration

Fans of the Resident Evil video games have long been clamoring for a movie to give a big "Eff you!" and a swift kick to the butt of Paul WS Anderson and his film series, which bears little resemblance to the source material. Or, at least, I have. Sure, I like the movies okay- they're nothing if not fun- but as I've stated before, I want to have Resident Evil's babies. I mean...uh...I sure do like those games! I don't, like, really want to literally have those babies for real. First of all, if they were born shaped like video games that would really hurt my no no and it would be pretty awkward at family gatherings and, like, in the grocery store and stuff. My village might even shun me! I'd have to run away from them, clutching little Rezzie and dodging the stones they throw, and find asylum somewhere in an underground network-type thing, and that sounds like a real hassle...a hassle for which I do not have the time. Also, I'm not a fan of running or having stones thrown at me.

On the other hand, children are totally the future and I sure do like those games...but enough about my personal life! This is supposed to be about Resident Evil:Degeneration, so let's get small to it.

Seven years after the government eradicated the zombie problems in Raccoon City with a nuclear boom boom, the eeeevil Umbrella Corporation has risen again. Now called WilPharma, the company has been performing tests with human subjects in India. I have a sneaking suspicion that no good will come of this, unless there's FINALLY a cure for erectile dysfunction out there (seriously, every website in the world except mine is running those fucking Vimax ads and I'm really tired of my screen being inundated with obnoxious photos of women going all bug-eyed at the notion of a boner).

Anyzombie, the action begins at Harvardville Airport where Claire Redfield, heroine of Resident Evil 2, has just landed after...doing something for...the FDA or something or other. We meet a few other characters, like the eeeevil greedy stereotype Senator Davis, who's totally in cahoots with the eeeevil pharmaceutical company. Oh, and he's a jerk.

A plane from India is headed for Harvardville and one of the passengers has a decidedly grey and gross pallor...before you can say "Does that guy have rickets or something?" the plane crashes into the airport just like in the opening moments of the comedy classic Airplane!. Before anyone can say "Holy crap, that was just like the opening moments of the comedy classic Airplane!", however, zombies start spilling out of a gash in the fuselage. It was kind of awesome, and I was kind of giddy.

In related news, I'm psyched that I FINALLY have a chance to use the word "fuselage".

As you can imagine, from there things quickly go to bitey hell. The government steps in and attempts to resolve the situation. Enter Leon Kennedy, the hero of Resident Evil 2. Yep. Claire and Leon are reunited, and all 'round the world could be heard the flutter of a million nerd hearts. Or one. Mine. Don't judge me!

Once the sitch at Harvardville Airport is under control, Claire and Leon decide to find out what the eff is going on. They team up with some rookie special forces-types and head off to this place and that, this house and that lab, encountering a few more zombies and beasties along the way. It's all, you know, like, totally action-packed and stuff.

I'm not gonna lie- I dug this movie...but then, obviously I was predisposed to. My biggest disappointment is that the moment never came where I was supposed to pick up my controller and get my Claire Redfield on- and that's exactly the reason why I'm dubious about how the general horror movie lovin' audience will feel about Resident Evil: Degeneration.

Essentially, the film is little more than the typical CGI cut scenes stitched together. The acting is fair, the character development virtually nil, the dialogue sometimes excruciatingly hokey...and it's best if I don't get much into the "developing love interest" wicked-mini-subplot. By "developing", I mean, "these two characters stare stare stare at each other and that means they're falling in love after knowing each other 15 minutes". The plot is absolutely video game worthy as our gang heads down a path that ultimately culminates in your standard boss battle.

I suspect that large chunks of that plot will be confusing and/or inaccessible to non RE-heads, as a basic knowledge of some characters, Raccoon City, and Umbrella Corporation are assumed. Terms like T-Virus and G-Virus are tossed around, and unless you're a nerd like me you probably won't know- or figure out- the difference between the two.

All of that said, this is still a fun movie. The CGI falls squarely in that weird almost real but not trying to be real so I don't know how to feel about it territory. I found most of it pretty killer, but your tolerance may vary. There's some bloodshed, and certainly plenty of action.

Is this going to appeal to the general public the way the Milla Jovovich films have? I'd have to say no. But really, who cares? It's a fun zombie flick (I've certainly seen less interesting live-action zombie flicks), and I finally got my "real" Resident Evil movie. My nerdy little heart is content.

the wednesday wipeout

Jabba works his bitches hard, y'all!

That's the last picture I took at Comic-Con- I only took about 15 altogether, despite going into it thinking I'd get all Jimmy Olsen up in that shit. Instead, I took about 3 pictures of my friends, 3 pictures of myself with friends, and 10 pictures of Star Wars statues because I am a NERD.

As if you didn't know that already.

It's weird, though- there's something about digital photography that makes me less likely to actually take pictures. I'm a luddite crone.

As if you didn't know that already.

(edited to add a decidedly NERDish photo of life-size BSG Centurion that had a red eye light that went back and forth)

The Powers That Be decided to run the newest Ghostella episode until Monday; sorry about that- I know you've all been wringing your hands and peeing your pants in anticipation!

The AMC train is running right on schedule, though, and they've posted my column lamenting the loss of the drive-in and coming up with some double features I'd like to see.

Omigod, I am a crone!

Shock Till You Drop has got a gallery of photos from Resident Evil: Degeneration, the forthcoming CGI feature based on the Konami video games. You know, the movie I'm salivating over (because I am a NERD) but learned nothing about at Comic-Con because I got shut out of the panel because of all the effing peoplekdjkdjdkjhkja;sASD;fCXCDJK...............

In other wow, I missed the panel but I'm not at all bitter about it- okay, who am I kidding, I'm totally fucking bitter about it news, SciFi.com has the whole hour long shebang up at their website. No, I have not watched it yet because I am a big lame currently embroiled in a...in a...err, something something danger and intrigue.

the rig is up

It is a well-known fact that one of the sides comprising the equilateral triangle that represents the best television shows in the history of ever is the new Battlestar Galactica (the other two sides being, of course, Melrose Place and Dallas).

Wow, writing that sentence totally got me jonesing to do some alg/trig, what with all the letters and formulae and angles that are involved. Scalene triangles are the best triangles, don't you think?

Wait, I mean I hate math! Christ, I keep forgetting that I'm a girl. Damn this moustache!

The point is, when one loves Battlestar Galactica as if the show is one's own child and one is browsing at Video Hut and one spots a movie called Ghost Rig (2003) and one notices that the words "Jamie" and "Bamber" are emblazoned across the top of the box, one gets very excited and one brings Ghost Rig home. Jamie Bamber, see, plays Apollo on Battlestar Galactica, and Ghost Rig is ostensibly a horror movie. A squared + B squared = 2 great tastes tasting great together, my mathemagical friends!

In Ghost Rig, a bunch of environmental activists occupy an abandoned oil rig that's about to be demolished. Believing that the "artificial reef" formed by the rig debris will do more harm than good, the crazy kids of "Action Planet" intend to stay on the rig until...until...uh, I guess until the government promises not to destroy it. You know, they use the strategy of those folks who sit in trees to protest the chop-chop.

After what seems like 453968 minutes of activists walking around with flashlights, we learn that the rig is not, in fact, abandoned! There's someone on board, though whether corporeal or otherwise it's unclear. This someone's intentions are perfectly clear, however, and soon the someone makes with the Black Christmasing of an unlucky activist.

After the body is found, the group is divided into two factions: those who want to stay and those who want to split. The stayers outnumber the splitters so the activists decide to keep...activisting.

Captain Action Planet decides this is a good time to casually mention to the group that the rig was quarantined before their arrival. Nothing like a little exposure to unknown viruses and the such to liven things up a bit!

At this point, Ghost Rig becomes the rig-ified baby of John Carpenter's The Thing and that movie I've seen ten minutes of about seven times, Fallen. The virus ain't a virus per se, but rather it's a...demon of sorts, and the possession is passed from person to person and therefore no one can be trusted. The ragtag group of activists must overcome their differences (Captain Action Planet is an a-hole! Jamie Bamber is totally a double agent, which kind of doesn't make any sense!) as they fight for survival. Will they be able to?

People flip out and whale on each other with hammers, wounds heal via dodgy CGI, there's a 'demon voice' which proves that Mercedes McCambridge is the only person who could do a believable demon voice and she didn't need any fucking help from a computer thank you very much, there are corpses tucked away in the walls, and the activists piece together what happened on the rig before it got all possess-y, starting with the discovery of a giant devil's hopscotch.

By the way, the term "devil's hopscotch" reminds me of Devil's Hopyard, which is a state park near where I grew up. Obviously it's the best name for a state park EVARRRRRR. It also has the coolest legends of any state park I've ever encountered, which, as you can imagine, fueled wee Final Girl's imagination:
Another tale focuses on the potholes near the falls, which are some of the finest examples of pothole stone formations in this section of the country. Perfectly cylindrical, they range from inches to several feet in diameter and depth. These potholes were formed by stones moved downstream by the current and trapped in an eddy where the stone was spun around and around, wearing a depression in the rock. When the rock wore itself down, another would catch in the same hole and enlarge it. We know this now, but to the early settlers the potholes were a great mystery that they tried to explain with references to the supernatural. They thought that the Devil has passed by the falls, accidentally getting his tail wet. This made him so mad he burned holes in the stones with his hooves as he bounded away.
Stupid, awesome, superstitious settlers.

But! Now is not the time for southeastern Connecticut's geological history. Now is the time for mediocre horror movies, so back to Ghost Rig.

I must admit, just when I was thinking that this movie was a let down, Apollo or no Apollo, Ghost Rig surprised me with a twist ending that was interesting, satisfying, and undoubtedly the best part of the movie. I'm not going to give anything away here because not only was the ending completely unexpected, but it's also complicated and I'm too lazy to type all that shit out. Suffice it to say, when Ghost Rig ended I had to give it a begrudging "Not bad, kid...not bad at all." Then Ghost Rig gave me a Coke and I threw my shirt at it*.

So. Should you seek out Ghost Rig? Well, if you're anything like me, then perhaps yes. "Anything like me" means that you want to make out with Battlestar Galactica so badly that you even consider rewatching Halloween: Resurrection, a movie that opened with fifteen minutes that made you want to kill yourself and the entire world the first time you saw it, just because Starbuck is in it. "Anything like me" means that a movie about a haunted oil rig is something that makes you genuinely go "Ooh, hey, this could be good". "Anything like me" means you would buy an algebra workbook just for fun, but I suppose that's sort of beside the point.

*I realize that there are plenty of you out there who have absolutely no clue what I'm referencing here, so voila. Great Caesar's ghost, I've dated people who are younger than that commercial. How is this possible? In related news, does Coke really add life?